White
by impavid fool
Summary: All Piper has ever seen is Alex, because she was (is) all that matters, and, compared to her, everything and everyone is grey. Everything is just background. [Alex/Piper - alternative plot from S2EP1 onwards]
1. And Back Again

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White  
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She hates the way he watches her. That patronising, sympathetic and pitying look is in his eyes, but she manages to ignore him. _He's just background_. Kubra's lawyer doesn't believe her; he's frowning, and reminds her she has sworn an oath not to lie –– he wants her to confess she knows this man, she's seen him before. _But he's just background_. He's nothing, just a bothersome detail in her life which she can easily shrug aside. She doesn't care.

Yet it is that childish nature which has led her to this stage. Deep down, she knows she's making a mistake; she knows she shouldn't lie, but she doesn't care. She has never cared about the insignificant faces, the secrets and dealings she was forced into (_which she willingly forced herself into_). Because those faces, and secrets and whatever else have no _point_ to them. They are faces she should have seen and backed away from, and they are secrets she should have taken as a sign to _leave_ this life behind, but she didn't notice them. She wasn't (_isn't_) looking at the faces and caring about the secrets.

All she has ever seen is Alex. Her confidence, her shocking yet so casual appearance, her husky voice which always manages to either send Piper into a state of content or excitement. Everything about Alex is dark and dangerous and addictive. Everything about Alex riddles Piper with emotions and sensations she didn't even know existed. All Piper has ever seen is Alex, because she was (is) all that matters, and, compared to her, everything and everyone is grey. Everything is just background.

The trial ends.

Everything starts.

'Fuck you, Alex! _Fuck you_!' Piper is livid, screaming, grasping the bars in a silly attempt to escape the prison cell and lunge at the woman who betrayed her once again. 'Fuck you!' It's childish, but when it comes to love, Piper is blind and stupid and an embarrassing sight. She hates Alex, hates her now more than ever; hates her for manipulating her again, telling her to lie –– _lie that they ever knew Kubra_. Only to turn around and confess the truth herself.

It was a trick. A cruel, clever trick. The type of mind game Alex has been master of for years, and it sends a shiver down Piper's spine. Makes her want to throw up, vomit out all the feelings she has for her. That bitch, that fucking selfish, horrible bitch. Piper hates her, _loathes_ her with such a bitter distaste. But this unwanted, wild passion harbours within her, and she realises it isn't necessarily the betrayal which hurts. It's the fact she's gone; Alex has left her to finish a war they started. She walks away when Piper needs her the most; when the only person Piper can lean on is her.

How familiar. What sweet, ugly revenge.

She thinks of Larry, and she doesn't know why she thinks of Larry. Maybe because he's nice and even though their relationship has come to an apparent close, she misses him. But she doesn't miss him for the sex, for the romance, or _him_. She misses his kindness, his generosity and she misses his trust. Larry is loyal, and he is _good_. He is the exact opposite of Alex and, yet, even if he is the better one, the kinder one, the one who wouldn't stab her in the back and walk away, Piper's thoughts of him quickly distort into Alex again. She's there, and she's constant and she's ripping her in two.

Then she misses home. Her own house, with a roof, no bars, and she misses nice food, and manners and smiles. She wants to go back. Go back to how things were, before Alex named her, before she was sent to prison, before all of the _shit_ happened.

Chicago lacks its beauty, even after several weeks when she's finally transferred back to Lichfield. There's just an emptiness in her stomach, and she knows better than to think of Alex and what's she done. Every time she so much as visions her face in her mind, a hot pang of anger rushes through her.

She doesn't return to her previous hall. The handcuffs around her wrists feel tighter when an officer grabs her by the arm and yanks her forwards; she's home, but she's nowhere near it. Instantly her mind flashes back to the night before her transferral, to the Christmas performance, to the chilly weather outside. She remembers how _fucked_ everything was (and still is), and she remembers the blood, the cracking of bones and breaking of teeth. She remembers Doggett, half dead in the snow, and she remembers Healy, and then she remembers Alex.

The heartbreak in her eyes couldn't have been more evident. Piper chose Larry, Piper _chooses_ Larry, and she managed to crush Alex's heart all over again.

Already, she knows where they're escorting her and she struggles at first, then behaves. She's mute, suddenly petrified; she can't feel herself move. Two officers escort her now, and their hands are heavy, and their grip is firm and far too tight. Her arms bruise under their touch, and she grimaces as one of them squeezes harder when she starts to resist.

The hallway is haunting. She hears yells, screams, women trapped behind heavy doors, strapped to their beds, and they are insane. Mad. Creatures of Hell.

And Piper is to be one of them.

Suddenly, she's speaking and she can't stop, 'I'm not insane! Please, I'm not insane––' It's hopeless, and she knows she's only making this worse. She glances at each officer, desperate, but they ignore her and she needs to stop, she needs to stop talking, 'I'm _not_ insane.' She isn't angry anymore, she doesn't feel empty; she's terrified, and she's pleading, and now she's fighting. Piper jerks her elbow back, and hits the officer's heavy jacket. It's a mistake. A fatal mistake. They will use any means of force necessary in order to get her strapped to a bed.

The officers aren't human anymore. They're beasts and she attacks. Piper is under shock, she's consciously aware she isn't herself, that her body is moving unintentionally, but she can't stop. She writhes out of their grip, and manages to succeed momentarily. However, one of the officers yanks her by the arm and pulls her back so harshly he manages to pull her arm out of its socket. Piper exclaims, agony soaring from her dislocated limb, spreading across her chest. It's enough to make her stop, and it's enough for the officers to have a better grip on her and literally drag the prisoner to her room.

She starts to panic. They enter the bleak, empty cell and it's idiotic how they think she'll willingly let herself be strapped down to the bed.

Nothing feels real. Piper tries to move, but she can't, and within seconds, she's staring up at the ceiling, her back pressed to the thin mattress. As soon as they remove the handcuffs, she reacts. She sits upright and tries to escape, but it's a pointless attempt. The two officers are a lot bigger and stronger. They manage to press her down instantly, and, this time, she gives up. She gives up trying. There isn't any point. She's stuck here. She's trapped here.

The yells of patients echo in her ears and she glances at the wrists that have now been strapped to the bed. Her dislocated arm is killing her, and she winces, groaning, then hears someone speaking. It's not the two officers; it's someone in the doorway, and he looks like a doctor. He's carrying a folder in his arm, and he glances at Piper shortly before turning to the officers. They leave, and the doctor steps inside. His glasses appear huge, and he looks tired and bored. A sigh escapes his lips and he's fiddling with a syringe.

'... I'm not insane.'

Her voice is a mere whisper now. It's pathetic.  
Tears sting her eyes when he looks at her.

'Yeah.' Sarcasm. 'If you're not insane, then you wouldn't be insisting so.'

Flashes of that night reoccur in her mind. She can't remember how she came to hitting Doggett, she can't remember what happened after Healy abandoned her, a knife pointed in her direction. She can't remember. The memory is gone. But she knows she wasn't herself then, because hitting Doggett felt good –– she remembers that at least. Hitting Doggett again and again, and feeling the blood on her hands and knuckles, felt _good_.

Too good.

Piper says nothing, and doesn't complain when the doctor stabs the syringe into her wrist. Almost at once, she feels soothed, calm, better, and she exhales slowly, letting her head fall back––

_Crack_!

The agony of her arm being popped back into place is so excruciating Piper lurches forwards, and even though she opens her mouth to scream, no noise is heard. Heavily, she collapses, and moans, a horrid, prickly sensation travelling from her arm downwards. She doesn't hear the doctor leave, but knows he's gone. The room is silent, eery. It's nearly a relief that she can't hear the wails of the psychopathic patients, but, after a few seconds, the silence becomes scary in itself.

Whatever he injected into her starts to work again –– a sedative. The pain in her arm fades away, and her eyelids feel heavier. She tries to recount the events of what happened with Doggett, but fails, so she resorts to Larry again. She thinks of his eyes, his smile, and she thinks of the first time they met, and she thinks of the way he used to kiss her, softly, almost hesitantly, he allowed her to take the initiative. To take charge.

_He's going to forget you_.

They won't say how long Piper is in here for, they won't provide any explanations, they will say nothing to her.  
They will let her waste in this room, let the insanity of her inmates pass onto her, like a plague.

_And you'll forget him too eventually_.

She remembers the way she touched her, how rough and exciting her kisses were, how her hands glided up her body, pinched her flesh tenderly, how her breath felt hot against her mouth, how her tongue was so slow and amazing inside her, and how she made Piper feel –– she made Piper feel alive. She made Piper feel loved, accepted and wanted. She made Piper –– _let _Piper be who she really was, and she gave Piper's tiny, fucked up world a point.

She remembers Alex, and, despite everything, that's all she needs to remember as sleep takes over.

Because everything else –– _everything and everyone except Alex Vause_ –– is background.

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**author's note**: Just in case no one has caught on yet, this is set during and after episode one of season two, with a twist of its own. Crazy Eyes (Warren) doesn't hit Piper during the incident with Doggett, which implies the fight was unfair (and possibly also showing Piper is a danger to her inmates and should be transferred elsewhere). I don't expect my work to be accurate for what happens in reality, so apologies if there is a huge error in what I've written.

I would appreciate feedback. This is my first OITNB fanfic, and I would love to continue it. The only thing that puts me off is my confidence in characterisation, but hopefully that'll improve as I go further with this story. Just so I know I'm not writing to a wall, though, please share your thoughts. If you have nothing to say, then I'm perfectly content with an alert on this story. Anyway, I'll stop rambling. Thank you very much for reading the first chapter. If all goes well, the second one should be up soon.

Rating shall change from Teen to Mature.


	2. Little Reminder

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A parked van waits a few yards away from her apartment. She knows it's there because of her; the vehicle arrived late last night, and remained there into the morning. Now, it's early afternoon, and maybe she's paranoid, maybe she needs to adjust to civilian life again, but she _knows_ that van. She's seen it before, she recognises the number plate, and it makes her stomach spasm. Her parole officer hasn't come to visit; he's either late or he's forgotten or he simply can't do his job.

Not that his protection will make a difference, or help Alex feel safer. She considers staying inside, locking the doors and bolting the windows, but she doesn't have food or anything to drink. There's a small supermarket not too far from where she lives. Fortunately, it is also in the direction opposite the van, so she doesn't have to walk past it. Grabbing her bag and keys, she heads for the door, feeling numb, tired, annoyed. She stops. _Gun. Get the gun_. Before she evaluates the rights and wrongs of her, an ex-prisoner, carrying a lethal weapon, Alex stuffs the gun into her bag and leaves.

The moment she steps outside, she is aware she is being watched. This has happened before. In fact, she has been _involved_ in said watching –– her former boss likes to keep his employees under control, and just to test their loyalty, he sends a couple out at times to keep tabs on any "colleagues" who have been acting suspicious recently. It's fun, the adrenaline always used to make her shake in anticipation, but she never thought she would one day be the victim.

Or, more accurately, never _cared_ to think about the possibility.

She doesn't waste time. Alex doesn't talk or look at anyone. The food she buys is cheap, packaged; no fuss. When she returns to her apartment, the van is still there. Her breathing accelerates, and she can feel her heartbeat pounding rapidly, but she maintains a cool composure. Swiftly, she looks away from the van, pulls out her keys and enters the flat. It's quiet, the lights are dim. No one seems to be here. Alex runs up the staircase, and is about to unlock her door when she sees it's ajar.

Everything stills for a moment. She steps back. It has been a very long time since she's felt so afraid. Alex peers behind her shoulder, takes another step back, before turning around and reaching the staircase. She doesn't know what she's meant to do, but getting the heck out seems the best option right now. Her palms are clammy when they touch the bannister and she only reaches the third step when her apartment door swings open. Alex jolts, her hand darting into her bag to grab the gun––

'Whoa, whoa!'

It's a man, and he's staring at her wide-eyed, hands up in defence.

'Who the fuck are you?'

'I'm the landlord,' he says, lowering his hands. 'Calm down.'

She believes him. He doesn't look like one of Kubra's men, nor acts like one. Alex scowls. Now, she's pissed off beyond belief. The last thing she needs is a _stranger_ waltzing into her own apartment. 'Next time, maybe you could wait until I'm in! You don't just walk in like that.'

'I know.' He twitches a smile, as if he is attempting to comfort her, but frowns again. 'I was just making sure everything is working okay. We sometimes get complaints about hot water running low, and the electricity going off. Your place seems all right.'

She doesn't care. She doesn't listen. Her heart is in her mouth when she brushes past her landlord, enters her apartment and slams the door shut behind her. For a moment, she leans against it, catching her breath, calming herself down. Then she can move. Alex locks the door, dumps her bag onto the table and glances outside the window. The van is still there.

Closing the curtains, Alex pulls off her jacket and sits. The sofa is old, tattered, second-hand. But it's better than the furniture provided by the prison. She doesn't want to think to back then, think back to the uncomfortable, springy beds, the smelly showers, disgusting food, and the inmates. In an odd way, though, she does miss the company. Admittedly, there were a handful of morons who roamed the halls, but the discussions she was dragged into and the acquaintances she made –– that was, at least, one good quality about the prison.

It's not enough to make her think back happily, however.

For the remainder of the day she reads, she hides, and she is quiet. Occasionally, she hears footsteps and chatter from her fellow flatmates, and cars on the road. Despite the lack of activity, the day feels short and she sleeps a little after ten. She is abruptly awoken four hours later by a loud _bang_ upstairs. Someone must have dropped something, or fallen out of bed.

She struggles to sleep after that, because, for some reason, her mind thinks it's a good time to start thinking. A _lot_ of thinking. Thinking about the van outside, and how long it intends to stay there for. Thinking about the appeal a couple of days ago, thinking about how she managed to convince Piper to lie. It was too easy. A nauseating sensation travels up her throat, but she doesn't vomit. It's actually disappointing Piper obeyed; she hasn't changed at all. She's exactly how she used to be when she assisted Alex with the drug smuggling: blinded by her own emotions, and so fucking stupid.

Except she's also very different: Piper is more confident, she doesn't hold back as much. She isn't as dependant as she used to be. And she's fickle, an absolute _pain_ in the behind who is incapable of making up her mind. Alex is _sick_ of the fucking fiancé, and she's sick of the jealousy which rushes through her whenever she remembers Piper chose Larry. It nearly makes her laugh, because, dammit, all the women she's known in the past have chased after her, and Piper –– the only individual she has ever come to love –– rejects her. Turns her away for the most selfish reasons.

Straight women. Alex is sick of them.

In a lot of ways, she doesn't like Piper at all, and her fickle nature is one of many unpleasant traits. Dragging Alex into the chapel and literally throwing herself onto her was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened, Alex realises this now. When Piper kissed her, she should have pushed her away. Fuck, is Alex's self-esteem that low? From the start, Piper was uncertain. There was never solid ground between them; it broke too easily. Having sex with Piper when she was –– _is_ engaged is something Alex regrets. Because going back to that point, holding her, kissing her, touching her –– felt so good; it made her happy. Piper reminded Alex how happy she made her, before turning away when things got tricky.

The first time Piper broke Alex's heart, it took her a year to recover and heal. The second time Piper broke Alex's heart, she wasn't shocked. But that anger, and resentment returned in full, and she wanted to hate Piper. She _wants_ to hate Piper for fucking her around because Alex _refuses_ to get fucked around by anyone. She can be cold, vindictive, smart and manipulative, and she never lets anyone offer the same treatment. Yet, somehow, she let Piper. She let her deal the cards and lay them on the table. It's just a cruel reminder that Alex isn't who she thought she was.

Like Piper, her emotions blind her decisions. Make her act like a fool.

Alex misses her. That is a fact she can't deny. Alex misses her dearly, she misses her so much. Eight years was enough time to move on and forget, but seeing her again –– it just ignited all the emotions and thoughts and shared memories she had. It was nice. It was nice talking to her, nice to make her smile and laugh again, and it was just nice to _be_ with her. Piper is and has always been affectionate, and very expressive about her emotions. Although it came to a sudden end, their short romance in the prison was explosive. But rushed. It came and went far too fast.

The first time they kissed, in the chapel, was reckless. She can still remember the feeling of Piper's hot, frantic breath against her skin and lips, how she moaned softly whenever Alex so much as kissed her, hands pulling at hair, clothes. They lost all sense of control, it was a mess, a blur. Piper's enthusiasm and demand was such a turn on, and Alex loved this new aggression, but it was different. She knew Piper as the submissive and hesitant one, shy but willing to try new things. That time in the chapel, she was confident, almost violent, and she wanted to touch Alex everywhere, wanted to take the lead, she wanted Alex. And Alex gave herself to her. At first, it was a fierce battle for dominance, but Piper was restless, stubborn, and by the time the last garment was carelessly flung aside, Alex let her win.

She couldn't keep up.

When Alex finally managed to have her on her back, bruised, exhausted and satisfied herself, she had kissed Piper's body, could feel the heat bouncing off her, and she shivered when Piper's hands ran through her hair, and she throbbed when Piper started to moan, gasp, beg. Alex didn't have to provide much. The familiar touch of Alex's tongue rubbing against her flower made Piper cum fast, but they both needed more. Piper whined her name when she started again, and again, and again, but the tables were quickly turned. Piper wanted to take charge once more.

Staring at the ceiling, Alex can feel her body reacting to these thoughts. A hot sensation shoots from her groin and her stomach flutters, and she groans, annoyed, turning around and pressing her face into the pillow. What a fucking waste of time. Only days after did Piper confess she wants to be with Larry, not her. Initially, Alex made Piper lie about Kubra because she was just a tool in the game, but that wasn't true. Alex holds grudges, and she can be cruel. She made Piper lie to get her back.

Every time Alex takes revenge, the aftereffect is always pleasant and sweet. However, this time round, she doesn't feel anything positive. She just feels shit. She doesn't know what's happened to Piper, doesn't know if she's been transferred, if she's back in Lichfield prison, if she's told Nicky about the incident, or if she even gives a damn. Alex knows that's false –– Piper does give a damn.

She's guilty. She feels guilty because she betrayed her, she's betrayed the only person she cares about. And now she's gone. She's vanished from her life again. Pointless. It's pointless. Thinking about Piper and feeling guilt is pointless because she _is_ gone. Heck, Piper may as well be dead –– she doesn't exist anymore. But Alex isn't that cold, though, and she doesn't walk away that easily either. She hates herself for this, but she knows if Piper miraculously appeared at her door, she would take her in. And she would love her all over again, and she'd play the fool in a game she thought she conducted.

Turns out neither Piper or Alex are holding the strings. As cheesy and pathetic as it sounds, their hearts are and fate grins alongside.

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Forty eight hours is the minimum. Unless, someone from the outside insists she stays in longer. Piper curls her lips and viciously yanks her wrist upwards, in some attempt to break free. The sedative has worn off, and her arm still hurts from being dislocated. And it's quiet. Eery, and unwelcome. She doesn't know if it's morning yet, or if it's still night time. There are no windows, and all she can do is stare at the blank, lifeless walls surrounding her. She hates this place. She hates everything.

Not long ago, she remembered they can't keep her in the psych ward for long. Unless they do decide to press charges against her for beating the shit out of Doggett, there's not much they can do but let her go. All Piper has to do is convince them she's sane, but as simple as this sounds, she has doubts. She has doubts about who's truly on her side. The only person within the prison she felt she could trust turned his back away when she was in danger, and she knows that very same person would try anything to keep her locked away. Healy is not the man she thought he was; he's homophobic, sexist and jealous.

Fuck Healy. Fuck Larry.

Fuck Alex fucking Vause.

Those three people have made it perfectly clear they want nothing to do with her, and she shakes in anger thinking about them. Healy simply has no excuse for his behaviour, Larry needs to get a fucking grip and grow a pair, and Alex needs to go fuck herself. Then maybe _choke_ on something. _Why do I even give you the time of day_? Piper can't believe she's spending her time thinking about _her_. She can't believe her heart still skips a beat when she thinks about her, and she can't believe she's still irrationally and dangerously in love with her. It's a love that _tortures_ her, it shreds her insides open, makes her bleed and writhe in agony. Just thinking about Alex and all that she is, and all that she could have been, causes tears to sting her eyes.

Piper can't cry. She's cried enough times over Alex.

Suddenly the door barges open and the same man from yesterday appears. Piper is silent while she watches him skim through his notes, before looking at her. 'You're going for a short walk.'

'Oh...' He removes the straps around her wrists and ankles. 'And I was just starting to get comfortable too.'

'I have some questions to ask. If you answer them all correctly, then you may just have to spend one more night here. Show any signs of aggression or resist, then I'll have no choice but to throw you back on the bed and leave you for a few days. Hopefully you won't have gone completely mad by then.'

'I get the picture,' Piper mutters, obediently slipping off the bed and letting the man take her by the arm. Together they enter the hallway, and the shouts and screams of the inmates echo and bounce off the walls. Piper is silent while she's escorted to the end of the hall, through a door into a more quiet room, and into another. Inside, there are two chairs, and on one of the chairs are two straps waiting to be wrapped around the patient's wrists. However when Piper sits down, the doctor doesn't tie her.

It's a good sign. He thinks this is a fluke.

'I'm just curious: if you get caught not treating me like you do with your other patients, won't that get you in trouble?'

He eyes her. Smiles. 'I won't tell if you won't.'

She sits back. The room is mostly empty. It's hollow. Her doctor sits opposite, grabs his pen and chews the tip, reading over her file. Piper says nothing, drumming her fingers against the armrest. Then, without warning, he straightens and speaks.

'Tell me about the night you hit Tiffany Doggett.'

Piper swallows. There's a lot to say about that night, and she sits in silence for a while. Her doctor waits patiently, but it's discomforting the way he stares at her. Despite his lack of security over her, Piper does feel pressured into answering appropriately. 'What do you mean?' In an attempt to sound confident, to not make him doubt and question, she makes her voice strong, makes her words clear. It's an act, and an act she's learnt from Alex. Play confident, even if it's fake –– it'll get you through anything.

'What spurred you on to hurt her?' He shrugs. 'I read your records, Chapman, and nothing suggests you have a violent history. In fact, despite the drug trafficking, you're fairly clean. So, something _must_ have happened, and I assume a _lot_ happened in order for you to react that way.'

Piper nods. 'Yes.' She averts her gaze to the wall. 'I had a few issues going on at the time.'

'What kind of issues?'

Alex and Larry issues. Doggett was just feeding the rage.

'Emotional.'

She knows her answers are too brief, but she's reluctant to discuss Larry, and she's reluctant to discuss Alex. From the outside, Piper's situation appears inexcusable for beating up Doggett, but so much _more_ was happening than just Alex and Larry. 'Was someone else antagonising you?'

Lying is fruitless. That was made quite clear during the appeal with Kubra. Piper sighs, because, yes, maybe her reasons _are_ inexcusable for breaking Doggett's jaw, but fuck that. 'Not exactly.'

'Go on.'

'My fiancé ended things with me, and, for some reason, I chose him over my girlfriend who is now no longer in prison because she fucked me over in Chicago when I was asked to confirm if I knew her drug lord boss or not.' She feels a rush of anger at the memory. 'When I beat Tiffany Doggett that night, I wasn't myself. I know I wasn't.' She shrugs. 'A lot was happening to me at the time, and she wouldn't get off my back.'

'She was harassing you?'

'You said it. Not me.'

Then he's scribbling down notes. 'I see.'

'... I can't remember.'

He stops writing. Looks at her.

'What happened, and how I felt.' She shrugs again. 'I can't remember.'

He nods. 'I gathered. That usually happens when one has a fit of rage. It's why some people label it as insanity.'

'I know you said there's no point in me saying this, but I am not insane.'

'Tell me about the girlfriend. Were you having an affair?'

Piper doesn't want to talk about the girlfriend. She'd rather talk about the ex-fiancé. 'Yes.'

'I know what happened in Chicago. I'll be honest, I'm surprised you let her trick you like that, if what you're saying is true. Surely after being arrested due to being associated with the woman, you'd realise she's the last person you should trust.'

'Well, yeah, _now_ I realise.'

'Did you love her?'

She laughs shortly, because she's tired of being asked this question.

'_Do_ you love her?'

'I don't know.'

And that's it: Piper doesn't know. She doesn't know if she loves Alex, if she loves Larry, if she has allies back at the prison or anywhere else, and she doesn't know what –– _who_ she wants. She doesn't know. Fuck, she'll never know what she wants.

He leans back, chews the end of his pen, stares at the notepad. 'From what you can remember, tell me how you felt when your fiancé –– I'm sorry, your _ex_-fiancé decided to end things with you.'

Surprisingly, it's not something she's thought about. Piper's gaze drifts to the side. 'Scared, I guess.'

'Scared of what?'

Being abandoned. Scared of being unloved and unwanted. 'I think that's obvious.'

'Mm.' He scribbles more notes down. 'And when you finished things with your girlfriend, how did you feel?'

It's disgusting. Piper has given more thought to how she turned Alex away, than to how Larry turned her away. It's wrong. It's not right. 'I don't know.'

'You weren't scared?'

'I don't know.'

'Chapman, you must have felt something.' He leans forwards. '... guilt?'

Guilt, yes. Fear? Yes. Betrayed? Yes. Upset? Yes. Yes, she felt upset, stupid and weak. She felt awful. She chose wrong.

'Maybe.' Piper has lost the will to cooperate now. She can't handle talking about Alex and how much she hurt her. 'She's not important.'

Then he smiles, and it's sympathetic. 'You've just confirmed to me that she is. What happened afterwards?'

'I got in touch with Larry, and he finished our relationship. Then I went to Alex, and she––' She was with Nicky, and it had unsettled Piper greatly to witness them together. What Alex said to her shattered Piper's heart completely, ruined everything around her. With very few words, Alex _crushed_ her, made her feel like shit. Without having to try, Alex hurt her in ways she had never been hurt before in her life. '––She didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Which, I suppose, makes sense.'

The way Piper explains all of this is too simple. It's far more complex, but she can't go into detail. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), her doctor has been told enough. 'Thank you, Chapman. I'll take you back to your cell now.'

'Did I pass the test?'

He just smiles.

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It's three in the afternoon, and she only went out momentarily.

When she comes back, she sees the door is ajar again. Music is playing relatively loud from her radio. She knows it's the landlord, and she barges right in, 'For fuck's sake, what did I say about––?' Something heavy hits her across the head and she flies back, hitting the table. Before she can realise what's happened, someone grabs her by the scruff of her collar, and throws her across the room. Alex slams into the wall, her head smacking the hard surface. Her glasses tumble off her nose, and she doesn't see the fist coming. Blood bursts from her lower lip when she's punched in the face, and then again, then another, and then she's kneed in the stomach and she falls.

Alex groans. She tastes blood. She hears heavy footsteps. Several. Frantically, she finds her feet and darts straight for the cupboard where her gun is stored. A horrible dread possesses her when she finds it's gone. When she turns around, she's hit across the face again, but she manages to remain on her feet and attacks. Her knee hits him hard between the legs and he exclaims, grabbing her by the hair, and she wrestles against him, successfully writhing out of his grip. He shouts something, and she rushes for the door. Suddenly she's pulled back, and someone forces her arms behind her, while another proceeds to punch her in the stomach, then the face again, and kicks her to the ground.

This time, she doesn't get up. Her body refuses to move.

A few seconds pass, and a note is propped up before her. It's close enough for her to see.

_Fuck me around again, then your little bitch gets it too._

Another note is placed atop.

_If you tell the police about this, then I will do more than ruin her pretty face.  
__Love,  
__K_

She hears the footsteps of Kubra's men leave the apartment, and close the door. The music from her radio sounds fuzzy, her body aches, and blood trickles down her scalp.

Then her mind shuts down, and blackness clouds her vision.

**.**

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**.**

**author's note**: First –– I'm sorry, but I never said this story would be kind. ;)  
Second –– there _will_ be Larry/Piper material in this, however it's not the primary couple and there won't be much. It sort of lingers. I'm all for the vanilla and vanilla swirl, so don't let this warning put you off. In some ways, this story will reflect some events in the second season, hence the Larry/Piper.

What I really want to say is _thank you_. The five reviews I received from **garganta**, **jacklavigne**, **Owlice**, **izzielg** and **xxBurningxx** are wonderful. I wasn't expecting such positive feedback! I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. Until next time!

Rating has changed to Mature for obvious reasons.

Edit: Thanks to a dear anon, I realise I've mentioned the appeal was in Paris not Chicago. So I've changed that. I feel like a tit. Oops.


	3. Best Forgotten

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_It's later than she promised. Piper glances at the time, and doesn't know whether to feel angry or concerned that her girlfriend said she would return home three hours ago. This has happened before, but, on that occasion, Alex sent Piper a quick text to confirm she was running late. Some form of communication would be nice, just so Piper knows Alex is still fucking alive. For the umpteenth time, she checks her phone; no messages. Piper chucks her mobile to the side, growls, and then grabs it again, furiously typing out yet another text to Alex._

_Just as she's about to send it, she hears the door open. Heart racing, Piper forgets her phone and storms towards the entrance, 'So much for being here at eight o' clock––' She stops short when she sees the blood. Piper has never witnessed such a large amount. It's thick, a dark red, and coats Alex's white top. Wide eyed, she looks at Alex and tries to catch her eye, but the dark-haired woman brushes past her into the bathroom. Breathing heavily, Piper follows her, watches her pour hot water into the sink. Her voice cracks, 'What happened? Is–– Is that **your** blood?' _

'_No.' Alex dips her bloody hands into the clear liquid, which quickly turns red. She scrubs the blood away with a flannel and soap. From where Piper stands, she can tell Alex is shaking, she's in shock. She's quiet, which is odd. Usually whenever Alex returns home, she has a fair amount to say._

'_Jesus...'_

'_Can you pass me a towel?'_

_Piper does so. That's when Alex sees her expression. She rolls her eyes. 'Don't look at me like that.'_

'_Like what?' Piper gapes, 'Fuck, what the hell happened?!'_

_Alex strips off her bloody top, and throws it aside, before pulling out the plug. 'Nothing. It's fine.'_

'_Yeah, it looks like it.'_

_Placing a hand over her mouth, Alex is still for a moment, staring at the sink. Piper waits, but the longer she waits, the more angry she gets. She hates the fact Alex isn't talking to her, and she hates the fact she arrived home late covered in someone else's blood._

_She hates **this**._

'_Did you get into a fight?'_

'_Not exactly.'_

'_Alex!' Piper can't handle the anticipation anymore. She grabs her girlfriend by the wrist. 'Fucking look at me, and tell me what happened!' Alex looks at her, then averts her gaze, shaking her head lightly. 'Did you kill someone?'_

'_You think I'd kill someone?'_

'_I wouldn't be surprised if you did.' _

_That isn't true. Piper knows Alex is not a killer. Sure, her career isn't exactly legal nor morally right, but she isn't a murderer. However, Alex is tired, she hasn't eaten in hours, and she's seen events that will scar her for as long as she lives. Roughly, she yanks her wrist out of Piper's grip. 'Fuck you, Pipes.' She can't speak anymore, and she can't look at Piper anymore, because her expression makes Alex wants to bash her head into a wall. Even though she'll never admit it, having Piper's support and acceptance means everything to her. Now, she can **feel** Piper frowning, she can **feel** Piper starting to doubt._

_She finds another top to wear in their bedroom, and pulls it on, before turning on her laptop. There's one message she needs to send, then that's it. She's done for the day. Hopefully for the next two days if her boss is feeling generous. As she turns to the door to see Piper, Alex is suddenly aware of how much she's trembling. Her teeth are chattering, and her heart beats so heavily she can feel it in her ears. Her desktop shows on the laptop screen, but she doesn't send her email straightaway. _

'_Give me a minute,' Alex says, rolling back her shoulders, and running her hands through her hair. _

_Piper doesn't offer a response. She waits while Alex quickly types an email, sends it, and then switches off the laptop, closing the flap. The two are left in silence. Alex places a hand over her mouth again, and considers what to say. There's only so much she can tell Piper, and only so much Piper will be able to understand. _

_'I didn't kill anyone,' she confirms. _

'_I know,' Piper replies, and her voice is soft. Silence again. 'Did he make you do it? Your boss? Did he make you hurt someone?'_

_It's a relief. Piper knows a fair amount about what Alex does, and who she works for. She can guess, and her suggestions are fairly accurate. 'I wasn't alone. There were about three of us involved. We were keeping tabs on someone––' Piper quickly catches on._

'_Fuck.'_

'_I didn't decide to go in and beat the shit out of the guy. One of the men I was with thought it would be a great idea to catch him by surprise. Fucking lunatic. It got out of hand.' Alex raises a brow, glancing to the side. 'It's done now, though. Finished.' She exhales. 'And I'm sorry for being late.'_

_Piper has her hands over her mouth, and is wide eyed again, gaping. She looks at Alex with so much terror, but it's not Alex she's afraid of. Frantically, she hurries over and wraps her arms around her, forcing Alex into an embrace. 'What the fuck do you do? You told me you just deal with heroin––'_

_Alex doesn't respond. It's soothing and nice to be held by Piper; she's warm, soft, gentle. _

_But clueless. She's able to comfort Alex, but she can't understand. She won't understand. Smuggling drugs is mostly what Alex does. Heck, it's what she agreed to do. Yet not everything is in black and white. When she was assigned onto this job, to keep tabs on a man who was threatening to rat out her boss, she didn't expect it to end in such a bloody state. _

_It was awful. Horrible. _

'_Maybe I'll get a promotion.'_

_Piper's shoulders slump. 'I can't believe you're making a joke out of this.'_

_Despite everything, she manages to make Alex smile. It's enough to make her smile too. It's enough to make them move on, forget what happened. Just forget everything, and focus only on each other. It's how their relationship has worked from day one. All they see is each other, whatever else happens is a minor detail. Alex pulls back and holds Piper's face, before kissing her. It's a long, slow, tender kiss –– another apology, a silent promise she won't do something like this ever again. _

_A reminder that Piper is and will always come first._

**.**

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'I really need the toilet.'

The nurse glances at her oddly. 'Your therapist is arriving shortly. You can go then.' She places a tray of food at the foot of Piper's bed, and removes the straps around her wrists, allowing the woman to move. When she's gone through the door, Piper reaches over and puts the tray on her lap. She grimaces. The porridge looks dry, and gone off, and she doesn't want to know how old the bread is. Green mould stares at her, and she drops the slice of bread, cringing.

She really needs the damn loo. About ten minutes pass when her therapist arrives, holding his notebook as always. Before he says anything, she interrupts him, 'Can I go to the toilet?'

He stares at her, 'Uh, sure.' Stepping back, he waits while Piper stands to her feet before escorting her to the lavatory. 'Don't be long.' He lets her go and watches as she enters. Piper doesn't waste a second. She barges into the first cubicle and does her business. When she's finished does she realise _why_ her therapist is here. Is he going to tell her she's free? That they'll transfer her back to Lichfield prison? Or, is she stuck here? Does he really think she's psychotic?

Hesitantly, she leaves the lavatory and turns to her doctor. Instantly he grabs her arm and takes her back to the cell. Piper wants to ask if she's been let go; she's desperate to know, but he says nothing and it's not until she's sat on the bed does he start to speak. Before the words leave his lips, though, he makes the result obvious through his expression. There's a strange pity in his eyes, and he looks at her helplessly.

'I'm sorry. We're keeping you in here. You'll be a danger to your fellow inmates if we let you out, and you're not ready to associate with anyone. We'll do everything we can to sort out this anger problem of yours.'

She stares at him. What? No. No... No, this can't be happening. 'I don't have an anger problem,' she states clearly. 'You said it yourself, I haven't got a history of having anger problems!'

'Chapman, calm down.'

'I _am_ calm!'

'If you don't lower your voice, I'll have no choice but to strap you back down to the bed. Do you want that?'

Piper scowls. 'Does it matter? You already think I'm crazy anyway.' Then it clicks. The revelation hits her so hard she nearly jumps to her feet. Anyone can tell that Piper is far from mad. They can't keep her in here without proof she's insane. Unless someone from the outside holds a personal grudge. Someone with authority can keep her locked away. Someone with authority who holds a passionate dislike towards her. 'Wait, you don't think I'm crazy at all. This is Healy's shit.' The therapist frowns at her, but doesn't deny her accusation. 'He's keeping me in here, that fucking––'

'I'll return tomorrow morning, when we will have our second therapy session. Good bye for now.'

'Wait!' Piper reaches forwards and grab his sleeve. 'No, wait...' She catches her breath. She's panicking, she's furious, and she just can't believe this is happening to her. She can't stay here. She hates it here. If she stays here a moment longer she _will_ go insane. Fuck. _Fuck_. 'I need to call someone.' Larry. She needs to contact Larry and tell him what's happened. Or her mother. _Somebody_. She hasn't spoken to any of them in ages, surely they must be worried about her. 'I need to call someone,' she repeats.

The therapist considers this. But then he sighs and pulls his arm out of her grip. 'Eat your food. I don't want you starving.' Piper is speechless when he leaves her, closing the heavy door behind him.

Shuffling back so her back is pressed against the wall, Piper hopes this is just a bad dream. Fooling herself doesn't work, though. She's trapped. As long as Healy still has a grudge against her, she's staying in here. There's no escape, and no one will ever know. She'll die here, and no one will know. People will forget about her, they'll stop caring. For all she knows, they already have.

Oh Gods. Oh _shit_. Piper is on her feet again; she paces the cell, swears under her breath. The temptation to hammer her fists against the door is too much. She _needs_ someone to listen to her, help her, she needs help, she needs _somebody_.

She's alone. And the silence eats away at her sanity slowly.

**.**

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**.**

Hot water burns her flesh, and she hisses between her teeth. Blood pours off her body like a waterfall, and swirls down the drain. Alex switches off the shower, and stands still for a few minutes. It's a miracle she can still move. Her stomach is so sore, and her face is cut and bruised. She knows a rib has been broken, but she refuses to see a doctor. She can't risk that. Stepping out of the shower, she dries herself, and glances in the mirror. A horrible cut is across her cheek, and her lower lip is split. The blackness forming around her left eye doesn't look very promising either.

Slipping on her glasses, Alex leaves the bathroom, and changes into a bra and pyjama trousers. The room where she was attacked is a tip. She straightens the table, neatens out the carpet, throws away broken glass, and grabs the notes Kubra's men left for her. Alex doesn't read them. Dropping the notes onto the table, Alex searches for a lighter and her packet of cigarettes. She doesn't smoke, but appreciates the drug when she needs it most. Inhaling the nicotine, she feels her body ease. Her muscles are no longer as tense, and the pain weakens somewhat. Bravely, Alex approaches the window.

The van is gone.

A shaky sigh escapes her lips, and she draws the curtains. She props the cigar into her mouth, and collapses onto her bed. And her mind goes over what happened again and again. How heavy the men were, how they punched her, kicked her, made her bleed. And she remembers the music from her radio; the volume was so high. How stupid she had been! Why did she think her landlord had put on her radio? Why didn't it occur to her that someone had entered her apartment in order to ambush her?

They've taken her gun.

Rolling onto her side, Alex curls into a foetal position. Kubra's handwriting is elegant, mocking, and his threats are always honest. He _will_ have his men hurt Piper if Alex tries anything funny again. And he _will_ kill her if Alex contacts the police, or has any form of help. Kubra likes to mess around. He doesn't kill the offender. Not straightaway at least. He likes to send warnings, and then torture the offender by hurting those they love. And, as far as Kubra's concerned, Alex only loves one person.

She was an idiot, dangling Piper in front of him all those years ago. As if she were a jewel, a gift.

That bastard saw right through her. Piper isn't a gift, she's not a jewel, she's not some _object_ Alex likes to show off and brag about. Eventually, it got too complicated, it became so much more than that. She may hate certain aspects about her, Piper might drive her up the fucking wall, but she knows, at least, that losing Piper would be _unbearable_. Losing her would kill Alex. Ruin her, completely and utterly make her body decay, make life empty and pointless.

A knock on the door disturbs Alex from her thoughts. She waits. Another knock, louder this time. Heart in her mouth, she slowly sits upright, and stubs the cigarette. Alex stands, pulls on a t-shirt. She quietly makes for the door, grabbing a knife from the drawer. She pauses when there's another knock, then a voice, 'Miss Vause?'

She knows that voice. Knife still in hand, Alex unlocks the door and opens it. Her parole officer frowns at her when he sees the knife, 'I was chopping,' Alex says, then quickly adds, 'Vegetables.'

'I see. What happened to your face?'

'I fell down the stairs.'

'Oh.' He nods. 'You can always take the lift, you know?'

'Thanks. Noted.'

Alex suddenly remembers she had left the letters Kubra's men had given her on the table. She leaves the door open for her parole officer to step inside, and quickly stashes away the notes. He doesn't notice. In fact, he doesn't notice much. Bored, he comes further into the room, and sighs. 'I came to check if you were settling in well, but you seem to be doing all right.'

She raises her brows at him. 'I'm glad you feel that way.'

'Any problems I should know about?'

'No. Except for the landlord who thinks it's perfectly okay to break in when I'm not around.'

Clearly he doesn't have a sense of humour. Or gives a flying shit in the first place. He just shrugs. 'Great. If you require any assistance for anything, you have my contact details.' Alex has a variety of things to say, but she refrains herself. As satisfying as it may be to take the piss out of this lunatic, she doesn't want to end up in any trouble.

She closes the door after him, and loneliness is her company once more. Not that she's going to complain. She snatches her novel and returns to the comfort of her own bed. Falling onto the mattress, Alex raises her knees, and opens the books. When she does, a photograph slips out from the back. She lowers the novel and picks up the photo, and her heart falls.

It's been this long since she's reread this novel. Since she's picked it up and opened it.

When Piper left, Alex had gone to great lengths to get rid of anything that reminded her of the woman. This included clothes, music, photos, letters, texts, even certain types of food. She must have forgotten this one. The photo is old, and they look younger. And they look happy, stupidly happy. Alex is about to rip the photo in half, but she hesitates just as she's about to. She glances at the photo again, looks at Piper.

_Fuck me around again, then your little bitch gets it too_.

A ball forms in her throat and she sits upright, lowering the photograph. There isn't much point worrying over someone who's stuck in prison, but Alex is quickly consumed in this panic, this fear that Piper isn't as safe as she first assumed. Deep down she knows that she's more safe than Alex could ever make her, trapped behind bars. She also knows that the only reason Piper is stuck in a cell is because of her, she knows the only reason Piper is so _fucked_ is because of her. And she knows that even if she scared about Piper's protection, there is absolutely nothing she can do to help her.

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When she hears the door open, and watches her therapist step through, Piper doesn't move. She sits, her back pressed to the wall, and waits for him to deliver more bad news. 'Come on. I'll take you to my office and you can make your phone call.'

Her heart skips a beat. She widens her eyes. 'What?'

'Quickly. My shift has finished and I want to go home.'

She doesn't have to be told twice. Piper stands, and follows her therapist out of the cell. As always, he takes her by the arm and they proceed down the hall, passed the locked rooms containing screaming women, and then into his office. It's small, boring. A desk is positioned in the centre, and documents and a computer are placed atop. The telephone sits at the corner of the desk.

'I'll give you fifteen minutes.' Then, he lets her arm go and leaves the office, closing the door behind him.

Now she's staring at the phone, she's stumped, because she doesn't know _who_ to call. She considers her mother, but has a feeling that conversation wouldn't progress anywhere. She'll have too many questions to ask. Then she considers Cal. But she doesn't know if he'll take the situation too seriously. There's Larry. But he wants nothing to do with her, and not long ago she abused the opportunity of having a good lawyer, who happened to be Larry's father. She fucked it all up because of Alex.

Alex.

Hands shaking, Piper grabs the phone and presses it to her ear. She doesn't think it'll work, but she dials Alex's mobile phone number. By now, she must have changed it. She nearly laughs because the very possibility that Alex might even pick up––

'_Hello_?'

She sounds tired, worn out. Piper is stunned.

All at once, she endures a hundred emotions, and billions of thoughts. There's anger, hatred, bitterness, and an ugly dislike. But there's also this deranged happiness, this delusional, _wonderful_ sensation that warms up her entire body right to the core. Just hearing Alex's voice manages to nearly make Piper tear up, but she composes herself.

'... _Hello?_'

The ability to speak is gone. Piper doesn't know what to say anymore. Why did she ring _Alex_? What good could Alex do? Why is she doing this? Why does she always come back to her? Piper bites down on her lower lip, she's desperate to say something, but she can't. She can't.

'_Piper?_'

She knows. Of course she knows.

'_Piper, is that you...?_'

'Yes.' Piper gasps. 'Are you okay?'

She wants to see her, she wants to see Alex's face. '_Why are you ringing me?_'

'I'm in a psych ward.'

'_What_?'

'They transferred me here when I got back from Chicago.'

'_Because of what you did to Doggett_?'

'Yes.'

'_What the fuck, Piper? How long are you in there for?_'

'I don't know.'

'_Are **you** okay? They can't keep you in there long. You didn't kill her. Plus, she was the one antagonising you. Right?_'

Piper grasps the phone tighter. 'Alex?' It was a mistake to call her. A terrible mistake. 'Are you still mad at me?' Tears blur her vision and she roughly wipes them away.

There's a pause, and then, '_I was never mad, Pipes. But I was hurt. I **am** hurt_.'

'... I need you here,' Piper whispers, and inhales shakily. 'I need you here with me.'

'_It'll be okay. Just –– find something to distract yourself. They can't keep you there long_.'

'How d'you know that?'

'_... I don't. I'm just... I don't know what to say._'

There's a knock on the door. Piper turns, and sees the doctor through the window. Five minutes, he mouths. Piper looks away. 'Where are you? Where are you staying?'

'_Queens_.'

'Really?'

'_Really. And it's even more of a shit hole than people say_.'

Piper laughs shortly. 'Oh.' It's at that point she forgets about what happened in Chicago, and she forgets how Alex fucked her over, made a mess out of her. It's at that point she realises just _what_ Alex means to her, how much her company can make such a difference. She needs to hear Alex speak again, she wants Alex to speak, wants to listen to her, because listening to her is so comforting and wonderful. 'I miss you.' Piper clenches a fist, and chews on her lower lip, allowing the next few tears to fall.

'_Yeah._' Alex is silent for a moment. '_I miss you, too, kid._'

'Get me out of here. Please.' She doesn't care how shaky her voice is, how obvious it is that she's crying.

'_Pipes, listen to me: unless you give them hard proof that you are insane, they can't keep you in there. You're just taking up room. Keep your head down, and your mouth shut unless you're asked questions. You have to believe me when I say you're not going to be in there for long_.'

'I don't want to lose you.'

'_Snap out of it, Piper. I'm not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily_.'

The door opens and her therapist steps inside. He bobs his head towards her, a gesture that Piper needs to hang up the phone soon. 'I have to go.'

'_You'll be okay. Trust me._'

'Okay.'

'_And I'm sorry. For what I did in Chicago._'

'You'd fucking better be,' Piper stutters, but she smiles anyway. 'Bye.'

The line goes flat. Piper looks, and sees the therapist has hung up. She places the phone down and wipes away a few stray tears. Her therapist then takes her by the arm. 'Did you say everything you needed to?'

'Sort of.'

'Oh well. Maybe another time.'

And Piper follows Alex's advice, and hopes it'll work. Trusting Alex _again_ is the last thing she should do, but she has no choice. She never has a choice when it comes to Alex –– _keep your head down, and your mouth shut_. Piper obediently lets her be escorted back to her cell, and when the door shuts behind her, she crawls into bed and pulls the blanket over her.

The silence consumes her, and it's only when she starts imagining Alex's arms around her, holding her close, does Piper start to cry again. It's pathetic, but she can't help herself. She fucked up. _They_ fucked up.

Maybe that was the last time she'll ever hear Alex's voice, and maybe that was the last time she'll ever have the opportunity to speak to someone she considers close. Maybe that's it. Maybe she won't be able to apologise herself, apologise for being such a bitch, apologise for being so selfish and needy. Maybe she won't be able to be completely honest.

Maybe.

_Get me out of here. Please._

Maybe another time.

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**author's note**: I just wanted to say a quick thank you to **Next Exit**, **garganta**, **jacklavigne**, **[ Guest ]**, **izzielg** and **Trigger Fingers **for taking the time to review the previous chapter. I don't think I can stress just how much your feedback means to me. To be honest, I am quite self-conscious about what I'm writing, but your encouragement really helps me overcome my hesitance. What I mainly struggle with is actually how Alex and Piper interact with each other, considering how things ended between them in episode one of the second season. Hopefully I'm not stepping too much into the out of character barrier here. The flash back in the beginning is pure headcanon, but a headcanon I quite like and will venture further into as the story progresses.

Updates may be a tad more delayed than usual. This is because I'm moving out of my apartment, and I have teacher training for a week in London on Sunday. We shall see how things go. It may not make much difference.

Thank you very much for reading! Please do leave some feedback. I really want to know what you all think so far. Until next time.


	4. Lay Your Cards

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The first thing she notices is the child. He's young, about four years of age, and is so wrapped up in his own imaginary world he doesn't notice her at the gate. It feel wrong, to step into the boy's garden, but she doesn't have a choice. She knows she's not welcome here, but she doesn't have a choice. She knows the owner of this pretty, little home doesn't want to see her, but she doesn't have a choice. Alex closes the gate behind her, which catches the boy's attention. She's not good with children; they annoy her, and they are difficult to talk to, but she tries this one time, 'Hi there. Is your father in?'

He stares at her with large blue eyes, then nods. 'Daddy!' Alex tenses slightly, and straightens, turning to the entrance of the house when a man steps out. The last time she saw this man, he was lying on a hospital bed, half dead, desperate for heroin, and literally begging her to give him some dope. Technically, he was a customer, and a very enthusiastic customer, but, he is also a sort-of friend. It's weird to see him like this. He looks healthy, a little thin, but it's clear to Alex he's no longer a user.

To her surprise, he doesn't demand she get off his property. Instead he smiles and makes his way over, 'Good to see you're out of those chains. When did you get out of Lichfield?'

She cocks a brow. 'You heard about that?'

'Word gets around fast. Especially when you socialise with the wrong people.' He glances at his son, who's returned to playing with his toys on the lawn. 'You can't stay here long. If my wife comes back and sees you––'

'I know. I'm the drug dealer from hell, I get it. I actually need a favour.'

He laughs. 'Depends what kind of favour it is, Vause.'

She lowers her voice. 'I need a piece.'

There's a beat, and he stiffens. 'No.'

'Come on, I've never asked you for anything, and you know the amount of times I've given you dope without you paying up.'

'That's in the past.'

'Bullshit.'

'Vause, watch your mouth.'

He looks at his child again, and the boy remains undisturbed by the adults' conversation. A sigh, and he nods his head towards the house, 'Let's go inside.' Alex doesn't refuse, but she's annoyed. If this idiot decides to act uncooperative with her, then she'll be stumped. Together they enter the house, and when she's stepped inside, she's amazed by what she sees. This is a proper family home. Portraits of the man and his wife and child are attached to the wall, there are a line of shoes off to the side, three different sizes. Coats hung up, toys scattered across the floor.

'Sorry for the mess.'

'I've seen worse,' Alex mumbles, stepping over a toy car. 'When did this happen, then?'

'When did what happen?'

'You playing house.'

He smiles at her. 'Around five years ago, I met my wife, and she helped me through my addiction with heroin. We fell in love, got married and had a child.'

'Cute.' Alex refrains from rolling her eyes. In a way, she's happy for him, but there's a discomfort inside her which she can't shake. She doesn't like it here at all. It's too nice. It's too _good_. It's too perfect. She almost wants to hit him in the face; this life is so annoying. Then she realises she doesn't want to hurt him, she doesn't hate him, and she doesn't dislike this life he has.

Jealousy is one of Alex's ugly qualities. She's jealous of him.

They enter what she assumes is the kitchen, and he stands on the opposite side of the table from her. Now, he's no longer smiling, and she can see lines around his eyes and how pale his skin is. The effects of the drugs are still clear in his face. 'Why do you need a gun?'

She doesn't see any point in beating around the bush. 'I'm in danger.' He sighs. 'Kubra's henchmen are onto me. You know what they're like.'

'Yeah,' he sneers. 'I do.'

Through very few words, he makes it clear that he remembers what happened several years ago. Alex shoves a hand into her pocket. 'I thought you had moved on,' she snorts. 'That time when me and Felix kept tabs on you –– it got out of hand. We weren't meant to hurt you.' Alex can try and apologise, but, frankly, she's not in the right mood. Plus, she shares no sympathy for a man who's got the luxury of a life now. 'If I didn't step in, you would have been killed. Considering I gave you free dope, _and_ saved your pathetic life, you owe me something at least.'

He rolls his eyes, then lowers his gaze in thought. 'Where is she?'

'Who?'

'The blonde who followed you around like a lost puppy. Get bored of her?'

Alex folds her arms, and smiles crookedly. 'Women are like heroin. They're refreshing and satisfying at first, until you get too attached. Even the best drug can fuck you up after a while. Let's just say I had to try something new. Why? Do you miss staring at her chest when you thought I wasn't looking?' He grimaces. 'Leave her out of this,' Alex's smile fell. 'This is between you and me.'

'Fine.' He raises his brows. 'Did Kubra's men do that to your face?' Alex says nothing. 'Wonder what they'll do next.'

'That's why I need a piece. You get me one, and I won't come back. This is the last time you'll see me.'

The man rolls back his shoulder, runs a hand through his hair, then nods. 'You'd better not tell anyone where you got this.'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Seriously, Vause.' He stops. Shrugs. 'This is my life now. I like it, and I don't want it to change. You won't understand, but having a family –– or, at least, having someone who loves you is the best thing ever. I don't want to be involved in your shit anymore.'

A nod. But she's silent. Alex is good at keeping secrets, and she's hidden objects before in the past, including guns. It's unlikely she will be discovered. When she lets him search for one, Alex waits, leans against the table. She's fidgety. Impatient. She tries to tell herself that the only reason she's getting this gun is to protect herself, but there's more to it than that. There's a lot more to it than that, because Piper has everything to do with what Alex is currently doing. Alex is a schemer, she can plan ahead, but she's not necessarily a fighter.

Which is why helping Piper out _this way_ is best. That phone call she received yesterday has clung to her mind, and she can still remember the way Piper spoke, how shaky her voice was, how obvious it was that she was crying. All the anger and bitterness Alex previously felt for her evaporated instantly, and she hated herself for what she had done. Even though she is free, she doesn't _feel_ free. She still feels locked away, rotting behind bars, and very much alone. What's the point of having a life when there's no one to waste it with?

Piper had come to her. Before, Alex had been clear she didn't want the woman to do such a thing. Piper _could not_ go to her anymore. She chose Larry, so she had to go to Larry, not her. And yet, Piper completely disobeyed. When given the opportunity to contact someone outside the prison, she chose Alex. She _chose_ Alex, and maybe it was just a one-off. Maybe she didn't mean to choose Alex at the time, maybe she wasn't thinking straight, but she still chose Alex. Whatever was on her mind, and whatever happened, the first person she wanted to speak to was Alex –– at the time, she was the _only_ person Piper could speak to.

If Alex had a heart of stone, she would have moved on. Fuck, she would have moved on the day Piper abandoned her in Paris. But whatever feelings she has for this crazy bitch, whatever the fuck is wrong with her, she _couldn't_ move on. She _can't_ move on. It's hilarious that Alex would compare Piper to a drug, because the addiction is so much more powerful, so much more manipulative and corruptive and so _destructive_ too. Alex wants Piper out of the psych ward; she's seen for herself just how much that demented prison can change a person.

The plan she has in mind is foolish, childish, but it's all she's got.

Soon, a box is placed in her hands, and Alex doesn't waste a second longer to leave the house. The child waves at her on her way out, and she absently waves back. She moves quickly, and with each step she takes, the box feels heavier. The gun shifts within, fully loaded, ready to kill.

It's the first time in her life when she considers praying for help.

**.**

**.**

**.**

She knows exactly where to go. It's his favourite place to dine at; he always picks the fanciest restaurants, the best food, the comfiest seats. He likes his luxury handed to him on a plate, because he is an invincible God, sitting on his throne, worshipped by skinny, dissolving addicts and guarded by shifty men and woman who he grooms as his pets. It's a life she was forced to walk away from, but it was a life which kept her breathing.

The gun is tucked into her trouser waist, hidden, but she hopes to not use it. Alex steps through the door of the restaurant, and searches for the bar. It's posh, and cosy. Very few customers today. Just as she rounds the corner to enter the room, she spots a large man approach out of the corner of her eye. Alex tenses immediately, but he walks straight past, uncaring. It reminds her she needs to stay calm. Stay calm, and no one will suspect anything.

When she sees him, sitting in his favourite corner, with three other men, her heart stops. But not out of fear. Not out of shock, either. She doesn't know what makes her pause in her tracks. Maybe it's because she never expected to see him again, this man who she had been working for for as long as she can remember. He's almost been fatherly to her, or brotherly –– in many aspects, he's been more than just the boss. It's one reason why he took her betrayal so personally.

Alex decides to not move. He's already seen her, as have his three men. Despite his cruel orders, and cold career, his eyes are gentle and warm. One of the men stands, but Kubra quickly grabs him by the sleeve. He doesn't have to speak, but his intentions are clear. Alex feels safer to come closer now. One of them drags a chair over, and there's a buzzing silence between them all while she sits. The man next to her doesn't stop staring, but she only focusses on Kubra; everything else is simply irrelevant. She's unfazed.

'It looks like you took a nasty fall,' he says, smoothly.

'You'd know,' Alex replies.

Then he smirks, and tells the others to leave. They obey, and exit the bar altogether. Admittedly, Alex feels more at ease to just be in Kubra's company. 'I do apologise for your face, Vause. You actually look more the part. I hope my message was _delivered_.'

'I want work.'

He leans back in his seat. 'Oh really? I thought you'd resigned. How about a waitress, you could always try that. You might need to wash your mouth a bit, first. Wasn't your lady love a waitress too? I do miss her.'

'I was one of the best importers you had,' Alex says, moving forwards slightly. 'Just because I've been locked away for a year or so, that doesn't mean I've lost my touch.' He's silent. He wants her to say more. 'I ratted you out. So, I owe you one.'

Then he smiles. 'What's wrong? Need to pay your rent?'

'Quit it with the shit.' She swallows, fiddles with her glasses. 'I need a lawyer. A good one.'

He nods. 'Ah. Of course.'

'Get me a lawyer, and I'll do what you want.'

'Why?' Alex averts her gaze momentarily. She opens her mouth to speak, then decides against it. It doesn't matter now; he's already guessed. 'Because of little Pipes? Aw. Vause, you never cease to surprise me. You made her lie about ever seeing me, and now you want her out? You need to make up your mind about what you want.'

'I know what I want.'

'Uh-Huh. I'm sure you do.' A cruel smiles reaches his lips. 'You still love her.'

Alex smiles back. Both of them are masters at this game; they can play their cards, and maintain a poker face all the way through. He's taught her many tricks. So, naturally, he sees right through her. Either way, Alex masks her emotions out of instinct, out of some crazy protection over Piper. Out of a little pride, too. 'She's nice to look at, but I wouldn't go that far.'

'Of course. She did break your heart, after all.' Alex wisely offers no response. She wishes Kubra doesn't know about that, but he knew right away. It's a fact he's hung over her head ever since. _You're not that strong, Vause. Pity. I thought more of you_. He gulps down some of his beer. 'Would you like one?'

'No.'

'Don't be like that. You always say "yes".' He clicks his fingers, and the barman prepares the same drink, before sending it over. When he's gone, Kubra looks at her again, and there's a menacing glint in his eyes which sends a shiver down her spine. 'You'll do what I want, will you?'

Alex sighs impatiently. 'Anything. Just get me a damn good lawyer, all right? She's stuck in a psych ward, and there's no way she's getting out without some help from outside.' No response. She rolls her eyes. 'Apart from that time your fucking dick of a friend ratted me out, when have I ever let you down? I've never _once_ failed in delivering your shit. Admit it, you need me back here.'

'So persuasive.'

'Will you stop fucking around? Yes or no?'

He doesn't blink. 'Does your parole officer know you're here?'

'Of course he does. He's waiting right outside for me. When I get back I'm going to tell him what a pleasant conversation we had, and how we plan to meet next Tuesday for tea.'

'Invite him. I'm sure he'll have the time of his life.'

Alex stands to her feet, and slams her palm onto the table. 'I'm not fucking kidding around here! Like I said, I'll do what you ask. Just get me a lawyer that'll get Chapman out. Get me the best one you have. I've seen your best. In fact, I'm certain I met the guy in court a few days ago. He was that good, he didn't get you into prison, am I right?"

'Vause. Sit down. You'll scare the customers.' Peering over her shoulder, Alex realises a couple have just stepped into the bar. Quietly she returns to her seat and waits. While he considers his options, Kubra stares at her, and even though his stare is intimidating and makes her bones rattle, Alex stares right back. Then he leans forwards, 'I'll get your sweetheart out.'

'Thank you.'

'Hold on. Just to prove you're telling me the truth, I have a package for you to deliver.'

Alex raises her brows. 'Don't hold back.'

Eyes still on her, Kubra reveals a sheet of folded paper from his pocket and passes it over. 'This was originally meant for my latest employee, but you may do a more efficient job than a newbie. The instructions are inside. Screw up, then I'll know.' Alex takes the paper, stands to her feet and turns to leave. 'Vause? I really hope saving your girlfriend is worth it. I have a lot of exciting adventures for you, after all. Perhaps she'll join you again?'

She says nothing. She leaves, stuffing the sheet of paper into her pocket. Even when she's far away from the restaurant, back inside the privacy of her own apartment, Alex can still feel his eyes on her. Her hands are shaking, and she roughly reads her instructions; they're easy. Too easy it's insulting but she's not going to complain.

This is a mistake. She knows this is a mistake, but she hasn't a choice. She will do this, because it's all she can do. The decision is inevitable.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It's a cold evening. Larry Bloom turns up the heating, and pulls on a jumper. Really, the house he used to share with Piper has always been cold since the day she left. The lack of company is unsettling, and his stomach still churns whenever he sees her clothes or her favourite mug. It's unfair how he's mocked this way, how Piper's presence teases him, but she's not reachable. In his head, he's been counting down the days until she's out of Lichfield.

But time doesn't get any faster.

Thanksgiving was awful. And the days following were Hell. He's grown distant with Piper's family, aside from her brother, Cal. His parents seem to have lost interest in him; they don't care. He admits this is reasonable, considering they only knew her through their daughter. Yet even though Piper is in prison, that doesn't mean they're no longer––

Why hasn't he got rid of the engagement ring yet? Why does he let it stand on the windowsill, as if waiting for her return? Larry wants to throw it away, get rid of it, _burn_ the object, because, _fuck_, Piper made it clear he's out of the picture. She slept with someone else, and, what's worse, that someone else was her ex-girlfriend. The very woman who got her into all of this _shit_. Larry doesn't want to imagine, he doesn't want to give it any thought, but knowing Piper has been touched by someone else, _fucked_ by someone else, sends him down a spiral of horrid, disgusting emotions that he can't shrug aside.

She broke his heart. Shattered it right in the centre.

The kettle reaches the boil. He pours himself some decaffeinated coffee, paces the kitchen, glances out of the window. The moon is gorgeous and bright. He sighs, and stands idly for a while when he hears a knock at the door. Larry frowns, places his mug aside. It could be Polly, possibly Cal but he doubts that. When he opens the door, his heart jolts when he sees his visitor.

Alex Vause has always looked a little scary to him, and he thinks it's mainly because of her dark hair and makeup. It's a startling contrast against her pale complexion. 'What––?' Larry swallows. 'What are you doing here?'

'That's not important.' Her tone is blunt, rude. But he's not willing to point that out. 'Piper has been transferred to a psych ward––'

'_What_?'

'––and I've found a lawyer who'll help get her out––'

'Wh–– My father is a lawyer. He can––'

Alex continues speaking as if he never interrupted her, '––He's a good lawyer. She should be transferred back to Lichfield by the end of the week at the latest. Piper will have questions, she'll want to know who gave her the lawyer. You are to say it was you.'

So much is being said to him, Larry doesn't know how to respond at first. He stares at her, frowns again. 'Why?'

'Just do it, yeah?'

'Why is she in a psych ward?'

'You can ask her when she's out,' Alex replies, and turns to leave.

Larry grabs her by the shoulder, 'Why do _you_ know she's in there? Why have I found this out through _you_?'

At once Alex roughly pulls out of his grip. Then she chuckles, 'I don't know. She rang me.' A pause. There's a satisfying look in her eyes, like that time she told Larry it was Piper who fucked her, not the other way around. 'Says a lot, don't you think?'

Larry scowls. 'And why are you out?'

'Got a few tricks up my sleeve. You just do what I told you, all right? Heck, it might get you two lovebirds back together again. Wouldn't that be sweet?'

'What if I tell her you got the lawyer?' Larry challenges.

She shrugs. 'Do what you want, I guess, but the girl's all yours. I want nothing to do with her. I thought we went through this.'

Larry stiffens, then nods reluctantly. 'How did you know I lived here?'

'I followed you home.' Larry widens his eyes. 'Pft, are you kidding me? Piper told me, back at the prison. Turns out we spoke about more than just drugs and lesbian porn.' He doesn't laugh. He doesn't smile. He glares at her, because she's mocking him, and she _enjoys_ mocking him, and she is not going to apologise for it, no matter how much he hates her.

This time he lets Alex leave, and he closes the door, locking it after himself. Thousands of questions batter at his mind, and he wishes Alex had told him more. Just what the _fuck_ is going on? Running a hand through his hair, Larry returns to his tea, takes a sip, then pours it away.

**.**

**.**

**.**

'_Promise me one thing.'_

'_What?'_

'_You won't run.'_

_Alex laughs. 'I'm not really a runner, Pipes.'_

'_You won't leave, then.'_

'_I should be asking you the same.' She snaps her novel shut._

_Piper smiles. 'Where would I go without you?'_

'_Good answer.'_

'_And you? Will you leave me one day?'_

'_I don't know. I've been considering eloping with that girl we met at the bar the other day.'_

_Piper stands to her feet and approaches Alex on the bed. 'Have you?' Alex just smiles, and Piper enjoys the way she watches her, how her eyes study her face, her figure, take everything in. It makes her feel beautiful, makes her feel good and right. Loved. 'What does she have that I don't?' Piper whispers, inching closer, a small, hesitant smile twitching at her lips._

'_A better paid job, for one.'_

_The blonde pouts slightly. 'Well, apart from that.'_

_Alex tenderly strokes her cheek with the pad of her thumb. 'She has more to say, I suppose.'_

'_Oh. So you like the chattier types?'_

_A shrug. 'Maybe.'_

'_Is it the breasts?' Alex raises a brow. 'She has bigger breasts.'_

'_It's rude to stare at that area, kid.' She grins. 'And here I thought you had manners.'_

'_Didn't know you cared about that area anyway,' Piper sits across her waist. 'What else has she got?'_

_Alex reaches up to kiss her lips. 'Dignity.' She kisses Piper again before she can retort. It's a harder kiss, and her tongue tickles Piper's lower lip, causing the younger woman to exhale softly. 'She's also less tense,' Alex's hands runs down Piper's sides, and the blonde inhales, resting her hands on Alex's shoulders. 'But––' She kisses her again, and gently pushes Piper onto her back. '––there's no comparison, really.' She crawls atop of her, 'I'll reconsider eloping.'_

_Rolling her eyes, Piper avoids Alex's gaze. 'You're so charming. You know, sometimes I wonder why I felt so compelled towards you when we first met.'_

_Just to piss her off even more, Alex laughs again. 'Gosh, Pipes.' She leans down and tenderly bites her earlobe. Piper gasps. 'I never took you for the jealous type,' she whispers. 'It's actually kind of turning me on.'_

'_You didn't answer my question.' A blush is forming across Piper's cheeks. They've been together for several months now, but, every now and again, Alex can still make her redden in embarrassment at the slightest comment. _

'_No.' _

_Alex isn't smiling anymore. They kiss again, and this time Piper reacts. She instantly wraps her arms around Alex's middle, and tries to play the aggressor, forcing her tongue past Alex's lips, but her girlfriend is having none of it. She persists, and Piper eventually retreats, lets Alex take the lead. Her breath is warm and intimate down her throat, and she moans softly when Alex nips at her lower lip, her hands dancing down her top, slipping beneath to affectionately caress her tummy. _

_Something makes Piper move. A jolt of electricity which shoots up her spine. It's a possessiveness she can't handle; she pulls at Alex's top, eager to get rid of the material. For a moment, Alex complies, and Piper doesn't waste a second to feel her soft flesh under her palms, touching the familiar curves of her shoulder blades, down her arms, across her chest, before resting at her hips. Alex moves away from Piper's mouth, her lips soft and wet against her neck. Piper arches her back, exhales, breathes heavily, and her body shudders, desperate._

'_I won't leave.'_

**.**

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**.**

**author's note**: Thank you **garganta**, **bluepaintbox**, **[ Guest ]**, **izzielg**, **aMirrorMaze**, **Chand3li3r** for reviewing the prior chapter. Sorry about the lack of Piper in this chapter, but you'll see more of her next time. Hope this chapter made sense, and you all enjoyed it!

I wanted to say that I'll be posting an AU Alex/Piper story soon. It will have a different mood than this one (more comedy and such), and I'm rather excited about it. For the moment, it's my intention to simply post the first chapter and then continue with it properly when this story is finished. Please check it out when it's up; I'd really appreciate that. Until next time!


	5. For A Smile

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White  
**5.**

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**.**

'Chapman?'

'Yeah, sorry. The wind's just really loud –– it distracted me.'

'Did you hear what I asked?'

'If I'm doing okay? I heard you, yes.'

'So... _are_ you doing okay?'

No, and she hasn't been "doing okay" for a while now. 'Is this a trick question?'

'What do you mean?'

'If I say I've been doing okay, you'll probably think I'm delusional. If I say I've _not_ been doing okay, you'll probably think I'm depressed. So, is this a trick question?'

Her therapist sighs. Removes his glasses. 'No, Chapman. I don't ask trick questions, and I'm only asking generally. There's no need to be paranoid.'

'I'm not.'

'Then answer my question.'

It's the wind again, so loud, and fierce, howling, battering the walls outside. In some strange way, Piper finds comfort in the noise –– maybe because it reassures her life is still happening, it still keeps going, even if she can't observe it herself. 'I'm hungry.'

'I'm sorry?'

'Never mind.'

A long pause. He sits there, waiting, and she sits opposite, looking everywhere but at him. Piper slumps back in her seat; she's not willing to talk. Even though she shouldn't, she holds this man with dislike. He refuses to tell her the reasons as to why she's still in the psych ward, and even though she has a hunch Healy is behind this, she still places blame on her therapist.

Because he didn't fight for her. He _knew_ she was sane, _very_ sane, but he didn't fight. He just let things be.

Now the world spins, and people live and laugh without her. Everything keeps moving, and she's not there to see it. Her family must wonder where she is, unless a CO has already told them back at Lichfield prison. Gods, she can only imagine her mother's reaction. The thought makes her insides squirm. There's no point thinking about it; she shouldn't worry about things she can't help. She hopes, eventually, they'll let her out; they'll realise there's nothing wrong with her.

Yet, deep down, she knows if that _does_ happen, it won't be soon.

What a dumb fucking life. She wonders if never meeting Alex would have changed her fate completely. If she had walked away when Alex approached her at the bar all those years ago; if she had turned and left when Alex confessed, sincerely, she was indeed a drug importer. She should have been smart and responsible, and not let her love for the woman make her irrational.

But, damn it, Alex would have creeped into her life one way or another.

"_Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?"_

'––Chapman.'

'I'm not in a chatty mood today.'

He opens his mouth to respond but is cut short when there's a knock at the door. 'Sorry, excuse me.' Piper watches him stand to his feet and open the door. She doesn't turn, but she hears whispers, more whispers, then she can hear him coming back. 'I'm afraid I'll have to end our session here.' Not that she minds; she doesn't mind at all. 'Maybe tomorrow.'

Minutes later, she's lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Waiting has become the norm. And she hates it; hates every fucking second. Piper clenches a fist, grinds her teeth, and sneers. This is unfair. Stupid. Unfair. _Fucking unfair_. They won't hear her out; they won't listen to her. And, fuck, she wasted her one single phone call on a woman who probably doesn't give a flying shit about her wellbeing anymore. Just thinking about Alex makes Piper wince, so she resorts to someone else.

It suddenly hits her how much she misses her brother. His humour and level-headedness. He was always good at keeping her calm, making a negative situation seem positive. Piper sits upright. She can't stay here; she can't, she can't. Glancing at the door, she hesitates. They're not letting her go anytime soon, and this isolation is driving her nuts, makes her angry.

Piper fucking hates prison.

Jumping to her feet, she rushes for the door and slams her body into it. A loud _bang_ echoes the room, and she hopes the noise reaches outside too. Piper kicks the door hard, then hits it repeatedly with her fists, kicks again; she keeps kicking and punching until she wears herself out. 'Assholes!' Piper whams her side into the door, stops, leans her forehead against the cold frame.

Great. That's _really_ going to help them believe she's sane.

She swears to herself that as soon as she gets out of here, she's going to live properly. She's going to get a damn ring on her fourth finger, get married, have a fucking kid or ten, and just live a normal fucking life. Because she is _sick_ of this life; this life she's been forced to suffer ever since she met Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex –– _for fuck's sake, think of somebody else!_ Why can't she think of Larry instead? His sweet smile, and warm eyes. How he held her close before she was sent off to prison, how he made her feel _safe_ and protected. Being with Alex was the exact opposite; life with Alex was a constant adventure, and it wasn't always exciting. Most of the time, Piper was frightened.

Maybe she doesn't want adventure anymore. Even if she still loves Alex, that doesn't mean she's right for her. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. _Fuck you, Alex, and your fucking glasses_. Piper slams her foot into the door. That's when the lock turns. 'What the––?' Piper steps back, eyes wide, but her heart drops when she realises she didn't miraculously break free. Her therapist steps inside.

'You can kick the door all you want, it's not going down.'

'Worth a try,' Piper murmurs.

He smiles. 'Good news: you're being released.'

Piper laughs. Then stops. She frowns. '... is this a test?'

'No. I'm serious. Your lawyer was able to apply for your release; very smoothly done. He was most persuasive apparently. Not only that, he's also working into shortening your time at Lichfield. You're lucky to have found this man, Chapman. He seems good.'

A _lot_ of things are running in her mind currently. She gathers the interruption in her therapy session had to do something about the lawyer, but the fact he is able to get her transferred back to Lichfield so quickly proves this man isn't Larry's father. Larry's father is decent at his job, but not always. In all frankness, Larry's father is not the best lawyer around –– far from it. The last thing he'd be able to do would be release Piper from a psych ward, let alone shorten her detention time.

'Whoa,' Piper says.

'Would you like to meet him?'

Piper blinks. 'Uh–– I guess.'

The therapist nods, and peers over his shoulder. Piper doesn't see the well-dressed male standing not too far away until he enters the room. A briefcase is in his hand, and he's wearing black trousers, black tie, blazer and a white shirt. His hair is neatly combed back, and he seems young. Mid-thirties, perhaps. He smiles crookedly at her; it's a kind smile, and his eyes are a bright blue, gentle. His look reminds her of a man she met several years ago; he has a similar face to Alex's former boss.

Once he's inside, the therapist steps out and closes the door behind him. 'Miss Chapman,' the lawyer steps forwards and offers a hand to shake. 'Jon Kirk. I'm your lawyer.' He raises his brows, smiles. Piper shakes his hand. 'Don't worry. I've dealt with most of the paperwork, and all the discussion required has been done. Now, I know you have been neglected. Due to the lack of evidence of your alleged insanity, and the fact you've been _trapped_ here without having a say –– well, you are free to sue, despite being a prisoner. Your CO, Mister Healy, has a lot to owe you. If you're interested in suing, Chapman, then do say. You have a right.'

Who _is_ this guy? Piper stares at him for a moment. Then smiles crookedly. 'Who contacted you? Someone must have, and the only person who knows I'm here is––' Piper stops. Not Alex, surely.

'Your fiancé, Larry,' Jon answers. Piper's heart skips a beat. 'He must have found out, Miss Chapman. I expect you have a lot to thank him for once you're out.'

It's a relief. She's glad it's Larry. _So glad_. 'Yeah...' she chuckles breathily. 'I do.'

'So, the suing?'

'No.'

'No?'

'No, I...' Piper sighs. 'Look, I really want to get out of here, do my time, and then go back to living a normal life. I don't want to cause more trouble––'

'_Trouble_? Goodness, no. You're battling against injustice.' He smiles again, and she realises he's patronising her. He's dumbing things down. Maybe it's just what sort of person he is, but she doesn't appreciate it. She won't argue with him, though. He's letting her out. What more can she ask for? 'If you change your mind, then you are welcome to contact me. I'll give you my business card once you're let go.'

'Thanks.'

'As for shortening your time, I doubt you have a problem with that.'

'No–– I just–– _How_ will you be able to do that?'

He taps his temple. 'You know, the beauty with the law is that you can twist it to work in your favour. Don't worry about how I'll go about this. I'm brilliant at what I do, and I'm also a man of my word. As long as you consent to this arrangement––'

'_Yes_!' Piper is beaming, practically jumping for joy, but she quickly calms herself. 'I mean, yeah, sounds good.'

'Peachy.' He shakes her hand again. 'It was nice meeting you. Don't worry. You'll only have to spend one more night here.' After offering another smile, Jon approaches the door, knocks, and goes out when it's opened. For the first time, Piper doesn't feel a darkness settle in her when the door closes. She can barely breathe. Her cheeks are hurting from smiling so much.

Already, _already_, she's being let out. Fuck, she was stupid! Of _course_ people will know she's stuck in here. Larry must have been informed by the COs at Lichfield –– possibly. Or heard via her mother, or Cal, or _someone_, it doesn't matter. All she cares about is the fact she's no longer trapped in this hell, and that when she does leave, she'll know she's not alone after all.

Hands shaking, she sits on the edge of her bed. It's the first time she's felt happy in months.

**.**

**.**

**.**

As soon as she finishes her first exchange of drugs, one of Kubra's henchmen contacts her. He's dressed in ordinary civilian clothing and is waiting for Alex outside her apartment. Instantly she stiffens when she sees him, but once she recognises his face –– pointy nose, full lips, short hair –– she eases. He smiles and walks over to her, 'I thought you were dead.'

'Nice. What are you doing here?'

'Can't a guy come say hello to an old friend?'

'Funny. We were never friends, Felix.' She brushes past him and stabs her key into the lock, before opening the door. 'I have tea.'

Smiling still, Felix sighs in approval and follows her inside. While Alex peels off her jacket and stashes away her gun without him noticing, Felix examines her apartment. Truthfully, there isn't much. A handful of novels, a settee, an old TV which probably doesn't work, an oven and kettle. 'This place is grim, Vause. Once you get all your dosh back, you should get a proper house. With carpets and shit.'

'I don't exactly have a choice in the matter,' Alex replies, returning into the main room. She flicks on the kettle and prepares two mugs of tea. 'Even though my parole officer doesn't know what fucking day it is, he'll eventually realise I've moved and I'll be thrown back behind bars.'

Felix cocks a brow. 'Rather you than me.'

'Enough making nice. What do you want?'

'Kubra's got more jobs for you. Best sharpen your claws, Vause, because we're going hunting.'

At that, Alex feels a wave of disappointment rush through her. The last time she had kept tabs on someone was with Felix a long time ago, and that ended in a bloody mess. Kubra was punishing them both for days. Leaning against the counter, Alex folds her arms. 'Who's it this time?'

'Some chick. Completely dropped out without a warning. You know how much the boss hates that. If none of us were on the scene in time, we would have let an entire case of heroin get dropped off at an airport in Paris without anyone there to pick it up.'

'Fuck.'

'A close shave, but that bitch has hell to pay.'

'... is that how you felt about me?' Alex removes her glasses, cocks a brow. 'That I had hell to pay?'

Felix doesn't respond at first. For a moment, he fidgets, then shrugs. 'You fucked up, Vause. Big time. And you only made things worse for yourself when you got your girlfriend involved.'

'She's not my girlfriend,' Alex snaps. Instantly Felix responds. A cruel smile reaches his lips, but she cuts him off before he can taunt her, 'They were offering a release if I named Kubra. You would have done the exact same thing.'

'If you're willing to stab your boss in the back like that –– who, for the record, has done you good for years –– why did you come crawling back?'

Alex rolls her eyes. 'Why the fuck does it matter anymore? I'm back on the job. If he wants me to send this bird a message, then whatever, I'll do it. Just fuck off, all right? It's got nothing to do with you.'

'Fine, fine. Your kettle's boiled.'

Silence. Alex pours their mugs of tea, and passes him his. 'Just a head's up: I can't be out long. You'll have to keep tabs on this girl at night –– I'll have to head home.'

'We're not keeping tabs on her. We're doing to her what was done to you.'

'Shit.'

'You did ask Kubra to employ you again.'

'Yeah, to actually do the job I'm good at: importing drugs, not beating the shit out of people I don't even know.'

Felix sips his tea. 'Cry me a river, Vause. Are you up to this or not?'

If she isn't up for this, then, without a doubt, Kubra would have his lawyer change his mind about Piper's release. She has to keep this up, for as long as it takes. For Piper. Urgh, what a mess that woman has made of her. Since when did Alex push everything aside for one person? And what is the point? Will Piper ever know? Will she even care? Alex's heart lurches.

No, she doesn't want Piper to know it was her who sent the lawyer. She can't see Piper, she can't let Piper into her life again. Because every time that's happened, it's only ended in disarray. It never works. They keep coming back to each other, always, but it never fucking works––

"_Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?"_

Alex tightens her grip on her mug. Looks at Felix. 'When do we set off?'

'In three days. Guess you've got time to ponder first.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

Never in her life has Piper been so joyful to see Lichfield prison. The handcuffs have been removed from her wrists, and she's been forced into orange scrubs, but she couldn't be happier. Piper is almost tempted to kiss the dirty floor; she's out. She's free. Fucking Christ, she's _alive_. Honestly, if Larry were here right now, she'd kiss him too. She honestly would. How on _earth_ he got such a fantastic lawyer is beyond her, but she hopes he'll try and contact her in due time.

Right now, though, Piper is too ecstatic to care. She can't stop smiling, even if it earns her funny looks as she walks down the hallway. However she stops at once, and her smile fades when she spots Healy a few metres ahead. He hasn't spotted her, and is walking in the opposite direction –– soon, he's round the corner and gone. For some reason, Piper feels a new form of discomfort take her over.

To think she can sue that man. Make him pay.

Piper is about to follow him to his office, when someone pulls her back roughly, 'Holy _shit_, Chapman!' Gaping, wide eyed, and crazy-haired as ever, Nicky Nichols grabs Piper into an uncharacteristic hug. 'What the fuck are you doing _here_?!'

It's hard to not smile again. Piper couldn't be happier to see her old friend. 'Chicago. Then a psych ward. It was a lot of fun.'

Nicky stares at her. 'Fuck me. Shit, Chapman, I thought you had died or something. Last thing I heard you beat the crap out of Jesus' fucking apostle –– who, for the record, looks like something out of _The Walking Dead_. You beat her good, man. Didn't know you had it in you!'

Piper just smiles. There's more to say, but so little as well. Nicky pats her back hard, a little _too_ hard. 'Oof.'

'Glad you're back. It was getting boring over here.'

'I'm honestly glad to _be_ back.'

'Shit, the psych must have been hell, then.'

'You have no idea.'

Grasping her arm, Nicky pulls Piper a little out of the crowds and lowers her voice. 'So, man, I heard. About Vause. Is it true she fucked you over in Chicago? I know you two have a bit of a soap opera going on, but that's low, Chapman. Even for her.'

Piper smiles crookedly. 'Alex survives through thinking for herself. Upon thinking about it, I'm not surprised she used me in order to end her time here.' Talking about her is the last thing Piper wants, so quickly changes the subject. 'Looks like I'm not going to be in the deep end for long, though. The lawyer who got me out of the psych ward is going to try and shorten my time, too.'

'Oh crap.'

'... sorry. I didn't mean to brag or anything.'

'Fuck no!' Nicky grins. 'Who got you that lawyer then?'

'Larry, apparently.'

'The ex-fiancé?' She cringes. 'You don't think he's gonna propose again, do you? Kick him in the balls next time –– he's been a shit, so that'll show him.'

Piper wants to agree, she wants to follow Nicky's advice, but, something in the back of her mind tells her to give it another chance. Clearly, _surely_, Larry is willing to give their relationship another go. The feelings Piper has for him are still there, they never truly disappeared. The fact he went to such efforts to get her out –– well, if anything, it would be rude of Piper to refuse any form of communication with him.

Somehow, Nicky catches on. She raises her brows. 'Or you can suck them?'

'Eurgh, stop it,' Piper playfully pushes her.

She wouldn't go _that_ far, but she will try again with him. One more time.

**.**

**.**

**.**

It's past midnight when she receives the text. Alex rolls over onto her side, and flicks on the lamp, squinting at her phone. Unable to read her message, she grabs her glasses and shoves them on. The sender is unknown, but she knows who this is.

_Chapman is out. Bonus: her sentence may be cut short too. Smile.  
_– _K._

She stares at the text, at the initial, and a shiver shoots up her spine.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Piper doesn't know what surprises her more. The fact she has visitors the day after she's released from the psych ward, or that these visitors are her mother, Cal and Larry. A warmth floods her internally, and she comes forwards, unsure whether to smile, to speak, or to hug them. Fortunately, her brother saves her from this decision. He pulls her close into a backbreaking hug, 'Is it true they trap you in cages in the psych ward?' He whispers into her ear, however their mother hears.

'Don't ask her that! Piper is probably traumatised. Look, she's all pale.'

'I'm always pale,' Piper replies, though she has to admit, she's grateful her mother is willing to change the topic. After giving Larry a short glance, they all sit down at the small table. For a short while, none of them speak, and Piper begins to feel a little awkward. Drumming her fingers onto the surface, she decides to just face her brother, 'I'm glad you're here.'

'We've been worried sick,' Carol cuts through, 'It's awful how they treat you like an animal in here –– this place is just _not_ for you.'

'Prison's not necessarily for anyone else either,' Piper murmurs. 'But I'm okay now.' She smiles at her mother, but doesn't receive one in return. Trying to reassure her everything is fine is fruitless. From the very start, Carol has disagreed about her daughter being stuck here, let alone being thrown into a psych ward. Piper looks at Larry again. He's quiet, tense in his seat. He looks awkward. Out of place. 'Thank you –– for getting the lawyer. I know that must have been hard, considering...'

Larry clears his throat. 'Sure.' He stops talking, lowers his gaze.

'You've just been to hell and back, Pipes. How do you feel?' Cal asked.

'Born again.'

'I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly wouldn't mind staying in a psych ward for a day or two. Just to know what it's like. It's sort of a once in a lifetime experience, right?'

Piper watches him bluntly. 'No.'

'Oh.'

'How have things been?' Piper asks, turning to her mother. 'It's been some time since we last spoke.'

Carol swallows, sighs. 'Something has happened.' A pause. 'But we can't tell you.'

'What, why?'

'Well, we _can_ tell you...'

'It's just that we don't want you getting upset,' Cal finishes, cringing slightly.

Piper stares. Opens her mouth to speak. Closes it. Then, 'You have to tell me now. Come on, give me a clue.'

'Well––'

'Cal, no!'

'Is someone in trouble?'

'Not exactly,' Cal replies.

'Is someone having a problem?'

'_Yes_. In a way.'

'Someone close?'

Cal nods. 'Yes, yes. You're nearly there.'

'Family –– someone in our family is having a problem!'

Carol looks at her son in horror when he nods again, more enthusiasm this time. 'Don't give her any clues! This isn't fair on her.'

'She's so close, though. You can see the determination in her eyes. Pipes isn't letting this one go.' He looks at his sister. 'But define what you mean by "problem".'

'Cal!'

'Uhm, I–– sick? Someone's sick?'

'Yeah?'

'Dead! _Somebody's dead_!'

'No, not dead.'

'Dying?'

Cal points at her. 'Yes!'

'Who's dying? Uh, dad? No. Uhm, uh...'

'Come on, Pipes––'

'Grandma?'

'Yes!'

'Grandma's dying!' Both siblings grin in victory and high-five each other. Then, the revelation hits and Piper sinks into her seat, her smile disappearing. 'Grandma's dying...' Suddenly the world seems to narrow, and a bitterness makes her eyes sting with tears. She's been stuck in this horrible place for so long, and now her grandmother is _dying_? 'Oh no.'

Cal rubs the back of his head. The mood lowers phenomenally fast. Piper glances at Larry, who's watching her, and she looks away.

'It's not fair,' Piper whispers.

No one speaks for a while, until Carol decides to break the ice. 'It's bad, darling.' Her voice is soft. 'I don't think she's going to pull through this time.'

'Oh.'

'Piper,' her mother leans over and grasps her hand, squeezing tight. 'Can you come and see her one last time? Surely they'll let you have a day off at least.'

'I don't think they're big on day offs here,' Piper sighs.

'Ask for a furlough,' Larry says.

He's been quiet this whole time, hearing him speak catches all three Chapmans off guard. Piper shakes her head, 'That's just a myth. They don't give those out on a whim.'

'Try,' Larry says, smiling slightly.

After one last glance at her mother, Piper sighs again. She turns to Larry, nods. 'Okay. I'll try.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: We're finally getting somewhere with this story. Don't freak out over the lack of Vauseman, and the sudden appearance of Larry. Have faith in me, dear readers. I know what I'm doing. Thank you **phantomframe**, **garganta**, **[ Guest ]**, **Rain Addict CM**, **Chand3li3r**, **izzielg**, **bluepaintbox**, **alexsmdd**, **Trigger Fingers**, **[ lj ]**, **jacklavigne** and **[ so good ]** for reviewing the prior chapter. You're all amazing, thank you!

Concerning my AU story, _Behind Closed Doors_, I'm honestly so overwhelmed by the amount of feedback. I might post another chapter before I finish this story because I'm that grateful. So, if any of you are reading that story as well, then here's a treat.


	6. Tumbling Down, Down, Down

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White  
**6.**

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**.**

There is an unwelcome chill in his tiny office. Piper sits opposite his desk, and stares the man down. Despite appearances, she can be fierce, and Healy is about to witness just how fierce she can be. Not only did this _freak_ send her to isolation for the most inexcusable reasons, he also triggered her break up with Larry, didn't step in to save her life when Tiffany was pointing a knife at her, and even went as far as keeping Piper locked away in a psych ward. However, she's smart, and knows she can use all of this to her advantage. Just by looking at the man, she can tell he feels guilty, but he's only guilty because she got out.

If she wants, she can play sweet and kind. She can indirectly rub in his face what he has done to her, but Piper's patience is lacking. Plus, her grandmother's approaching death hangs above her head, and she's not willing to play _nice_ with anyone right now. Especially those who have done nothing good for her. Healy says nothing. He had reluctantly let her inside, but now he watches her closely, waiting. In a way, it's sad to witness him like this; when she first came here, Piper thought he was on her side, and that he would always be on her side. To discover what sort of man he truly is makes her stomach churn.

This place has fucked him up. He needs to retire. He needs to _breathe_.

'I want a furlough.'

Healy reacts at once. He raises his brows, and flinches. 'There's no such thing.'

'Bullshit.'

'We don't hand out furloughs here. You're all prisoners. You're stuck here for a damn good reason, so beat it.'

Piper doesn't move. 'My grandmother is dying––'

'Look, I can't––'

'––and my lawyer is encouraging me to sue you.'

A horrid quiet shudders between them. Healy glares at her, it's clear in his eyes how much he resents Piper, and she's sure if he squeezes harder on his pen it will snap. But she's not afraid. She's far from afraid. Fuck, she's been to hell and back. Facing a man like Healy is the least of her fears. 'I don't believe you.'

'Oh yeah?' Piper smiles charmingly. 'We can give him a call if you like. My lawyer gave me his number before I was sent back here; I remember it. You up for a little chat?'

His expression is blunt; no answer.

'I can also tell him about the time you walked away when Tiffany Doggett tried to kill me. He'll love to know about that one.' Healy stiffens. 'He's a good lawyer. So good, he might even strip you from your career. You'd be wise not to cross him.' She feels great, her voice is smooth, calm. Rarely does this cold side of her come out, but when it does, it's a sight to behold. 'Are you still up to giving me my furlough, or do you want to take the more difficult approach?'

'Are you blackmailing me, Chapman?'

'Yes.'

'You can't do that.'

'I just did,' Piper shrugs. 'If you let me see my grandmother, then I'll drop everything that's happened between us. I won't let my lawyer touch you.'

A heavy sigh. Healy leans back in his seat, and looks defeated. It's a wonderful sight, but Piper maintains her composure; she doesn't smile, doesn't frown, doesn't anything. She simply waits, because she knows she's won. He doesn't have a choice and it's incredibly satisfying to watch him struggle. Then he looks away, shakes his head in frustration. 'Fine. Three days only. You can tell your grandmother how sorry you are for turning into such a waste in our society. Now get the fuck out of my office.'

Despite his cruel insult, Piper feels a rush of glee. She's getting out. _She's getting out_. Even if it's only for three days, she's getting out. Heart racing, she stands to her feet, 'Thank you. I'm really glad we managed to settle things between us.' The sarcasm is heavy, as is her sweet smile, and he watches her darkly while she approaches the door and leaves.

The moment she does, she feels a tug on her sleeve, and turns. Nicky has been waiting for her outside, 'So, what did that sack of shit say?'

'I got the furlough.'

Nicky stops walking. 'No way.'

Pausing to look at her friend, Piper shrugs. 'Must have been my irresistible charm.'

She's shocked to discover Nicky is frozen in place. The crazy-haired woman gapes at her, and there's a mix of envy and happiness in her eyes. Then she laughs, 'Holy Shit. Chapman, I'm glad for you and all, but the other inmates are going to want to screw you to the ground. You'll be the most hated bitch for the next few months. Ha, congratulations!' The warning isn't enough to dampen Piper's mood, but she suddenly feels a sense of dread forming within her. 'Hey, don't let them get to you, all right? Fuck, you deserve a break after all you've been through anyway, Chapman.'

Even if her friend had comforted her, Piper still feels on edge. For the past few months, she has got on well with her fellow inmates –– or, most of them. To ruin all of that over a furlough is upsetting. Not to mention dangerous. Despite being stuck behind bars, the women in this prison can still be violent, if not deadly. Piper has already been victim to a knife and psychotic woman. To be victim to more than _twenty_ psychotic woman will surely be the death of her. Fists clenched, Piper becomes more aware of the whispers and movements around her. She knows this furlough won't strengthen the relationship she has with the inmates, but for the sake of her grandmother it's worth it.

The next few days are slow, and word about her legendary furlough spreads around quick. It becomes apparent she's no longer a favourite when she discovers a dead rat hiding under her pillow. The next sign is the mysterious disappearance of her mattress. Unfortunately, the CO on duty is the least bit helpful. From that point on, Piper has to suffer sleeping on the hard floor, and things take a crucial turn when several women refuse to give her access to the showers.

Fighting them is pointless. They're taller, larger women, and she can tell by the looks on their faces that they'll smash her jaw and break her bones if she takes a step closer. It's when she's appointed to her cube in the ghetto and given grey scrubs when things get worse. Piper is fortunate to be sharing her cube with Nicky, but that doesn't stop the ongoing abuse.

She returns from the lavatory and discovers her few remaining books are in shreds, the ripped pieces of paper scattered across her bed. Then there's whispers. Chatter. And even rude name-calling. Inmates avoid her like the plague. Fortunately, Piper has Nicky, Lorna and Red to keep her company from time to time, but even the chefs' authority doesn't stop the inmates from attacking Piper during her last lunch with them. Her back is turned and she's fiddling with her pudding, listening to Nicky rant on about something, when a disgusting, moist pie slaps her from behind.

The entire mess hall goes quiet.

Slowly, Piper peers over her shoulder, mouth agape in horror. On the table behind are several black women, one of them being Crazy Eyes who's grinning in a twisted, bitter manner. It's clear what the problem is. Although Piper's furlough is a gift from heaven, it's a gift no minority race is able to receive. Unfortunately, the women currently glaring at her are a part of this minority race. They _hate_ her because she's white and that being white gives her more access to her rights as a prisoner. Their hate is justified, their hate is perfectly reasonable, and, really, Piper should let them bully her.

But, fuck, she's done. She's had enough. She was nearly killed at Christmas, was fucked about by her ex-girlfriend, dumped by her fiancé, sent to a goddamn psych ward, and now _this_? Piper stands to her feet, and her voice is loud, dominant, echoing the tiny eating area she and the women share. 'Yes, I am white. We have established that. And I got furlough too. I guess white privilege wins again. And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry you guys got the raw deal. But I love my fucking grandmother. And yeah, she may be a whitey too, but she's a fucking person and she's sick. And she needs me. So shut the fuck up.'

Satisfaction. The hall is silent. For a foolish moment, Piper believes she's won, until more prison food is chucked at her. This time, it lands straight in her face. Some of the inmates gasp in horror, whereas others snicker into their lunches. Piper is speechless. Roughly, she wipes away the food with her sleeve. Okay. Okay. That was _stupid_; her pathetic speech was _stupid. _She deserves that. Piper knows she should sit down, shut up, and act invisible, but she barely gets the chance to do so. A second later, more food is thrown at her, then more––

'Oi, fuck off!' Nicky yells, grabbing her pudding and throwing it at the table opposite.

It lands in Taystee's hair.

Piper widens her eyes. Now she's scared.

The war is _on_.

Seconds later, each inmate is a part of this ridiculous food fight. Piper only has to be struck in the face again, before she's grabbing her own meal, standing on top of the table and throwing her grub at every one of her offenders. Even though standing on a table gives her the best shot, it also makes her the perfect target. 'Fuck me.' Piper is swarmed with food, and her scrubs are soon coated in a mix of mashed potato, gravy, pie and chocolate pudding. Finally two COs are on the scene.

'Inmates!' They scream together, and, at once, the prisoners sit back down in their seats.

There's a lot of sniggering when Piper slumps down into hers as well. Nicky swallows, biting down on her lower lip in an attempt to not burst out laughing. Lorna, on the other hand, looks sympathetic, if not a little concerned. Piper closes her eyes. _Fuck_. She expects punishment for this, but when she looks up at Bennett to see if he'll give her a good yelling, he remains put. He's distracted by another inmate. Nicky leans forwards, smiling crookedly.

'You okay there, Chapman?'

Piper looks at her bluntly. 'I have no food left. But I feel _peachy_.'

'Here,' Nicky slides over her pudding. 'Eat it this time.'

**.**

**.**

**.**

The following morning, Piper is escorted out by Bell and O'Neill in a hurry. After a speedy strip search, and being given civilian clothes to wear –– jeans, t-shirt and hoody –– O'Neill lets her through the first prison gates and out into the open air. She listens to him as he lists the regulations. In short, she's not allowed to drink, take drugs, or anything that so much as implies _fun_. 'Looks like you've got some hippy picking you up.' It's no hippy, even if his van might as well be owned by one. Piper isn't sure which makes her happier: the fresh air, the freedom, or the sight of her brother. She rushes over, grinning ear-to-ear, and they pull each other into a tight embrace; she can't remember the last time she's been able to hold him like this.

'I know the circumstances make this inappropriate, but I'm so fucking glad to be out of there!'

'You already look better,' Cal comments.

Together, they step into the car, fasten their seat belts, and her brother starts the ignition. While he drives onwards, the excitement Piper endures starts to dwindle somewhat. She turns to look at him, 'How is she?'

'Not good.' He shakes his head. 'I–– You know, I honestly think you'll catch her just in time before she goes. She's barely conscious as it is.'

Her heart tugs. Piper looks away. 'Fucking Hell,' she whispers under her breath.

'Don't feel bad.' It's as if her brother has read her mind. 'It's not your fault you weren't able to see her sooner.'

'That's the thing,' Piper says. 'It _is_ my fault. I was the one who got myself into this crap in the first place.'

Cal wants to deny that, but he knows whatever he says won't sound convincing. Instead, he sits in silence for a couple of minutes. Familiar houses pass by, familiar roads and shops. Piper sighs, gazing out of the window. She's so happy Lichfield prison is behind her –– for now, at least. Happy to be away from the inmates who were so desperate to murder her in her sleep. It's such a relief it makes her shiver. When Cal drives them towards a road she knows all too well, Piper whips her head around to look at him.

'I forgot I used to live with Larry.'

There's a beat. 'I'd let you stay in my van, but––'

'You know, I'd rather sleep in the house I share with my ex. Who _hates_ me.'

Turning into the road, Cal snorts. 'He doesn't _hate_ you, Pipes. He just feels... conflicted.'

'Right.'

'Just talk to him. You two worked well together; you can sort this stuff out, right?'

Piper doesn't respond. She doesn't know. Already she begins to feel nervous. Cal parks the car in the driveway. Running through her mind what she's going to say, Piper follows her brother towards the door and he knocks once. Immediately there's an answer. Although she saw him a couple of days ago, Piper's heart skips a beat when she sees her ex again.

He looks the same. She doesn't know why this shocks her, but he looks the same. Larry smiles at Cal, which quickly fades when he meets Piper's gaze. He nods once, and steps aside, letting the two in. Piper is quiet, slightly awkward as she enters, but the familiarity of her home makes her smile. Instantly she heads for the sofa, and collapses onto it, causing her brother to laugh. 'Missed it that much, did you?'

'Oh my _God_, I can die now,' Piper gasps, closing her eyes, and snuggling into a cushion.

The house smells of Larry. It's a scent she's grown used to, it's a scent she likes. Yet there's an essence of coldness in the air. Piper sits upright, and spots Larry leaning against the wall, watching her. 'You're allowed to speak, you know?' She says.

'How was the journey?'

'Fine,' she shrugs.

Cal inhales sharply. 'Well, I'd best be off. I'll come back later to pick you up so we can go to the hospital.' With that, her brother waves and leaves the building. Silence flutters between Larry and Piper, and, for a moment, she think he's going to up and leave.

To her surprise, he stays. 'Are you all right?'

'Yeah.' Piper tries to smile.

'You want a drink? Food?'

'No. I'm––' Piper raises a brow. 'Actually, I'd _love_ some food. Real food.'

He smiles shortly. 'Okay. You know where the fridge is. Get what you want.'

When she heads for the kitchen, she's comforted to discover he follows her in. Opening the fridge door, Piper's mouth instantly waters when she sees what's on offer. At once she snatches the Nutella, takes a teaspoon and dips it into the spread, before shoving it into her mouth. A moan escapes her lips, 'Oh fuck. Do you know how long it's been since I tasted something this good?'

Larry chuckles. 'Enjoy it while it lasts.'

Despite his humour, there's a hint of resentment in his tone. Piper swallows her Nutella and watches him. 'You clearly want to say something to me, so spit it out.'

'There's nothing I want to say to you,' Larry shoves a hand into his pocket. 'It's just–– I'm not _used_ to seeing you, you know––'

'In the real world?' She scoffs. 'I don't know why, but I was hoping you'd be... _happier _to see me.'

Larry's shoulders slump. 'Pipes––'

'Forget it.' She places the Nutella jar down, along with the spoon. 'You think I'm a cheating, lesbian whore so I don't know what the fuck I was expecting––'

'I _am_ happy to see you!'

She stops short, stares at him.

'Of _course_ I'm happy to see you,' Larry stresses, stepping closer. 'I just–– I'm just scared that whatever I say will only cause more tension between us. I want this to work, Pipes, I do. I'm sorry.' He runs a hand through his short hair, shrugs. 'I'm fucking sorry.'

Relief washes through her, and she feels a wave of warmth too. But she doesn't quite know how to smile. Despite his confession, there's still a jarring uneasiness between them. It's a horrible sensation she's desperate to remedy, and in some foolish attempt to break the ice, Piper comes closer and kisses him lightly on the lips. Larry flinches, stares at her wide eyed.

Then his expression softens. He leans forwards, initiates their next kiss. At first, she's excited, shuddering, but the feeling quickly evaporates when she feels the familiar touch of his tongue on her lips, in her mouth, his hands at her hips, pulling at her jacket. It's so familiar, so nice, but something is missing. Piper grabs the scruff of his collar and deepens the buss, trying to feel that thrill she always did whenever they kissed, but it's not there. Larry cranes his neck to the side, beginning to kiss her with a newfound urgency, and as much as she wants to take this further, Piper can't.

What upsets her so much is that she feels _nothing_.

Piper pulls away. 'Oh.'

'Oh?' Larry repeats, breathless. 'Come on. I think we should take this upstairs.'

'No.'

'... No?' Larry frowns, 'Piper, what's wrong? It's been so long since we–– _you know_. Fuck, I've missed you.' He's smiling, and this time his smile is genuine, honest. But she realises there's a lack of excitement in his eyes too; as if something heavy is hanging on his shoulders and he can't shake it off.

Piper steps back. 'How were you able to get me that lawyer?'

Blinking rapidly, Larry narrows his brows at her. 'Wait, what?'

'The lawyer. How did you find him? I mean, it's not like you to choose another lawyer over your father.' In order to encourage him, Piper smiles, but even she knows her smile lacks sincerity.

Already the tension rises. Larry looks insulted, upset. 'By chance. I met him in a bar.'

'Really?'

'Piper, what's going on?'

'I don't know.' She exhales shakily. 'I just know he must have been expensive, and I also know you're not doing so good when it comes to–– taking in the cash.'

'Just because he's good at his job, that doesn't mean he wants a lot of money.'

It's a poor argument. She wants to sympathise with him, but the fact he's obviously lying gets on her nerves. 'How did you know I was stuck in a psych ward?'

'What the fuck is going on, Piper?'

'Don't get defensive on me! I need to know––'

'_Why_?' Larry exclaims. Now, he's pissed off as well. 'Why do you need to know? It doesn't matter!'

'So you _didn't_ get the lawyer?'

Larry sighs heavily. 'Fuck it. No, I didn't.' He growls in frustration. 'I didn't even know you were stuck in psych ward until Alex told me! If I had found out sooner, though, I would have got you out in a heartbeat––'

'Alex?' Piper's voice cracks.

There's a long pause. Larry rolls his eyes. 'Alex Vause came to see me the other day. She told me you were in a psych ward, and––' He sighs. '––She got you the lawyer, Piper.'

And even if Piper can barely breathe, even if she's so shocked she can't move, she knew. She knew, really, that only one person would be able to get her such a fantastic lawyer without trying. But in her desperation to remove Alex from her life, she believed in Larry. She _wanted_ to believe Larry got her the lawyer, that Larry somehow discovered she was stuck in psych and needed help. She wanted to believe he would come to her rescue without her having to ask him.

Tears sting her eyes, and she looks away from Larry. She doesn't want him to see her cry. Her heart pounds against her ribcage, and her body trembles. Hot tears trickle down her cheeks, and she wishes this isn't happening. 'That fucking bitch.'

Larry stands. He exhales. 'Why are you crying?'

'I don't know.' Piper wipes her wet cheeks with her sleeve. She sniffs. 'I don't know.'

He doesn't reply, but Piper doesn't expect him to. She's still trembling, but, fortunately, she isn't crying anymore. What the fuck is Alex doing? How dare she fuck her over, and then get her a lawyer to not only release her from a psych ward, but to also shorten her sentence? It makes no sense. That fucking bitch. That fucking stupid, reckless, horrible, wonderful, amazing, beautiful fucking _bitch_. Piper inhales slowly. Alex got her the lawyer, Alex cared, Alex cared about the phone call, _she still cares_. Even after everything, she still gives a shit about Piper, and Piper's heart flutters.

A smile tugs at her lips. Alex still cares about her.

Alex Vause still _cares_.

Then, she's laughing. Larry frowns at her, perplexed.

'I can't believe this is happening,' Piper looks at him, tears in her eyes, but these are ones filled with humour. 'Alex got me a lawyer, and told you to say you got him instead. Hahaha!' She doesn't care if Larry is looking at her oddly; she doesn't care. 'How fucking insecure can you _get_?' She knows Alex has a lot of pride, but she had no idea Alex possessed so much until today. 'What's fucking hilarious is that you played along with her. That's rich. That's fucking perfect!'

'You think I had a choice in the matter? Alex wanted nothing to do with you. That's why she told me!'

Piper is still laughing. 'I can't believe she thought it would pull through! What the fuck?' Wiping away a few tears, Piper manages to calm down. Her cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much, but soon, she comes to her senses. It finally hits her just what has been revealed; just what is happening, and her expression loosens. Piper steps back, leans against the counter.

The clock ticks.

Larry doesn't look amused in the slightest. 'You told her.'

'What?'

'That you were in a psych ward. You could have told anyone, and you decided to tell her.'

Piper snorts. 'Guess it's just as well I did.'

'I'm not fucking kidding around here! Why didn't you tell _me_?' Instantly, he regrets his words. Larry swears loudly, slams his palm against a cupboard. Silence again. Piper finds nothing about this situation funny anymore. 'You love her. Don't you?' He meets her gaze. 'You _still_ love her, even after every shitty thing she's done to you. What the hell's your problem, Piper? She's a drug dealer.'

'_Was_.'

'And now you're defending her?'

'No! Just stating the facts.'

'Okay. Well, the fact is that she didn't make you happy, Piper. You told me yourself. She was a phase, a mistake in your life. She wasn't any good for you––'

'You don't know what my life was like when I was with Alex! Stop assuming so much!'

'I'm only repeating what you told me––'

'Alex was not a phase!'

'That doesn't mean what you both had was right––'

'And she _wasn't a mistake_!'

Just like that, Larry stops. He closes his mouth, steps back, and looks at her as if she has just crawled out of the gutter. Piper is breathing heavily, cheeks flushed with anger, and she turns her back to him. Neither speak, neither say a word. There's nothing more to say. Her body aches when she hears Larry swivel around on his heel and leave the kitchen. The front door opens, slams shut.

She is alone. The house is to herself.

Suddenly a sob breaks from her, and she quickly covers her mouth with her hand. She hates herself; she's disgusting and awful. A horrible person. She hates herself for what she's done to Larry, how much she's hurt him, and she hates herself because, yes, she still loves Alex. And, now, Piper has never loved her more. Her love for her is so empowering, so intense, she can barely breathe; she's stunned, paralysed. Alex is suddenly everything, all she can see, and all she wants.

When she hears the landline ring, Piper jumps in surprise. She hesitates. Her balance is wobbly when she approaches the phone and presses it to her ear. 'Hello?'

'_Hey_.'

'Cal?'

'_Yeah..._'

Piper grips the phone tighter. 'What is it?'

'_You all right? You sound shaky_.'

'I'm fine. The connection must be bad.' Piper holds her breath. 'What is it, Cal?'

She hears her brother sigh. '_It's about grandma_.'

'Can you not pick me up later or something?'

'_Pipes, she's dead. She died a few minutes ago –– she was sleeping, though. She wasn't in any pain_.'

The tears return, and Piper makes no effort to stop them from falling. She scrunches her eyes closed, slowly slumps down onto the ground.

'_Piper?_'

'Okay. Thanks for telling me––'

'_Hey, you want me to come over?_'

'No.' Piper rubs her eyes. 'You know, I... I think I want to be alone for a while.'

'_All right. Ring me when you're feeling okay to talk._'

'I will.' Piper lets the phone rest against her ear for a moment, before hanging up.

Lowering her face into her hands, Piper finally lets herself go. All the agony and frustration and anger and hatred and love she's bottled away for so long releases; the more she cries, the more relief she feels. It's about time, she realises. It's about time she cried.

**.**

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When she reaches the end of her novel, Alex places it aside and stares at the wall. She knows the story backwards, but loves the plot so much she can't get enough of it. However, she turns her attention to the book she bought today at a charity shop. She's heard a lot of positive feedback about this novel, and realises she's quite late to jump into the story, but being stuck in prison has made her sheltered from the latest novel hypes. _The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo_ is begging to be read.

Just as she's about to crack it open, there's a knock at her door. Alex stiffens.

Everything stills when she hears the lock being forced open. Quietly, Alex drops her book to the side, and slips off the settee. Her gun has been sitting beside her this whole time, and she raises it towards the door. Heart in her mouth, shoulders tense, Alex waits. Her breathing accelerates, and she waits, waits, waits for the lock to turn completely––

'Fuck!'

Alex nearly screams. And she's glad she doesn't. Her landlord stares at the gun in her shaking hand in horror, but before he can let a word out she yells at him, 'What... the _fuck_?!' Alex runs a hand through her hair, easing herself. 'Can I help you?'

He steps back. 'I didn't know you were in––'

'No shit! Get the hell out!'

'I came to check on your electricity. I've been getting complaints!'

'Fuck, dude, if I had a problem with the fucking electricity, I'd tell you!' Alex is red in the face, so pissed off at this moron she'll happily boot him out. 'Leave. Good God. _Leave_.'

'Sorry,' her landlord mumbles, and awkwardly steps out, closing the door behind him.

Fuming, Alex swears at the ceiling, and returns to the settee. The sooner she's allowed to get out of this dump, the better. Snatching her novel, Alex drops down onto the settee, and gradually begins to calm. The moment she tries to open her book again, though, there's another knock. This one is lighter, hesitant, and she shakes with anger. Throwing her book aside this time, Alex storms for the door.

'Look, you son of a bitch––' She stops short.

The clothes don't suit her. She's not wearing makeup, and her eyes are puffy from crying, cheeks flushed, and she looks exhausted. Beaten. Bruised. She looks close to giving in, she looks desperate, unhappy, sad, ruined, depressed, _broken_.

Piper has never looked more beautiful to Alex.

Never more perfect, never more lovelier.

And when Piper bursts into tears at the sight of her, Alex loses her breath. She's still. For a second, she's immobile, unable to move. Piper can barely hold herself. She doesn't know why she's here, she doesn't know why she's come here, she doesn't know anything.

Gently, lovingly, Alex pulls Piper close. The blonde presses a hand to her chest, and she's trembling when Alex holds her, wrapping her arms around her waist, and not letting go.

Tears stain Alex's top, she runs a hand through Piper's hair, can hear her sobs. She's quieter, she's beginning to calm down; she's starting to feel better. But barely.

'Come on,' she whispers.

Holding Piper's hand, Alex invites her into the empty warmth of her home.

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**author's note**: Yeah, I know. Fucking finally, right? Thank you **garganta**, **Chand3li3r**, **Rain Addict CM**, **[ lj ]**, **bluepaintbox**, **jacklavigne**, **izzielg**, **[ X ]**, the two **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **It's Just Apple Pie** and **Kuchiki Everlark** for your amazing reviews. I know I said before my posts might be delayed because of work but, fuck that, this story comes first.


	7. Walking Backwards

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White  
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The blanket smells like Alex. It's warm, cosy, and Piper feels safe with it wrapped around her body. From where she sits on the settee, she watches Alex prepare her a warm drink, and the atmosphere is calm. Piper has never felt so content, so at ease; even though Alex's apartment is far from grand, Piper loves it here. Here, with Alex, she feels at home.

Here, with Alex, she _is_ home.

Several novels are scattered across the wooden table before her. A used mug, a couple of tissues, a newspaper. Piper sighs. There are mug stains on the wood. This makes her smile a little. When she was with Alex, she used to get so irritated by the mug stains Alex made on the tables. As far as tidiness is concerned, Alex can't care less. She makes Piper look neurotic. Yet even though it drove Piper nuts, it came to the point where she couldn't cope seeing a table without mug stains.

It just reminds Piper how long Alex and she _were_ a couple. A longer period than she was with Larry, certainly. Alex and Piper –– they knew (they _know_) each other terribly well. Communication through words became unnecessary sometimes. Just by a simple look, they knew what the other was feeling. And this hasn't changed. Even at the prison, Alex was able to pick up on the subtle signs, and it amazes Piper how they can still read each other, despite the amount of time they spent away from one another.

Watching Alex act domestic in her own apartment is comforting, if not a little bizarre. Alex isn't the domestic type, after all. Piper straightens when Alex returns, passing Piper her mug. 'You still like hot chocolate, right? With a lot of milk, and a little sugar.'

'You remembered.' Piper takes a sip, and the taste is heavenly. 'You _did_ remember,' she gasps, smiling.

Alex grins crookedly. 'You shouldn't underestimate my memory so much, Pipes. It's insulting, and you only end up embarrassing yourself.'

'Sorry, I just–– I guess I found it easier to believe you didn't know me anymore. It was easier to get away from you that way.' Piper lowers her gaze, expecting Alex's smile to fall. However, the other female sits beside her, and she's not angry.

In fact, she's more neutral than anything. 'If it makes you feel better, I found it better if I just pretended you never existed.'

'Oh.' Piper chuckles. 'How did that go for you?'

'Not well,' Alex's smile broadens.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and it's a nice quiet. It's not awkward, and it's not filled with a horrible tension. Piper doesn't feel pressured to speak; she doesn't feel pressured at all. It reminds her how she used to lie beside Alex while she read; and she always enjoyed the silence, the sensation of Alex's fingers idly running through her hair as she breezed past each page. It was a dream.

However, the calm doesn't last forever. 'Why are you here?'

Piper holds her mug between her palms. She exhales, because she knows they'll argue, and she really, _really_ doesn't want to argue. What happened with Larry has upset her deeply. To do the same with Alex –– she nearly winces. 'My grandma died.'

'Furlough.' Alex raises a brow. 'Good for you.'

'Is it? I was meant to see her alive. She died before I got the chance to see her.' Piper stiffens. Tears sting her eyes. 'My brother told me over the phone, and I––' She inhales deeply. Swallows. '––I know I'm the last person you want to see, Alex, but I didn't know what to do.'

Nothing. Piper looks at her anxiously.

Alex isn't watching her. She gazes at the table absently, and Piper can't tell what she's thinking. In an instant, she feels guilty, awful. She can't help but think back to the time she abandoned Alex when her mother died. How outrageous it is of her to come running into Alex's arms when her own relative passes away. How selfish. Greedy. How can Piper disrespect Alex's feelings so much? How can she be so cruel?

Now, Piper doesn't start crying because of her grandmother. Tears trickle down her cheeks. Watching Alex breaks her heart, and she's terrified Alex will leave. 'Please say something to me.' Her voice cracks, and she scrunches her eyes shut, turns away when Alex doesn't move. Piper wants to tell her the truth, how she feels, how she's willing to try again, how _stupid_ she is because she still loves her.

But she can't. The wounds Alex gave her all those years ago continue to linger; they're faded scars, but they are still there. Eating her away. Her mind is screaming at her to drop the blanket around her shoulders, and escape the apartment. Yet Piper has always been childish when it comes to love. Always. No matter what rational thoughts prod at her mind, she knows she'll stay, unless Alex kicks her out.

That won't happen. Alex may be twisted and selfish, but she doesn't do the abandoning. That's Piper's talent.

A tear drops into her drink, and she roughly wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve. As much as she tries to hide the fact she's crying, the tears keep on pouring. She can't stop. With Alex, Piper can't _breathe_. She can't think, she can't cope. Without Alex, though, Piper is an empty shell; life is hollow, worthless. Without Alex, Piper will shatter.

Finally, she's able to look at her. Just one glance. Piper's heart stops when she realises Alex is no longer watching the table, but her. Alex is silent, and her eyes follow Piper's tears, focus on her face; she studies her like a novel, like a painting. Recognising each tiny emotion hidden away in Piper's torn expression. Piper hates to be watched this way, and she hates Alex's silence, her neutrality about the situation.

Piper shudders in Alex's blanket. Trembles, clings to the fabric, inhales her scent and sobs quietly.

It's not humiliating. Piper doesn't care how weak and pathetic she appears. She's done masking her emotions. She's _exhausted_. And she's finished with the lies, the manipulations and deceptions. This is a clean slate. This is _Piper_, who she was before Alex entered her life. A sweet, hardworking, albeit unfortunate girl, searching for work with a flimsy degree from Smiths. She feels relief to crawl back to this level. It's the first time she's felt alive in _years_. The first time she's felt _real_.

Piper turns away. Agony sours through her body, and she shreds apart inside. 'I need you.' A whisper. So faint.

And she gasps when Alex pulls her close. Her arms are strong, a little aggressive. Alex presses Piper against her, encouraging the slightly younger woman to lean on her shoulder. Piper doesn't waste a second, but being held, being held by her, only triggers more tears. Suddenly a cry breaks from her lips, and she clings to Alex's top, scrunching her eyes closed; she lets go, pushes down the walls, and _lets go_.

'Why did you do it?' Alex's voice is no louder than hers. It takes Piper a moment to realise she's trembling too, but she can't see her face. Piper holds her tighter. 'Why didn't you choose me?'

She can't control herself, and Piper can barely breathe at Alex's question. Her eyes are sore from crying; her body aches. 'I'm so sorry.' Piper jars her teeth. 'Alex...' She trembles, cries, '... I'm sorry.' She's a mess, a wreck; so abused and worn down. Piper has nothing left to fight with. 'I'm sorry.' She surrenders. Forfeits.

Throws in her cards, walks away.

Piper isn't just sorry for choosing Larry. She's sorry for deserting Alex when she needed her most, she's sorry for breaking Alex's heart, she's sorry for making love to her in the chapel, she's sorry for turning her away, she's sorry for making Alex hate her so much she named her, and she's sorry Alex felt the vengeful desire to use her in Chicago. She's sorry. And she will beg, _beg_ for Alex to forgive her.

'––How can I love you, when you just keep pushing me away?'

Like that, Alex's arms slip away from her. Piper can only stare in horror as Alex pries Piper's hands off her jacket and stands to her feet. She doesn't leave. But she needs room. She takes several steps from the settee, back turned; Alex is playing the coward, and she knows it. She can't look at Piper; hearing her voice is torture.

To witness her tears is excruciating.

'We can't––' Alex shoves a hand in her pocket, the other in her hair; she runs it down her face. '––It'll just–– I––' Rarely, if ever, is Alex silenced. She always has a comeback, always knows how to regain ground. She's brilliant at speaking, at twisting her words. But, right now, she doesn't know what to do; doesn't know what to say. She stutters. She can barely recognise her weak, fragile voice. '––I don't want to.'

It sounds silly. Something a child would say.

'I don't want to hurt you anymore.' Alex focusses her attention on her closed curtains. 'And whenever I get too close to you, I keep getting hurt myself.' She pauses. 'Look how fucked up we are.'

'Did you hate me? Is that why you used me in Chicago? Did you hate me?'

'Piper.' Alex looks at her. Piper's breath catches in her throat. She never likes it when Alex cried –– and that is so rare. The tears swimming in her eyes makes Piper stiffen. She stares, shivering. '––I can never hate you.' It's a harsh confession, a confession which stabs Piper right through the chest. 'I _can't_ hate you.'

'So, why would you betray me?' She whispers, another tear falling.

'Because I–– I thought you would tell the truth.' Alex sighs, 'I didn't–– I kept telling myself you didn't trust me. I expected you to tell the truth because I thought you didn't trust me. But you _did_ tell the truth; you _did_ trust me––'

'Of course!' Piper winces. 'I loved you. How could I––?' She stops. Breathes. 'I _still_ love you.'

'You shouldn't.' Alex tries to keep her mask on, but it slips away effortlessly. Unlike Piper, she wipes away the tears before they reach her cheeks. 'I _wish_ you didn't.'

'I do.'

'Why?'

Piper eases. The tension in her muscles relaxes. She softens her expression when Alex neglects to hide a tear. It drips off her chin, and Alex watches her helplessly. She's been so alone. Since Piper deserted her in Paris, Alex has been lonely –– her mother was, really, all she had. And Piper left her, without looking back.

She just _left_.

'Because––' Piper smiles faintly. '––you––' Her voice is shaking, _trying_. '––you're all I see. You're all I think about. You're all I want. You–– _you_ are so wonderful, and so good. You're pretty fucked up, but I–– that's what makes you _you_, and I––' She frowns. 'Fuck, Alex, how can I answer that? You're _everything_ to me. You're who I want to go to bed with, you're who I want to wake up with, and you're what I–– _who_ I want to come home to.'

'Jesus. You sound like a character from a sappy romance novel.'

'It's the truth! Ever since you came back into my life, I–– I haven't–– Ever since you came back, I've felt this horrible, _horrible_ happiness that I can't decipher. I don't feel _right_ without you, I–– God, I sound awful.'

'You're telling me.'

'Please, just... understand. Please tell me you feel the same way.' Piper swallows. 'If you don't––' Her voice cracks, tears threaten to pour. '––If you don't, then I'll go. I'll go, and I'll leave you alone, Alex. I won't come near you again. I promise.'

'Piper––'

'Just tell me the truth. I need to know.'

Honesty. That's all she wants. Alex softens her expression. 'I love you, too.'

It's enough. Piper is shivering again.

'I always have.'

Finally. Finally Piper can decide. She smiles, laughs breathily, shudders. Finally things make sense; her life, what she wants, has never been clearer. Everything comes together. Connects, like a puzzle. Each piece has been found and she can finally picture what she wants.

'Okay.'

It has exhausted her. The fatigue hits.

'Okay.'

Piper sighs.

'Alex?'

'Yeah?'

'Can I stay here for the night?'

'... All right.'

She hears Alex step forwards. Piper finds her feet, the blanket falls from her shoulders. She moves, and Alex holds her hand, guiding her towards her bedroom. It's warm, smells of her –– like the blanket. The bed is small. Room for one person, but Piper knows Alex will take the settee. Her vision is blurred when Alex releases her hand.

The sheet is light over her body. When Piper's head meets the pillow, she loses consciousness instantly. It's the first time she's felt so safe, so protected; so free. Alex turns off the light, leaves the bedroom and closes the door. She glances at the time: past midnight. She's not tired, though; she won't sleep. Alex rests against the door, waits.

After a moment, she approaches the sofa and grabs her novel. The flat is silent, so quiet and peaceful. Alex reads. It's a good distraction. She reads, reads, and reads. Loses herself in a fantasy. The words deceive her. Let her live another life.

The time goes unnoticed until she sees Piper in her bedroom doorway.

She's slept for a while. But now she's awake. They watch each other, and then Piper smiles softly.

'Come to bed?'

'I won't fit on there with you.'

'We'll squeeze together.' Piper isn't up for a debate. She turns around and heads back inside.

Alex refrains from rolling her eyes. She drops her book. Follows Piper in. Closes the door after herself, crawls under the sheet with her. It's cosy, snug, but not much room. Piper, however, doesn't waste a second to snuggle close, and Alex has no choice but to wrap her arms around the other woman. Their chests press together, and their noses brush; Alex can feel Piper's gentle exhales, and her eyes droop.

For a moment, Piper's eyes are closed. Alex thinks she's asleep, until she opens them again. There's a flicker of realisation, then contentment, and a glimmer of joy. Piper blinks, and her hand reaches over to remove Alex's glasses. They slide off easily. Alex watches while she folds the frames, places them aside, her eyes never leaving hers.

She whispers. Soft. 'You look better without them.'

'I kind of need them to see.'

'That's true.' Alex stiffens when Piper's fingertips gently graze over a small gash on her cheek. 'You're hurt.' She frowns, focussing on another wound. 'Who did this to you?'

Alex wants to move away. She fidgets, but Piper pulls at her jacket.

'Tell me. Why are you hurt?'

'There was an incident a few days ago.'

'What happened?'

'Kubra's men paid a little visit.'

'Alex,' Piper widens her eyes. 'Oh God...'

'It's okay. They're gone now. They're not coming back.'

'They hurt you?'

'It's okay.'

'They _hurt_ you?' Piper's lower lip trembles. 'Why?'

'Piper, shh.' Alex knows she's just overtired; she's too emotional. So much has happened. She wipes away a tear with her thumb. 'I'm still kicking. They didn't hurt me that much, anyway.'

'Alex, what if they come back? What if they do more than beat you up?'

'They won't, and I didn't get beat up, kid. I'm not a pussy.'

Piper snorts. 'Right.' The humour doesn't last long. The tears come back, and they're not welcomed. 'I love you, Alex.'

'I know.'

'––and I need you to _stop_. I need you to stop getting involved with these people. _Please_.'

'I––' Alex glances away. 'I know.'

'You sent me the lawyer.'

Alex widens her eyes slightly. 'What?'

'The one you told Larry to lie to me about. You sent him to get me out of psych. And I know the only way you can contact someone with such skill is through––' Piper inhales. 'Alex, please, _please_, tell me you haven't gone back to Kubra; you're not working for him, are you?'

No response.

Piper knows though. 'How could you?'

'I didn't have a choice,' Alex is evidently annoyed now. Piper clings to her jacket tighter, refusing to let her move.

'You didn't?'

'I had to get you out someway.'

'But––'

'Fucking Hell, Piper.' Alex resists. Piper's hold on her is strong, though. 'I'm _fine_. I'll be fine. I've always been fine. It shouldn't matter to you anyway. It honestly shouldn't, especially after––'

'Have you _listened_?' Suddenly Piper lets her go, sits upright. Alex follows, confused. 'Have you _listened_ to anything I said? I _love_ you! And when you love someone, Alex, you fucking _care_ for them. Knowing that that man could kill you if he wanted–– I'm terrified!'

Then Alex's expression softens. She smiles. 'Piper. I'm fine. Really. Even if he does try anything, I'll be fine.'

Piper nods, and her expression is heavy with sarcasm. 'What about me?'

Alex frowns.

'You might _cope_ with what that bastard throws at you, but that doesn't mean I will! It's one of the reasons I left you, Alex! I couldn't handle the thought of losing you–– I couldn't handle the idea that he could hurt you, kill you if he wanted. Knowing he's doing that already scares me so fucking much–– Please, _please_, stop working for him. _Please_.'

She's begging. She's begging relentlessly, hands clasped together, and Alex is mortified.

'_Please_, Alex –– _please_––'

'Piper––'

'––I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. Please, please, _please_ don't do this again, _please_––'

_Stop. Stop, __**stop**_. Alex desperately wraps her arms around her, squeezes tight; she can't bare to listen to anymore. She can't. It's too much. Seeing Piper like this is too much. Watching Piper _beg_ Alex to spare herself is _agonising_. Alex's heart races. 'Okay. Okay–– I'm sorry.' She holds her, runs her hands up and down her back soothingly, waits for Piper to calm. 'I'll do what I can. I promise.' _I'll try_.

For an uncertain amount of time, Alex lets Piper lean against her, she continues to hold her. Piper is calmer, she's eased, but she's still crying. She raises her chin to look at Alex, and she looks upset. Sad. Dismayed. Disappointed. Hurt. Broken.

Fragile.

Alex kisses her. A soft kiss. She pulls away briefly, only slightly; feels Piper's hot breath against her lips. Piper keeps her eyes closed, presses her forehead against hers, leans forwards. Her breathing pace accelerates, her heart pounds against her ribcage, so close to exploding, and their lips brush, making Piper gasp, yearn for her.

Gently, Alex places a hand to the back of her head, and closes the gap between them. They kiss once, break apart, kiss again, again, Piper sighs, Alex's other hand rests at her hip. Piper pushes against her, she feels Alex's tongue, moans softly; her cheeks flush, her mind is white, blank, already blind by the amount of ecstasy rushing through her.

Gradually the speed of their kisses increases, the hunger and neediness heavier. Piper straddles Alex's lap, nips affectionately at her lower lip, pulls away momentarily to catch her breath. She can barely breathe as it is. Piper grimaces when she feels Alex's lips on her neck. She arches back slightly, allowing more room. Alex is soft, and knows exactly where to kiss her, knows the sweet spot just below her ear, kissing along her jawline.

'Touch me.'

Piper exhales when Alex cups her breasts. Her eyes flutter closed, and she presses Alex's hands harder against her chest, can feel Alex massage them tenderly, with just the right amount of force. Piper collapses forward, hovers her mouth over hers, and hesitantly, cautiously, moves in for another kiss. Piper shudders when their lips meet. She gasps, her body is on fire when Alex turns more aggressive, more demanding; her kisses are wet, hot, exhaustive, passionate. She can feel Alex's breath in her mouth, intimate and warm down her throat.

Then, suddenly, Alex pulls away.

It takes Piper a moment to realise what's happened. Alex shuffles away beneath her, until she's sitting on the other end of the bed. 'What?' Piper holds her breath. 'Why did you stop?'

'I don't want to do this again, kid.' Alex isn't looking at her. She's ashamed. She watches the floor instead. '––You remember what happened last time?'

'This isn't like last time,' Piper whispers, reaching over and resting a hand on her shoulder. 'Alex, this is _nothing_ like last time.'

Alex stands, wisely moves away. She doesn't want Piper touching her. 'I don't know.' She runs a hand through her hair. 'I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Pipes.'

'––What do you mean?'

'Look at us!' Alex turns to her. 'What the fuck are we doing? This always happens, and then one of us always ends up doing something shitty. You really think _we_ can work?'

Piper is still recovering from what just happened, but she's sober soon enough. 'I–– That's not fair.'

'Isn't it? I think it's pretty fucking fair, Piper. I don't want to fuck you, and then be done. And I don't want to fuck you, and then for one of us to fuck the other over. Do you not see my _point_ here?'

'Yes.'

'I want this.' Alex shakes her head. 'But I don't want us to push each other away again. It feels like we're constantly walking backwards.'

'I know.'

'So?'

Piper sighs. 'Come here.' Alex frowns. 'Fucking Christ, _Vause_, come _here_.' A tad suspicious, Alex obeys and returns to the bed. Piper shuffles close. 'I know what you're saying. And I suppose we were rushing a little back there –– but you shouldn't be so unwilling to try again.'

'Kid, I want to. Believe me, I do. But, you're still stuck in prison.'

'Yeah, thanks to you.'

'Hey! Don't turn this into an issue we've already solved. All I'm saying is how can we make something like this work, when we can't––' Alex rolls her eyes, 'When we can't _be_ together?'

Slowly, Piper smiles. 'I forgot how romantic you can be.'

'Shut up.'

'And how cheesy, too.'

'Chapman. Shut it.'

Piper sniggers. 'Fine.' Her smile fades. 'You're right: this won't necessarily work, but–– that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the time we have now. I found you, we've talked, and–– to me, that's _worth_ a furlough. It's worth all the shit I've been through. _We've_ been through.'

To her relief, Alex doesn't object. Instead, Alex slumps her shoulders; she seems to give in. Piper comes closer, and dares pull her into a hug. This time, Alex responds in kind, and they hold each other gently. 'How long do you have?'

'Two days.'

Alex sighs heavily. 'Well, fuck.'

'You could always come back with me.'

'Pft. Yeah, right. I'd rather stay here. Me and my landlord seem to have an affinity.'

'Really?'

'He certainly likes to barge into my apartment without knocking. _And_ when it's locked.'

Piper frowns. 'Oh. _Wow_.' Neither speak after that. Their eyes meet, and they smile shortly. Piper falls back against the mattress, and props herself on one elbow. 'Be my little spoon?'

'Are you fucking with me?'

She shrugs. There's a glimmer of rebellion in her eyes. 'Don't be such a prickly pear now.'

With slight reluctance, Alex crawls over to Piper, and lies on her side. Without a moment's hesitation, Piper presses her chest against her back, and idly wraps an arm around her waist. The sheet over them, and hidden away from the world, Alex has to admit this isn't too bad.

'I wish I were here longer.'

Alex's heart breaks a little. She rolls around to face her properly. Studies her eyes, how beautiful and pure they are. 'Me too, kid.'

The quiet again. Piper comes closer, rests her cheek against Alex's shoulder. She can hear the faint sound of traffic outside, Alex's breathing, and her heart. It beats soothingly, and Pipes loves the sound; treasures it. It reassures her Alex is still here, _she's still here_.

'Me too.'

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	8. To Make Amends

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A while ago, if someone had told Piper she would fall in love with a drug dealer and a _woman_ for that matter, she would think they were crazy. As a University student, even though Piper had a tendency to socialise with the wrong people, she was a relatively good girl. She did her work, got decent grades, and left in her final year with a degree. It was simple stuff; she made memories, but University isn't necessarily the best time of her life. It is just a _part_ of her life, something she can look back on, and feel proud about. However, she has changed a lot since then –– a _lot_ happened to her after University, and the last thing she expected was to fall for someone she would have avoided at all costs when she was a student. The moment she met Alex Vause, Piper knew she was dangerous.

It was probably her confidence. How she didn't hesitate to confront her at the bar, mock her CV, and even show a little charm. Piper always thought women were attractive, but she never felt excitement when thinking about them. With Alex, though, Piper felt a rush. The countless times they went abroad together, the many adventures and mysterious friends they bumped into in luxurious restaurants and fancy hotels, the thrill of their love being a secret. At first, Piper had never felt more alive; she _loved_ every second she was with Alex. Loved the chase, loved the freedom she was suddenly wrapped in, loved how Alex was able to spoil her; loved the attention, loved how she got to spend every waking moment with the only person who made her feel good.

Deep down, she always knew it wouldn't last. It was too perfect. No matter how much Alex gave to her, Piper always knew _something_ was wrong. Something was out of place; there was something about Alex which wasn't honest. Alex was not studious, like Piper. She didn't care for education, and she _hated_ school. The bullying was a huge factor. The bullying left scars, damaged her self-esteem; the air of confidence Alex carried was more an act than anything. Piper started to realise this much too late. Alex was sensitive, emotional, and selfish.

Piper soon became this _decoration_. A silly girl who followed her girlfriend around because she was weak. Piper knew what Alex involved herself in; she knew what Alex did for a career was illegal. She knew that all the money Alex received was because she imported heroin across the world. Piper was treated with gifts and holidays because Alex was slowly killing her boss's customers with the drugs they wanted. No, _needed_. It was disturbing, deranged. Piper was stupid, utterly stupid to fall into this trap. Her family always saw her as the sweet one of the family. To know she had been involved with a criminal like Alex Vause would not only be terrifying, but disappointing.

One day it just wasn't enough. Alex wasn't enough. Work came first –– the drugs came first, before Piper, and that wasn't enough. Piper didn't want to become Alex's housewife, a woman who patiently and obediently waited for their partner to notice them again. This wasn't the relationship Piper first stepped into. This relationship had dwindled, it had turned into something poisonous. Piper started to wonder if Alex even held the same feelings for her. She wondered if her obsession with work had managed to erase her feelings for Piper altogether. She wondered if Alex was no longer interested, if she didn't care anymore; if she didn't _love_ her anymore.

So, Piper left. Packed her suitcase, and left.

It was the best and worst decision of her life. From that point on, there were no more adventures, no more mystery friends, no more luxury hotels and gorgeous beaches. There were no more drugs to import, no more shady characters to avoid, and there was no girlfriend to cling to. Instead, there were normal people, normal jobs, a normal, good boyfriend, and a normal life. A _planned_ life. Not one which jumped around; this life was stable. This life didn't have Alex, and this life suited Piper better, it was the life she was groomed to belong to.

The chains had been removed from her wrists, and she was free. But with this freedom came an emptiness, a hollow void inside her which couldn't be filled. It was when she met Alex eight years later did she realise that emptiness, that void, was her. Or, the _lack_ of her. Alex might be bad for Piper, she might be an awful person, she might slowly kill people for a career, and she might place her work over Piper, but that didn't mean she wasn't _right_ for Piper. That didn't mean she was impossible to love, and she didn't make Piper happy. That didn't mean Piper felt whole without her.

Alex isn't Larry. Those two are opposites. Larry is kindhearted, warm and trying to pursue a casual, normal career. He had put her first, and he was shy, hesitant, even a little inexperienced. And she had liked that. She _loved_ that. It didn't come to surprise her that when she left Alex, the person she felt appealed to the most was Alex's counter opposite.

But Larry wasn't Alex. He couldn't make her feel what Alex made her feel.

Glancing down at their entwined fingers, Piper notes to herself that she should head back home early. After all, she is on furlough, and if her family discover she isn't home, they'll panic. Plus, the last person Piper should be with is Alex, who is allegedly _still_ involved in criminal activity. Even though Piper loves her, it isn't worth the risk. Not anymore. She's learnt that love isn't an excuse, and she has a hunch Alex feels the same way. Love is no longer worth the risk.

Suddenly Piper feels Alex stir. They've been dozing for the past hour, unaware of the time. Alex meets her gaze, and Piper has to smile slightly when she squints for a moment. They watch each other in silence, and Piper feels so relaxed she's certain she may drop to sleep any minute. She watches Alex frown lightly, 'What is it?' Piper asks.

'Nothing. Just thinking,' Alex replies.

'What about?'

A shrug. 'You know. Stuff. What I'm going to do next, whether I should wash my bed linen––' she rolls her eyes, '––_you_.'

'Oh.' Piper smiles crookedly. 'Do you think about me a lot?'

'Not if I can help it.'

They are both quiet again. Piper sighs heavily, and closes her eyes. Her thumb strokes across Alex's knuckles, and she's aware Alex is still watching her. The attention is nice, she's missed this. She's missed this dearly. With them being able to lie together without speaking, and feeling so at home, so at peace and so okay about everything. The tears have stopped for now; she doesn't need to cry anymore, and she'll happily stay here for as long as she possibly can.

'I still have some questions,' Piper admits quietly.

Alex lowers her gaze. 'Okay.'

Opening her eyes, Piper hesitates. She wants to be careful. The last thing she wants is for Alex to turn away; she doesn't want to upset her. Even though they've discussed –– tearily –– why they did what they did, Piper still wants to know more. She needs Alex to be open with her; she needs them both to be open with each other. Alex _has_ to be on her side, has to work with her if they are, at all, going to make this wonderful thing they share work. It needs to blossom again, regain its light; Piper has to go back to what they once were.

In an attempt to confirm her insecurities, Piper gently grabs a fistful of Alex's jacket. 'Why did you get me the lawyer?'

'What I did in Chicago was wrong,' Alex says at once. Piper is relieved she isn't holding back; she's going to be honest. 'I was in a "fuck you" mode at the time––' Piper smiles, '––and I was sorry for what I did. I got you the lawyer so he could help you out. Even though I told you to keep your head down and shit, I knew it wouldn't work. If someone inside is keeping you in there, then there's no way you're getting out, kid.' Alex twitches a little smile. 'I know someone who was sent to psych –– when she went, she was sane. Saner than any person. I never saw her again.'

A chill shoots up Piper's spine.

'She was a fucking dick, though, so I guess she deserved it. Thing is about psych, they sometimes send you in when you're stable. Give it a few weeks, and you go mental. It's a shitty system. I didn't want that happening to you, is all.'

Piper's expression softens and she leans up to kiss her lips. 'You don't need to worry about me. I would have got out sooner or later.' They both know this isn't true, but they smile at each other anyway. Together, they silently agree to not delve into what could have happened to Piper. They don't want to imagine an alternative life to this one. They can't. 'He wasn't a bad lawyer. Did you know he's even going to try and shorten my sentence?'

'No.' Alex raises her brows. 'Not a bad deal.'

'I guess your boss _is_ a gentleman, after all.'

Rolling her eyes, Alex doesn't find Piper's statement as amusing as she does. A protective urgency is expressed when Alex wraps her arms around Piper's waist. Of course Piper doesn't resist, but the smile vanishes. 'I'm sure he'll have me make up for it,' Alex mutters, 'As long as your lawyer does what he promises, then I don't care. Fuck, I should get a lawyer like that. After all the shit I've done for him, I should have my own palace.'

Piper sniggers. 'You could have afforded one.'

'I know. Then I got thrown in jail. Which sucked, by the way.'

'At least I was there.'

Alex snorts. 'You screamed at me when we first met. You _screamed_ at me.'

'It was a rough day. Well, even if you did get all of that money again, you'd just waste it on books.'

'_Waste_ it? God, Piper, you've never even _touched_ a book.'

'That's not true,' she retorts, 'I just have more to do in my life than get lost in some fantasy world. It annoyed me so fucking much when we went away and you'd just sit on your ass reading.'

'You liked it, though.'

Piper pauses. 'Yeah. Yeah, I did.'

A shiver travels up her body when Alex runs her fingers lightly through Piper's hair. Without realising, Piper begins to smile again. It's an effortless smile, but it makes her look younger, makes her look happy; less exhausted. A car drives past the flat, and Alex can hear chatter on the pavement below, but, aside from that, it's quiet. Soon, the car and chatter are gone. She glances at Piper: her eyes are closed, and she's breathing rhythmically, possibly sleeping.

It upsets her that time is running short. Alex can't close her eyes and dream. She doesn't want to waste a second without the woman beside her. She nearly slaps herself. She isn't what she used to be, she's older, and maybe wiser too. Work isn't her life anymore, and Piper isn't that easy to push to the side anymore either. She's become the _centre_. Even though they've fucked each other over more than once, nothing seems to have changed when it comes to what they mean to one another. Except, Alex is able to _appreciate_ what Piper means now –– more than before. In a way, this is good, this is a positive development; she's beginning to trust.

But, in other ways –– a lot of ways –– it's tragic.

'I'm glad we found each other again.'

'Really?'

'Yeah.'

'Good.' Alex brushes a few strands of hair from Piper's face. 'I am too.' She frowns. 'By the way, how _did_ you find me? As shitty as this place is, Queens isn't exactly lacking in its population.'

Piper smiles lightly. 'Your lawyer. He gave me his number a few days ago. I called him and he told me your address.'

'The fuck––?' Alex cocked a brow. 'How did he know where I lived?'

'I don't know. Your boss must have found out. Well, he _did_.' Piper's eyes quickly glance at one of Alex's cuts. She blinks, looks away, and Alex notices a hint of fear in her eyes when she does so. 'Larry told me about the lawyer.' Alex evidently tenses at the sound of his name, but Piper continues, 'He also said you wanted nothing to do with me. Which I understand, I just––' She shrugs. '––Wish he didn't tell me the way he did.'

Alex is silent for a considerable amount of time which makes Piper worry. However, she doesn't stay quiet for long. 'No offence to your boyfriend, but he's very easy to convince. I don't know what you see in him, to be honest. Doesn't have a backbone, for starters––'

'He's not my boyfriend,' Piper says.

'––Sorry,' Alex rolls her eyes, 'Fiancé.'

'Will you wake up?' Piper prods her below the shoulder playfully. 'You really think I'd be here if I was still engaged to Larry? We're not a _thing_ anymore. I kissed him––' She tightens her grip on Alex's jacket when she resists at her words, '––and felt nothing. I don't... I don't love him.' Piper is shocked to hear herself reveal this. Her heart flutters, and her cheeks flush; she's surprised, and even a little ashamed, but she thinks it's about time. 'And I know he doesn't love me either.'

No response. Alex has nothing to say, and her expression is neutral.

'I know _now_ I shouldn't have chosen him. I shouldn't have chosen either of you, to be frank. Neither of you are great for me.'

'Wow. Thanks. Good we're not beating around the bush here––'

'Shut up. I'm trying to talk.' Piper rolls back her shoulders, and loosens her expression. 'Thing is––' She stops, sighs, '––I just can't seem to get you out of my head. You're just always there, you're––'

'Inevitable?' Alex finishes, teasing her, but there's a hint of sincerity behind her tone.

'I can't get away from you.'

Alex holds her gaze. 'Do you regret any of this?'

'No. I don't regret _you_. I regret the circumstances, though.'

'Ah.' Alex looks away. 'That's something.'

'Are you disappointed?'

Slumping her shoulders, Alex smiles and pulls her close, pressing her lips into the crook of her neck. 'No, I'm not. I didn't mean to sound that way.' She feels Piper's hand rest against her back. 'I just wish this was easier.'

They hold each other in silence. The warmth bouncing off Alex's body makes it hard for Piper to keep her eyes open, and to remain alert. She exhales. 'Do you remember my grandmother?'

A dry chuckle escapes Alex's lips. 'Sure. She was the only relative of yours that I met.'

'She liked you.'

'I know.' Alex smiles faintly. 'I think she preferred me over you.'

'No, she didn't,' Piper scoffs, pulling back slightly so she can see Alex's face. 'Just because she had me doing all the chores and not you, that doesn't mean you were her favourite.'

'Jealous?' Alex grins. 'I liked going to see her.'

Piper smiles. Her lips quiver. 'I miss her, you know? Aside from my brother, she was the only relative I had who I could tolerate being around for more than five minutes.'

'You get over it.' Alex pauses. 'No, you don't. You don't get over losing someone. But it gets better. Even if you have to go through it alone.'

It occurs to Piper what Alex is subtly implying. The pain Piper feels for her grandmother must have been doubled for Alex when she not only lost her mother –– the only real friend she had besides Piper –– but also her girlfriend. Piper's heart pace quickens, and she feels a horrible sensation course through her body.

She knows what this sensation is. It makes her feel nauseous, helpless, awful. Piper is guilty. She's never felt more guilty about Alex losing her mother before. Piper holds her close, resting her forehead just above her cheek, 'Oh Alex,' she breathes, 'I'm such a dick.'

'That's probably one of the most accurate descriptions you've said about yourself.'

Piper raises herself slightly to look at her properly. Even though Alex tried to make a light remark about the situation, the effects don't last long. Death has always been a sensitive subject between the two, and they've never trusted themselves to delve back into the past. Piper's betrayal, all those years ago, still haunts Alex every day. It doesn't flatter Piper at all; it's not something she's proud about, and she knows no matter how much she apologises, it won't fix the damage.

When she softly kisses Alex's cheek, she hears her sigh. Piper's lips travel to the corner of her mouth, and then her lips. For half a minute, Piper kisses Alex gently, and slow. She wants to say sorry, but her words are useless; they're just _words_, and words can be so empty, and pathetic. Piper can't say sorry through words. She's ruined that opportunity. The back of Alex's hand brushes against Piper's cheek, and she kisses her a little more, before pulling away.

Their eyes are half shut, but not necessarily out of fatigue or the affection they previously shared.

'I feel safe with you,' Alex confesses.

Piper kisses her again, and gives into the chase once more.

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**author's note**: A speedy update, but I felt you readers deserve a treat, you've all been so fucking amazing. How are you finding these fluffy, but important chapters between Piper and Alex? Don't hold back on telling me your thoughts. I'll admit, I'm a tad worried they're a little OOC, but hopefully that's just me being paranoid. If you enjoyed this chapter, then you'll definitely enjoy the next one. ;) -hinthint, nudgenudge-  
Sorry for not thanking my reviewers in the last chapter. Frankly, I'm speechless about the amount of feedback I got for chapter six. It's hard to believe my writing is as good as you all say it is, but it means the world. Thank you to _everyone_ who gave me a review, be it small or big. It's amazing. Really. You make writing so exciting for me.

By the way, I don't have work anymore. I have a good two months of freedom ahead of me, so I have _lots_ of time to work on my stories. This makes me a very happy girl. ^^

Thank you **garganta**, **takeniteazy**, **[ lj ]**, **Rain Addict CM**, **Maritexxam**, **[ guest ]**, **Kuchiki Everlark**, **bluepaintbox** and **izzielg** for reviewing chapter seven!


	9. Fall

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Piper surprises herself when she wakes up. The last thing she remembers is kissing Alex for possibly over an hour. Did she honestly fall asleep while making out? A blush creeps over her cheeks, and she's still for a moment. It isn't morning yet, and, to her relief, Alex hasn't moved. Piper raises her gaze. Clearly Alex hasn't slept yet. She's wearing her glasses again, reading a novel in one hand, while her other rests against Piper's back. The blonde realises her head is currently on Alex's shoulder, her left leg over Alex's right.

The last thing she wants is to disturb Alex from her reading, so Piper says nothing. From where she lies, she can faintly make out some of the sentences in Alex's novel. None of it makes much sense, and she searches for the title on top of the page: _Memoirs of a Geisha_. Piper frowns. She's _heard_ about this novel before, but never actually read it. She's almost certain there's a film based off this book as well. Unfortunately, her attempts to remain quiet are blown when she yawns, stretching slightly.

'It stirs.'

'Was I asleep for long?'

'Nah.' Alex lowers her book, and focusses her attention on Piper. 'Got some peace and quiet while you were out, though.'

Piper pouts slightly. 'You're really mean sometimes.'

'No offence, kid, but you're no angel yourself.'

'I _am_ nice.' Piper sighs, and snuggles closer to Alex. 'Nicer than you, anyway.'

To her slight dismay, Alex doesn't offer a response. Instead she returns to reading her novel, already lost in the words. Piper doesn't mind too much. Heck, she's used to Alex doing this, especially if the book is good. If what she's reading is a page-turner, and she has people disturbing her, Alex usually turns grumpy and easily frustrated. It's a weird trait about her. Piper has learnt when she needs to give the other woman some time to herself. Back when they were together, Alex's books were a way for her to get away from work and the constant demands being thrown her way.

It upsets Piper a little, but she also knows those books were to get away from her as well. Alex isn't exactly a social butterfly; she prefers her own company. Although she isn't necessarily a hermit, Alex still needs a break from people every now and again, including those she holds close. It's funny, really, considering her previous job had a lot to do with working with people. Piper winces when she remembers said previous job is _still_ Alex's job; she still does favours for that monster.

The books are Alex's escape. It helps her cope.

For the next half an hour, Piper is silent, closing her eyes sometimes and dozing. It's nice to rest beside Alex like this, to hear her soft breaths and even the faint _thump_ of her beating heart. Yet the longer she lies there, the more her mind starts to spin. Piper knows she shouldn't be here; if she's caught, she may be accused of abusing her furlough. She _should_ be with a family member, or a good friend, at least. Not with her ex-girlfriend who's just been released from prison. Piper needs to return home, whether or not Larry is willing to let her in. Piper's heart lurches when she remembers him.

Has Larry returned yet? Has he discovered Piper is missing? Piper swallows. She hopes, _dearly_, that Larry hasn't returned home. That he's assumed Piper will be staying at their place overnight, so he's decided to stay with a friend or at a hotel. It's a selfish thought. She doesn't want Larry home because she's scared he'll get her into trouble. But, damn it, Piper doesn't want to waste her furlough sitting on her ass with no one to talk to, trapped in a house which no longer _feels_ like home anyway. Staying with her parents is out of the question –– they will just drive her nuts.

Idly, Piper traces patterns with her finger just above Alex's abdomen. When Alex flinches, Piper smiles. 'You're still ticklish there,' she proclaims.

'Snap out of it,' Alex insists, though a smile reaches her lips as well. She grabs Piper's offending hand, and squeezes affectionately. 'If you're that bored, grab a book and read with me.'

Piper snorts.

'Or you can shut up and go back to sleep again.'

'Why don't you tell me about the novel you're reading?'

'Because it's fucking long,' Alex replies. 'Plus, I don't want to spoil it all for you.'

'I saw another book on your table. _The Dragon Tattoo_ one. Why aren't you reading that?'

Alex shrugs. 'Wanted to read this one again.' She looks at her. 'Problem?'

'No. Just asking. Fickle.'

'_I'm_ fickle? Says the chick who keeps switching between dick and pussy every few days. Did you make up your mind eventually, or are we still skipping from one end of the spectrum to the other?'

'Maybe I like both?'

'Maybe you're just fickle.'

'Well, that's not how my sexuality works, Alex. I hate labels for this _exact_ reason. My sexuality does not have limitations.'

'You sound so proud.'

'Because I am.'

'God, don't I just know it.'

It's banter. They're teasing, trying to win a battle with no reward. Piper laughs, because, without even trying, they've slipped back into their usual behaviour with one another. A warm sensation shudders through her, and she wraps an arm around Alex's middle, pulling her close. 'Shut up. You can deny this as much as you want, but I know you adore me.'

'Jesus Christ.'

'And don't use the Lord's name in vain.'

Alex snaps her book shut and gives her a blunt look. Piper grins innocently. 'Has that Bible basher got to you as well? If we're going to be discussing the magic of the divine, then you can get the fuck out. There's no room for Jesus here and his ego-crazed God.'

'Wow. Don't hold back.'

'I never do,' Alex smiles crookedly and kisses, of all places, her nose. 'Are you hungry? I think I've got some food somewhere,' she says, slipping off the bed and entering her small kitchen. Piper sighs and rolls onto her back to stare up at the ceiling.

'You _think_?' There's a small pause for a moment, and Piper can hear Alex searching through cupboards. She rolls her eyes. 'What the Hell, Alex? How can you _not_ have any food?'

'I don't know. Probably because I ate it all!' Alex calls back from the other room.

Piper pulls a face. 'Okay. Well, when that happens, you go buy some more.'

No response, but she takes that as a victory. While Alex busies herself in her search, Piper turns her attention to the novel she left on the bed. Turning onto her stomach, she picks it up and opens it at the page Alex was reading. Naturally, Piper can't follow due to the fact she hasn't read the book, but she's able to grasp the idea of what's happening.

Soon the sounds Alex is making from the kitchen are blocked out when she begins to read:

_By this time, I'd removed the Chairman's handkerchief from my obi; and now, silently, I spread it onto the table and smoothed it so that his monogram was clearly visible. Over the years the handkerchief had taken on a stain in one corner, and the linen had yellowed; but the Chairman seemed to recognise it at once. His words trailed off and he picked it up._

"_Where did you get this?"_

"_Chairman," I said, "All these years I've wondered if you knew I was the little girl you'd spoken to––"_

'––Piper?'

Startled, she looks up and sees Alex hovering in the doorway, a packet of biscuits in hand. Her brows are narrowed, and Piper wonders if she's been watching her read for long. A tad embarrassed, Piper closes the novel and sits upright. 'I just wanted to have a look.'

However Alex smiles a little. 'Go ahead. Although, it _is_ right near the end where you're reading. You might want to start at the beginning.'

'Do you know what happens in the end?'

'Sure. I've read that book many times.' Alex steps inside, and throws the biscuits Piper's way who catches them effortlessly. 'I know you hate sad endings; this one isn't. It's all bittersweet and shit.' After Alex has slid back onto the bed, Piper doesn't waste a second to wrap her arms around her again. She doesn't really know why holding Alex is so important, but she feels safer this way, almost protected. In fact, holding Alex and having Alex hold her cannot be more comforting.

Stripping away the foil to their biscuits, Piper quietly nibbles on one while Alex continues reading again. This time, the blonde joins in, her eyes dancing over the words, and following each sentence. The conversation between Sayuri and the Chairman continues on for several page. All the while, the atmosphere in the novel is tender, a little intense, but heartwarming.

"_What I did on Amami..." Here I had to hold a burning in my throat a long moment before I could speak again. "What I did on Amami, I did because of my feelings for you, Chairman. Every step I have taken in my life since I was a child in Gion, I have taken in the hope of bringing myself closer to you."_

At first, it doesn't occur to Piper why those last few sentences pulled at her heart. She ignores Alex's expression of concern when Piper pulls away; she doesn't want to read anymore. In fact, she has a sudden urge to get out of this bed altogether. She feels dirty, unclean; she wants to feel fresh, she wants to feel good about herself. There's something wrong with her and she needs to scrub this wrong away as much as she can. Piper shuffles to the edge of the bed.

She is aware of Alex's eyes on her back. Neither say anything for a while, as if they both know what the other is thinking. Piper feels tired again, exhausted and beaten. She wants to get out of here, run far, far away, but at the same time, she wants to stay here forever. She wants Alex to hold her forever, and to just never let go. As cheesy and as stupid as it sounds, Piper wants Alex all to herself, she wants to be with her for years and years until they grow old.

Piper inhales. No. No, she's tired. Her emotions are simply enhanced due to the fatigue. Plus, that book –– that damn, fucking book has rubbed off on her the wrong way. Standing to her feet, she doesn't look at Alex; doesn't want to see her expression. Doesn't want to notice her. 'Can I use your shower?' Despite what she's feeling, her voice is strong, firm. She pretends to know what she wants, but she knows Alex isn't stupid; she knows Alex knows her.

'Through that door,' Alex says.

The door is just off to her left. Piper is silent from there. She enters the bathroom, and closes the door, leaning her back against it before exhaling slowly. It's weird and fucked up how these emotions have started to attack her. Now, of all times. It's such a rush, too, it makes her hands shake. Makes her palms sweaty, makes her clammy all over, and it's gross. Piper hasn't felt like this in ages. She's never felt so thrilled and excited and terrified in her life, never felt such a _need_ to be with someone.

Removing her clothes, she steps into the shower and turns it on. Hot water flows over her skin and she cranes her head back. It's an amazing sensation. She hasn't had a warm shower since before she went to Lichfield, and the sensation is out of this world. Piper exhales, shivering, and holds herself, allowing the water to coat her completely. She stares down at the floor, closes her eyes, tries to pretend Alex isn't in the next room. That she's alone; the world is her own.

Except she isn't alone. Alex _is_ in the next room, reading that book with those few sentences which sound so _familiar_ to Piper. Although she never found ways to bring herself closer to the woman she thought she hated, it certainly feels that way. Somehow, they always come back to each other. There's always _something_ which brings Piper closer to Alex. No matter how much she tries to avoid it, Alex seems to slip back into her life; she's a constant, she's an _always_.

(_Everything is simply background_.)

Piper tricks herself into thinking the hot tears stinging her cheeks is water from the shower. Why does loving Alex hurt so fucking much? Piper knows she shouldn't. She knows she shouldn't love her, but she does, and she can't shake it off. She can't remove Alex from her head, and she can't –– _she can't let her go_. Alex is inevitable, and it's a curse. The love Piper has for her is horrible, so vibrant, passionate and _burning_. It's more than just desire; it consumes her. It sparks her body to life; it gives _life a point_. Alex gives her meaning, gives her excitement; Alex thrills her in ways no one has done before.

Just the very thought of being separated from her again feels like a stab to the heart. Piper is taunting herself, hurting herself by thinking such things. She can't –– the idea that they may not last hurts too fucking much. This certainty that she wants Alex hurts too fucking much. Piper needs her. Needs her in order to keep going, to wake up in the morning, to work, to move, to breathe, to _live_. She needs Alex to keep her sane, she needs Alex to keep her happy, and she needs Alex to love her.

Angrily, Piper slams her fist against the shower wall.

–– _I can't believe I've fallen in love with you again_.

When she turns off the shower, Piper stands still, water dripping off her warm body. Steam hovers off her skin, before evaporating into the air. Then, suddenly, her mind goes blank. Her vision is blurred and she's moving. Piper steps out of the shower, grabs a towel and dries herself before wrapping it around her body. She inches closer to the door, grasps the handle, waits. She can't think, can't decipher the problem; can't understand why her heart is so close to bursting, why her breaths are heavy, why she's desperate to show Alex just what she's done to her; to show her just how _fucked_ they are.

She wants Alex to realise. She's sick of waiting.

Opening the door, Piper notices Alex is no longer on the bed. Her book is closed, on her bedside table and she can hear her in the kitchen, preparing a warm drink. Piper walks through the bedroom to where Alex is. Her back is turned, and she's busy pouring hot water from the kettle to notice her. Quietly, Piper approaches her and wraps her arms around her waist, pressing the side of her face against her back. Alex stiffens. Neither say anything, but nothing needs to be said.

Slowly Alex places the kettle down, but she doesn't turn. Together, they embrace an odd sense of forgiveness between them. The apologies have been spoken, but this, what's happening right now, seems to erase all the harm and pain they've caused one another. A silent promise to move on, start again. Piper knows Alex has never been selfless, she's not a selfless person, and she's lived her life thinking for herself. It's how she's managed to survive in this cruel world, but, now, she has to adapt. To adjust.

The lawyer she hired for Piper is enough to prove she's already adapting.

For Piper, she's _trying_, and even though Piper cannot be more flattered, even though Alex's kindness makes it hard to fucking _breathe_ –– she can't help but let a few more tears fall. They make her eyes sore, and she foolishly holds her breath in an attempt to not make any noise. It hurts her chest, though, and she inhales sharply, shakily, and her body trembles as she continues to hold Alex tightly.

'–– don't run.'

She feels Alex relax. Then she realises Alex hasn't relaxed at all; she's just given up. Repeating the words Piper said all those years ago makes her _bleed_. Makes the agony ripping at her insides grow increasingly worse. Alex finally turns around and looks down on her. Piper doesn't know if she's going to say something, but there's a longing in her eyes she's witnessed before.

A mild sense of confusion, curiosity and dread.

Before their lips even touch, Piper is already struggling to breathe. Alex's hands gently rest against her neck, and she kisses her softly. It's so uncharacteristic of her, and Piper instantly grasps her jacket, clinging desperately. She lets Alex take the lead –– she's suddenly lost and uncertain with herself. She was so sure about what she wanted and now, she's tumbling. Unsteady on her feet. The surface beneath them is crackling, splitting them apart, and Piper _needs_ Alex to hold her, needs to convince her that –– _yes_, this is right. This has to happen. _This_. _This, I want this_.

Instantly her nagging thoughts disappear when Alex pushes her against the table. The wood is hard against Piper's back, but she ignores the pain. Her eyes flutter closed and she gasps when Alex kisses down her moist neck, her tongue flicking out slightly, teeth gentle but equally as aggressive, leaving a mark, _owning_ her. Piper is in a daze, her lungs are aching, desperate for air, but she doesn't give them mercy. When their lips touch again, Piper needs more, she's demanding and urgent. She moans into Alex's mouth, encouraging her to keep going, to not stop, _please don't stop_.

In the midst of their kiss, Alex's tongue traces over Piper's lower lip, and she instantly welcomes it. Their heated passion slides when Piper doesn't try to fight her; instead, she slackens against the hard table, moaning again, sucking on Alex's tongue before pulling apart briefly only to move in for another kiss. Alex hasn't even started using her hands, and Piper is already throbbing, her body shuddering in ecstasy, awaiting Alex's touch with impatience and anticipation.

The towel slips off her shoulders; falls to the floor.

Piper's breath is hot against Alex's lips. They stop kissing briefly. She wraps her arms around Alex's neck, closes her eyes when she feels Alex's palms run down her sides, past her waist, then her hips. She gasps; Alex's lips are wet and soft against the space between her breasts, and her arms slip from Alex to the table behind her. Piper grips the edge, arches her back, inhales sharply between her teeth when Alex flicks her tongue over her breast. She's helpless, shaking, warm, moist, needy. For half a minute, Alex sucks on her nipple gently, massaging Piper's other breast, and Piper can't contain herself.

She moans breathily, continuously, and is distinctly aware of Alex's hand slipping from her breast to her thigh. In order to adjust their position better, Alex has to raise herself, which Piper takes as an opportunity to kiss her. Frantically, Piper grabs the scruff of her collar and smashes her lips onto hers, her kiss deep, hungry and restless; so much so, Alex is nearly taken aback. But she catches up quickly, allows Piper to busy herself with the zip of her jacket while she lifts Piper's leg slightly in order to trail her fingers over the inside of her thigh. Piper exhales, jars her teeth, blushing –– she's already dripping, and her clear desires are a wound against her pride, but she doesn't care for long.

By the time Piper has managed to remove Alex's top, it's too late. Piper holds her breath when she feels Alex slip a finger into her flower, and she scrunches her eyes closed, her hips bucking a little. She leans against the table, spreads her legs some more, and nearly falls back when Alex runs her finger up the entrance to her sex. A sigh, a happy one, relieved, but she holds her breath again, straining under the pleasure. Then Alex enters her, curls her finger in order to hit the right spot, and Piper frantically grasps her arms, in an attempt to balance herself. Alex starts off slow, and they kiss slowly too.

Gradually, the pace quickens; it all becomes familiar again. Piper moans loudly, the lower half of her body rippling with floods of pleasure; it's a shock to her core, and she doesn't hold back. When Alex introduces another finger, this time pinching her clit softly before rubbing her there, Piper closes her eyes, lets her head fall back, and slams her hand onto the table, trying to hold her breath to stop her from making any noise. But she's unable to. She bites down on her lower lip, her hips beginning to move in perfect rhythm with Alex's touches, until suddenly she exclaims.

Piper doesn't have the will to stay quiet any longer. She searches for Alex's lips blindly and kisses her; it's sloppy, desperate, and it's not enough to silence her. Piper suddenly grows tense, and she feels as if she's on fire, and she wants –– _needs _Alex to keep going––

'I'm gonna cum,' she moans, helplessly clinging to her. '_Alex_–– Oh, Alex––!'

She can't see; her body flinches, and she exclaims, her release sending waves of shock and bliss through her, tearing at her, and then suddenly she falls back, spent. For a moment, she keeps her eyes closed, and she tries to catch her breath. She can feel her heart pounding in her ears, and she soon feels so relaxed, so happy, exhausted and satisfied all at once.

Her vision comes back to her, and she smiles at Alex weakly who doesn't hesitate to pull her into an embrace. Patiently, Alex waits for Piper to calm down; waits for her breaths to become lighter, and for her to stop trembling so much. Neither are aware of the time that passes, but when Alex pulls away slightly to look at Piper properly, she sees she's recovered somewhat.

Piper smiles again, and she can't quite believe what just happened. It makes her giggle, makes her feel rebellious and troublesome, and she loves it. Whatever she says next feels pointless and unnecessary, but she can't stop the words escaping her lips, 'I love you.' They're weakly spoken; soft, almost innocent. But there's a huge relief behind them. Piper may have confessed earlier, but this time around, there's a heavier certainty; this time, she's sure, she is absolutely definite.

Even though Alex doesn't respond, Piper knows she feels mutual, and that –– _that_, in itself, assures her how right this is. It's the right time, she realises. Before, when they first met, it wasn't the right time. Now, after all these years, it is right. It should be. Piper has never trusted Alex more in her life; she's never loved her more in her life; she's never felt so comfortable, so safe and so _happy_.

It's such a wonderful sensation it brings tears to her eyes.

'Oh, shit, Pipes,' Alex finally speaks. There's a laugh in her voice, and she affectionately wipes away the tears. 'You're not supposed to _cry_.'

'Sorry. I just–– can't help it.'

'You obviously can't help a lot of things,' Alex comments, cocking a brow.

Piper slaps her playfully. 'Shut up.'

They kiss again, and almost immediately Piper starts to feel dazed and flustered. She loves the way Alex's tongue moves against hers, loves the taste of coffee lingering on her lips, loves how soft and yet so possessively Alex kisses her back. It sends jolts of excitement through her, but she refuses to let Alex take the lead this time. Piper's hand travels past Alex's stomach, and slips into the waist of her trousers, dipping into her panties before delicately brushing over her sex. Alex tenses a little, and Piper can feel her smirk into the kiss, as if daring her to try.

Piper doesn't need encouragement though. Even though Alex is the only woman she's slept with, she's able to use this to her advantage. The ways which make Alex shudder under her touch linger in her mind; she knows exactly where to touch her, knows exactly which spots to kiss. Just the thought of Alex writhing under her hands makes Piper breathless all over again.

Breaking their kiss, Piper finds her feet, and pushes Alex gently towards the bedroom, but with the right amount of aggression. She wants her. She wants to do things to her, and Alex knows it. They're reluctant to be apart for long, and they're already kissing again by the time Piper straddles Alex on the bed. Smiling crookedly, Alex raises herself onto her elbows, allowing Piper to unclip her bra and fling it to the side. Although she expects it, it's a shock to feel Piper's hands against her breasts. The cool exterior doesn't last long –– Alex can pretend to be nonchalant, but Piper knows her tricks.

It all happens in swift movements; a rush of removing the last few garments, a flurry of kisses and hair pulling. Piper kisses her just above the abdomen, knowing this is one of her most sensitive spots, before travelling further down. Piper's tongue tickles the inside of Alex's bare thigh, before teasing the surface of her clit. Alex is far more subtle in her responses, but the sudden tension of her muscles convinces Piper she's doing this exactly right. This isn't like that time in the chapel –– that time in the chapel was done in a hurry, and although the moment exploded with passion, it lacked what this moment has.

Every kiss and touch is secure. There isn't a worry in the back of their minds, telling them that this won't last long –– everything, suddenly, is certain. They're relaxed, at ease with each other, and it's beautiful.

'_This is nothing like last time.'_

Piper's words from before echo in Alex's mind. This time, she doesn't resist. She lets this happen. _She lets it happen_. Alex thinks she's prepared for what's to come, she always is, but with Piper –– she's always surprised. Piper is a sensitive lover, and this is shown through her kisses, and the way she goes down on her. Her tongue is sweet, a little hesitant at first, and Alex can feel her grow in confidence as she starts to rub her tongue deeper within her folds, pushing harder when meeting a sensitive spot. Alex sharply inhales, running her hand through Piper's wet hair but not out of desire; more out of guidance.

As soon as Piper lets her finger join her tongue –– albeit, quite timidly –– Alex grabs a fistful of the bed sheet below her and pulls a little, struggling to maintain her composure. Yet even she's not able to. Alex surprises herself when she lets out a wanton sound, and immediately feels the heat in her cheeks rise. 'Fuck you,' she says to one in particular. The embarrassment fades away quickly when Piper continues, apparently unfazed by the noises of her lover.

Several seconds later, Piper removes her mouth from Alex's flower, which catches her flustered partner off guard. Piper raises herself and returns her finger back to where it was previously, but this time kisses Alex with a newfound urgency. Alex can taste herself on her lips, and it's a funny yet erotic sensation, which ignites a hunger deep inside her. They break off temporarily, and Piper is fully aware that Alex is nearing her climax, as much as the other woman is trying to hide it.

'Don't be shy,' Piper teases, breathless.

Despite usually being the aggressor, Alex secretly finds it extremely attractive when Piper takes on the role, even if it's not for long. Only moments after Piper's spoken does she cling onto the bed sheet tighter and reach her peak. It's a spasm of bliss and white hot pleasure that makes her lose all sense of control. Alex falls back, gasping for breath.

Smiling to herself, Piper kisses her forehead. 'You liked that.'

Immediately the blush returns to Alex's cheeks. 'I won't make that noise again.'

Piper snickers, grinning ear-to-ear, 'Oh, you mean when you woke up the entire flat? And I thought _I_ was loud.'

Alex sighs in irritation and pushes her aside, but there is a sense of playfulness behind her actions. Laughing quietly to herself, Piper rolls herself up in the bed linen and watches while Alex removes her glasses –– a little too late –– and places them on the bedside table, before slipping into the sheets with her. Piper has calmed down, but there's still an amused smile on her lips while Alex flicks off the lamp. Even though she can't see her in the dark (and the lack of glasses doesn't help either), Alex is fully aware of Piper's expression.

'Talk about that to anyone, then I'll also tell them about the time you squirted all over my––'

'Okay, okay!' Piper exclaims, quickly covering Alex's mouth with her palm. She giggles. 'Okay. Sorry.'

It's cute to hear her giggle, and, admittedly, Alex finds the situation relatively funny herself. However, when it comes to sex, Alex has a lot of pride and a reputation to maintain. She's _never_ made a sound like that in her life and she doesn't want to be known for it. 'Fuck you, kid.' But she smiles, kisses her softly on the lips.

They both lie on their sides, holding each other, and as the minutes tick past, the calmer they both become. Piper's eyes begin to droop, but reality soon hits. She remembers why she's here, she remembers why she _shouldn't_ be here, and her heart falls slightly. 'I should go.'

'Why?'

'I need to go back. I _have_ to. I'm on furlough, and––'

'You can stay. Just for a little while. Right?'

She wants to. More than anything in the world, she wants to. And she doesn't want to just stay here for one night, she wants to stay here for many more nights, millions more. Piper shuffles further into Alex's embrace, but no matter how close they are, they aren't close enough.

Waking up to Alex is all she could ever want.

Piper sighs softly, and then smiles at her in the darkness.

'Okay. I'll stay.'

**.**

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**.**

**author's note**: OOPS. Yes, this is my first lesbian smut, and I hope I delivered. It was a lot easier than I thought, and I honestly planned it differently than how it came out, but Alex and Piper are just out of my hands. I had such a laugh about Alex's "incident", but I'm probably just on my own here. Whatever the case, I hope you liked this chapter. These three chapters are important, to be honest. Now Alex and Piper are certain all they want is each other, and they're willing to put each other first is a _huge_ development. But I also think these three chapters are important because what's happening is, well, _nothing_, but so much. I wanted to have three easy going chapters between these two where they can just be themselves and come to terms with their fucked up lives. It'll make that much difference to the story.

What's going to happen next is mostly planned in my head, but no plan of mine sticks forever. The joys of being a writer, yo.

Thank you **aMirrorMaze**, the three **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **Next Exit**, **Maritexxam**, **Kuchiki Everlark**, **bluepaintbox**, **garganta**, **[ lj ]**, **Wilde-Productions** and last, but most certainly not least, **jacklavigne** for leaving such wonderful feedback.

Next update may take longer. Just so some readers can catch up. ;)

_Memoirs of a Geisha_ is a beautiful novel and was written by Arthur Golden, so all credit goes to him. I'd definitely recommend the book!


	10. Take Aim

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White  
**10.**

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**.**

For twenty minutes, for a thousand seconds, and for a hundred heartbeats, Piper pretends this is real. She ignores the truth; the fact prison is waiting for her. She ignores Larry, the approaching disappointment of her family, and she ignores the shame of falling into the arms of the woman who betrayed her. Piper pretends that lying here, next to Alex who sleeps soundlessly, is her life. This is her life. And this will be her life forever. Going to bed with Alex, waking up to Alex, and doing everything in between with Alex. For twenty minutes, Piper watches her sleep, and smiles softly to herself.

She can hear footsteps from the floor above. Movement outside in the hallway. Cars driving down the road. Chatter from civilians. She can hear life, and she can hear the world turning; she can hear everything continuing as normal. Nothing has changed, everything is exactly the same. Except, everything is different. Nothing is the same. Suddenly, there's colour and light; there's excitement and the thrill of a million tomorrows. There's happiness and hope, and promises whispered through kisses.

When Alex begins to stir, Piper's smile broadens, and she brushes a few strands of hair from her face when her eyes flutter open. Piper runs her thumb across Alex's cheek. '––Good morning.' Her voice is quiet, they're both quiet, as if hiding, as if sharing a secret that must not be discovered. And, yet, that is exactly what they are doing: shielding what they are. Piper is willing to lie again; lie about Alex, lie about what she means to her, lie about her feelings for her, lie about everything, just to keep Alex by her side. She's willing to put on an act in front of her family again, for Alex.

It is a good morning. The best. Sunlight pours in through the window, and snowflakes gently fall to the ground, painting the earth in white. Piper gazes at Alex lazily, aware of Alex's arms wrapping around her middle, pulling her closer. The time passes, but Piper has no desire to leave. She rests her forehead against Alex's, closes her eyes, dozes for a little while longer. She lets another minute go; pretends and lives a lie of paradise. Soon, though, her memory betrays her.

She remembers.

When it's time to leave, Piper wants to cry. However when they're clothed and ready, Alex holds her again, and her embrace is warm and soft; loving. It's honest and all from her. 'I won't leave you for long.' Piper may as well be reassuring _herself_ this. Alex tightens their embrace, and Piper can sense her smiling.

'I won't leave you for long either.'

A sigh. A sad sigh, one filled with regret and misery. Piper kisses Alex's cheek, then her lips; they kiss deeply, familiar with each other's breath and taste. Then, Piper has to pull away. It takes everything in her to let her hands slip from around Alex's neck, to break their kiss and to leave the apartment. It takes everything in her to turn away again, and not look back.

It won't be for long, she tells herself. Piper knows it won't be –– she'll make sure of that.

As she steps out into the snow, the warmth from Alex's home abandons her, and she steps further into the unwelcome chill of a pure, white, blind future.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The home she shares with Larry is empty, abandoned throughout the night. It's nearing nine o' clock in the morning; she's early. Everything is okay. Piper removes her hoody and shoes, locks the door, prepares herself some tea and a few biscuits. She sits on the settee, mug in hand, nibbling a biscuit, but she isn't aware. She isn't alert of what's happening around her; she's elsewhere. Trapped in the past, going over and over again the events of last night, of Alex, of _them_.

All she can think about is her, she is all Piper sees; she is all Piper wants to see, all she _can_ see. It's impossible to consider anything else. How wrong this is, how _awful_ this is. Piper doesn't want to think, doesn't want to think about how stupid her actions are––

Suddenly the phone rings.

Piper has half a mind to ignore it. She lets the phone finish at its final ring, then relaxes. However, she jumps with a start when the phone rings again. Piper slides off the sofa, and edges closer towards the phone, before picking it up and placing it to her ear. She doesn't know why she's so afraid, why she's so paranoid, why she can't help but panic over the idea she's abused her furlough.

'_Piper? It's Dad_.'

She does well to hide her relief. 'Oh. Hey. What's wrong?'

'_We've arranged a funeral wake later this afternoon. Managed to get it done before you head back to Lichfield prison. I know this is on short notice, but we've arranged it at yours and Larry's place. He won't mind, will he?_' By the sound of his tone, Piper has a feeling he doesn't care if Larry minds.

'No. That should be fine. What time?'

'_How about we head there around three?_'

'Okay.' Piper lets the conversation hang. She hears her father say good bye, and then the line goes dead.

**.**

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**.**

The quiet doesn't last long. Someone knocks on her door.

She knows it's not Piper. She wouldn't come back so soon; not when she can be easily seen. At least, that's what Alex wants to believe. Placing her novel aside, she waits a couple of minutes, in the hopes this visitor will walk away. But when she hears another knock, she recognises the rhythm, then the voice. This person is _not_ Piper, and this person crushes Alex back to reality.

Gun safely stored away, but easy to grab, Alex answers the door. A man stands there, dressed in trousers and a black shirt. He's wearing a twisted grin, and he looks at her with a mixture of amusement and disapproval. She knows who he is, and she knows he's armed, more than willing to kill her if she fucks around. Then, it occurs to her she already has fucked around, she's already causing more trouble for herself.

Felix has always been popular with the ladies. Not that Alex can see why. They say he's intelligent, and very good looking. Right now, though, he's ugly, monstrous, and wicked. Alex recognises that expression; that greed and bloodlust in his eyes. She's worn that expression herself once.

'Was the blonde chick who just left your girl?' He laughs. 'I forgot how cute she is.'

'Tell me something I don't know. What the fuck do you want?'

'Hey, I know it's sweet and all that you're both living happily ever after, but you haven't finished your job.' For the sake of privacy, Felix steps inside the apartment, and closes the door. Alex doesn't let him in any further, though. 'Kubra said if you're able to import a relatively large package over to France, he won't just give you a damn fine raise, but also seal the deal. He'll get his lawyer to shorten the sentence on Miss Chapman, and help you out with that shitty PO of yours.'

Alex has never been afraid of importing drugs. It's her gift; she's brilliant at it. So why is she so terrified at the thought of doing it now? Without realising, she thinks back to Piper, back to how she _begged_ Alex to stop doing this. To quit. To leave this life behind. And to, at least, do it for her. Do it for Piper. _'––I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you––_' Alex catches Felix's gaze, and he frowns at her, confused, angry, and then, his expression softens, but not out of sympathy.

Is she willing to start afresh for Piper? For one person? Is it worth it? Is Alex honestly able to do this? Has she gone mad? Completely insane? She knows firsthand that Kubra hates being told "no", especially by his favourite employees. Alex has fucked around once already, and the punishment was harsh. To fuck around again will surely be fatal. Foolish.

But the face before her isn't there. Felix is just a bothersome detail.

Suddenly, the drugs aren't worth it anymore. It's a bizarre feeling, it shocks her, and it's discomforting. But it's definite. Alex is still selfish, still twisted inside, but––

'I quit,' she says this confidently, unfazed, without a doubt in her mind.

And when he smiles at her, smiles at her in disbelief, in surprise and even in horror, Alex knows she's made a wonderful mistake. 'Do you?'

'I do. You can tell your boss that. Now, get the fuck out of my apartment.'

A pause. His smile stings. 'With pleasure.' He turns around, opens the door and quietly closes it behind him. Alex doesn't move; she's frozen in place. She doesn't regret her decision; doesn't regret it for an instant, but she knows, _she knows_, she will have to pay.

One way or another, she _will_ pay.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Everything is distant, unnatural, and Piper can't fathom why. In an attempt to look welcoming, Piper dresses herself in black trousers, and a white blouse. However, it doesn't seem to work. She tries to speak to her father, but he has little to say, and she knows that's mostly because he's mourning the death of his mother. She tries to speak to Cal, but he's not his usual chatty self; he's preoccupied, keeps glancing at his mobile phone –– he confesses he's waiting for his girlfriend to accept his proposal. So far, no luck, not even a hint. Piper sympathises, hugs him, and he smiles at her gratefully, but the mood lowers.

Most people avoid her. They see her as some sort of traitor, a criminal, someone poisonous. Piper realises she doesn't care when she heads into the kitchen for some food. Bowls of salad and other snacks are arranged on the table, and, for some reason, she heads straight for the salad. It tastes good, amazing even, and it _crunches_. None of the salad in prison _crunched_. While she's chewing, she hears footsteps behind her and turns. Larry stands awkwardly in the doorway.

'There's chocolate, peanuts, crisps. And you go for the _salad_?'

Piper smiles. Despite their fallout, Larry is still talking to her. 'It tastes good. You should try some.'

Her ex steps further into the kitchen, hands in his pockets. They stand in silence for a while, and Piper avoids his gaze. She can't look at him, not after what she did last night, not after spending the night with Alex. 'I'm staying at a friend's place,' he says, 'Give you space here, you know?'

'Thanks... You don't _have_ to do that, though.'

'I––' Larry shrugs. 'I do, Piper.'

The tension rises, and she feels his eyes burning into her. It's not a glare, but it's close to one. Piper looks up at him, waits for him to scold her, tell her what a bitch she's been, but Larry doesn't seem to have the energy. It's depressing to see him this way, and it's depressing how effortlessly they're falling apart. Piper munches on another salad leaf, and sits down, without a word.

Larry doesn't leave, and she appreciates that.

The silence isn't all too bad.

'_Piper_!'

She can recognise that voice anywhere. Piper widens her eyes, and jumps off her seat, turning to see her best friend, Polly, gaping at her. 'Oh my God!'

'What the _hell_? What the actual _fucking shit_? When did you get out? _What_?' Polly doesn't wait for an answer. Instantly she runs over and pulls Piper into a tight embrace. 'Fuck, it's miserable to see you here and _now_ of all places,' Polly comments, her smile vanishing. Pulling away, she glances at Larry once, and Piper spots a hint of concern in her eyes, but ignores it quickly. 'I missed you on Thanksgiving,' she says quietly, affectionately running her fingers through Piper's hair.

Piper takes her hands, and squeezes. 'Yeah, I missed you too.' She remembers Thanksgiving clearly, and shudders slightly. 'This is _shit_, Pol.'

'Fucked up, too. I'm sorry about your grandma.'

'Thanks. I think my dad's taking it hard, though.' She lowers her gaze, 'Won't talk to me. Not much, anyway.'

'He's just sad, plus... he hasn't seen you in months––'

'That's not my fault,' Piper whispers, 'He refuses to see me; refuses to accept the fact I'm in prison. It's stupid.' She says this, but even Piper isn't sure with her words. From the day she witnessed her father cheating on her mother, there has always been something _off_ about their relationship. Although Piper knows he's in mourning, she still wishes they can talk, have at least _one_ conversation together before she's placed behind bars again. 'Anyway, tell me about you.'

It's a good way to kill time, plus discussing Polly's life and her absent husband and father to their newborn child distracts Piper from what's happening. She tries to not care that her father can't even look at her, she tries to not care that she's no longer engaged to a man who would have been perfect for her. Piper tries to not care about the fact she's fallen in love with the wrong person, and she tries to forget that tomorrow she'll be heading back to prison.

She tries to pretend everything is normal.

But nothing is. Everything is different, and everything is fucked up. Everything is grey.

Polly has to leave by five in order to take care of her son. They hug, promise to meet during visiting hours at the prison, and then Piper is left alone. She asks her brother if he's had a response, and he simply shakes his head, preferring his own company for now. She avoids her parents altogether. Larry is nowhere to be seen while she pours herself a glass of wine.

Someone taps her on the shoulder. It's a middle-aged man, and she doesn't recognise him. Piper gathers he must be a friend of her father's. 'You're Piper, yes?'

'That's right.'

'There's a woman at the door, she's asking for you. Black hair, glasses, seemed pretty rude to be honest.'

_Alex_.

Heart in her mouth, Piper places her glass down and brushes past the man. She quickly reaches the door. She's shaking, trembling, finding it hard to breathe, and she isn't sure why. But she knows Alex is only here for a good reason. And, right now, Piper doesn't want to know this reason. She doesn't want to know. When she sees her, Piper can tell she's tense, something is on her mind, _something's wrong_.

Before Alex can say a word, Piper grabs her by the hand and drags her into the house. 'I can't let them see you,' she whispers under her breath. Alex groans, possibly with impatience. Piper peers around the door, makes sure no one is watching, and then speedily dashes up the stairs. Miraculously, the two ladies go unspotted. Piper escorts Alex to her bedroom, and once inside, closes the door, and breathes a sigh of relief. 'God, if anyone spotted me walking around with you––'

'I quit.'

Piper frowns, puzzled. Then it hits. 'You...' _quit. She quit_. She quit her job, she quit the importing. A smile reaches her lips, and she's laughing; she's so happy, so ecstatic, so thrilled. 'Fucking Christ. You did it!' However, the room seems to darken, and the joy fades away when she realises Alex isn't smiling. She watches her silently, and, for the most part, appears stoic.

Yet that terror is unmistakable.

'Alex?'

'I'm not safe here anymore.'

'... what?'

'I have to go.'

'Where?'

'I don't know. Somewhere. I need to get away from here.'

Their voices are hushed. Piper can hear chatter downstairs. She stares at Alex, wide eyed; her muscles go tense, she feels sick, angry, _betrayed_. 'You––' Piper's lower lip quivers. 'Alex, you cannot leave me. You don't get to leave me.'

'Piper, I'm in danger––'

'You've been in danger ever since you stepped out of that fucking prison. Don't tell me you're in danger _now_; what bullshit. Look at you –– look at your face. That's proof enough you've been in danger. What are they going to do to you?' Piper gasps, widens her eyes. 'What the fuck are they going to do to you?'

Alex is growing impatient, frustrated. 'I don't _know_, all right?' A pause. 'I don't know if they–– if they'll hurt you either.' Piper frowns. 'Look, I don't know what to do. I'm just doing the only thing I can do. So, fucking cut me some slack, yeah? If you have a better idea, then, _please_, share.' She exhales, watches her. 'And I'm not leaving you. Not for long.'

'Stay.' Alex rolls her eyes, but Piper quickly adds, 'For now. Just–– just stay until everyone's gone, and then–– then we'll talk, all right? Stay. Please?'

For a moment, Piper fears Alex will leave. That she'll leave and never look back. Her heart pounds against her chest as she waits for her to make a decision. '... Fine. But I won't stay for long.' A sigh of relief escapes Piper's lips, and her vision is blurred when she walks over and kisses Alex hard on the mouth. Her hands are trembling when she pulls away, and she struggles to maintain her balance.

'I'll make sure they leave soon, then.'

Alex watches Piper go until she's in the bedroom by herself. There's a clock on Piper's desk, and it ticks ever so slowly, almost taunting. Alex looks at the double bed, she recognises some of Larry's belongings on the drawer to the left. Some of his clothes are sprawled across the floor. This is –– _was_ –– the bedroom Larry and Piper shared together. A knot twists in her stomach and she decides to look out of the window. Snowflakes drift through the chilly air, and, by now, the roads are nearly blanketed in white.

There's something unforgiving about the colour.

She waits for over an hour. Watches the guests leave separately, gradually, until there's nothing but silence. Alex swallows, turns to the door when she hears frantic footsteps run up the staircase. In seconds, Piper is before her, flustered, barely able to catch her breath before she speaks, 'Thank God. Oh, thank God, you're still here,' she runs her hands through her hair, 'Oh, thank God.'

Guilt. Regret. Alex hates herself. 'I'm sorry, Pipes.'

'I know,' Piper inhales. Suddenly Alex is afraid she's going to start crying again. 'I wish I didn't feel so happy when around you.'

It breaks her heart. Alex winces. Clenches a fist. Her lungs feel heavy. Her head is splitting. She thinks she knows what's she doing, but she hasn't a fucking clue. All she knows is that if she stays here, one way or another she'll be harmed. But, she also knows Piper may also be too. She distinctly remembers the message Kubra left her: _Fuck me around, then your little bitch gets it too_. Alex feels clammy, she starts to panic. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck_. She breathes fast, tries to think, tries to figure out what to do.

'––Come with me.'

Piper stares at her.

'I'm serious,' Alex steps closer, stops. She can't believe what she's saying, but it makes sense. It makes perfect sense. 'Come with me. I know someone who can get you a fake passport, I can change your appearance so you're not recognisable––' Then she's holding Piper's face between her hands, and she's certain now. Yes, this is what should happen. It's stupid, reckless, fucking ridiculous, but it has to be done. '––We've done this before. Ish. When you imported those drugs to Paris, remember?'

She's speechless. She can barely breathe. Piper just nods.

'It'll be fine. If you just do what I tell you, then you'll be fine.'

'I––' Piper is shivering. She grabs Alex's hand. 'I'm on furlough. They'll know I've left––'

'Then we don't have much time. They'll know you're gone by tomorrow.'

'Alex, this is–– Alex, we can't. _I _can't. What–– what are we going to do after we're out of America? Live as fugitives on the run? Pretend to be people we're not? Do you not realise how–– how _stupid_ this is? I can't. I'm sorry. I–– I–– I can't––'

'You have to trust me. You need to trust me. I've done this countless times.'

'Alex––'

'Piper, please. I want you to come with me. I want you safe.'

In that moment, everything stops. No one else exists. Alex's green eyes are so deep and enticing, so convincing; filled with confidence and determination. A passion Piper hasn't discovered from her before. It's no longer just about her. Alex isn't thinking about herself. She's considering Piper. She knows Piper doesn't want Alex to leave, and she knows Piper is a target to Kubra's henchmen. She knows Piper can't stay here either. Piper stops breathing. Holds her breath.

No.

... say "no".

Turn. Walk away. _Abandon her_.

Piper kisses Alex again, but this time for longer, and she kisses her deeply, pouring with emotion and uncertainty, clinging to her jacket, desperate. This is stupid, this is _stupid_.

But she can't think rationally. She can't walk away. She can't leave. She can't repeat the same mistakes.

Right now, Alex is the only home she has left.

It's selfish. Horrible of her.

–– A smile. A nervous smile, a nod.

But what else can she do?

'I'll come with you.' Her voice cracks, she nearly gasps at her own words.

And the relief she sees in Alex's eyes makes her almost burst into tears. They kiss again, but it's short, and there's a rush of panic behind it. Alex isn't calm. She's pretending to be; she's pretending to know what she wants, she's pretending to know what she's doing. But she is not calm. Piper tries to grab her hand, tries to reassure her that this is okay, but Alex is out of reach.

She's already grabbing a bag, and passing it over. 'Pack your stuff. We'll leave as soon as you're ready.'

'Where are we going to go?' Piper stutters, pressing the bag to her chest.

Alex shakes her head. 'Fucking Christmas Island for all I care. Piper, just pack a few clothes. I have to make a call or two.' She pauses, and Piper feels better when Alex begins to calm down. 'I want to be on a plane in the next couple of hours. It's all planned in my head, okay, kid?'

_Kid_. For some reason, the nickname is fitting in this situation. Piper smiles, then grins, laughing. 'Holy fuck. You're going to be the death of me.'

Alex smiles in return, but she doesn't laugh. Her smile displays nothing more than an apology. While Piper grabs the nearest clothes she can find, Alex retrieves something from the back of her trousers. Piper tries to remain calm when she realises it's a gun. Alex drops it onto the bed. 'Have this.' She doesn't provide an explanation. Without another word, Alex leaves the room, pulling out her phone.

It doesn't take long for Piper to zip her bag closed. Shoving the gun into the waist of her trousers, she waits for Alex to return. Then common sense hits: they need water, at least. Maybe some food. But _water_, too. Piper opens the door and rushes down the stairs. Her heart is pounding against her ribcage, it's beating far too fast, she's afraid it may burst. Hands shaking, she opens a cupboard, takes a full water bottle from the shelf; forgets the food. She doesn't care.

She wants to get out.

Piper turns, runs out of the kitchen––

Two men stand in the doorway. They are both large, smartly dressed, and the one in front is handsome, young, a very boyish appearance. He stares at her, grinning crookedly, and Piper recognises him almost at once. She's seen him before. Many years ago. He was one of the mysterious colleagues Alex met up with whenever they went abroad. In most ways, he was charming to her, but there was always a hint of patronisation in the way he spoke to her. As if she were something to just look at. As if she were just decoration.

Snow melts in his hair.

Piper's jaw stiffens.

_They followed Alex here_.

'Hey,' Felix greets, his voice soft. 'I was about to knock, but the door was open.'

'––Get out.' The gun hidden in her trousers feels heavy. 'Get the hell out.'

'Is Alex here? I want to have a little word with her.'

'Get out.'

Felix raises his head, looking up the staircase. He turns to Piper again. 'Is she up there? Come on, you can tell me. I won't hurt her. I just want to talk.'

All too fast, Piper has the gun in her hands and is pointing the weapon at him. She's shaking wildly, she can't aim; she's never shot a man in her life. Never held a gun. Felix slowly raises his hands in surrender, watching her carefully, eyes on the gun, then her face.

'You should have dumped her while you had the chance, darling.'

Suddenly the man beside Felix reveals a pistol, and Piper shoots––

Blood.

The man's eyes are wide, dead, lifeless and he falls back, the hole in his head hollow––

Felix is unnerved.

Piper gapes in horror. She nearly drops the gun––

Blood pours across the floorboard, like a river, and she stares. Stares, and is now unable to hide the terror ricocheting throughout her trembling body.

'Alex––' Her voice catches in her throat. She can only whisper.

Felix sighs softly. 'Ah, Piper –– it's sad how you follow that bitch around like a lost puppy.' Then his eyes flick to the right. A smile graces his smooth lips. 'About time you showed up. I'm glad you did –– finally. I wanted you to see this.'

The gun remains in her grip. Piper looks, sees Alex on the top step––

Never, _never_, in her life has she seen her so scared, and it suddenly occurs to Piper Alex isn't scared for herself. Alex moves, is about to yell her name, hands grasping the bannister––

'Kubra never lies. Fuck up again, then your sweetheart gets it.'

Her blue eyes are so light, they display such a childish innocence, and the whiteness of her blouse is bright, pure and vibrant. Almost blinding. Piper faces Felix again, sees the gun in his hand, pointed at her. There isn't a second. There isn't a moment. There's nothing.

When Alex yells, her voice is barely recognisable–– '_Piper_!'

And the gun fires.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: If you think this story is fucked, clap your hands. If you think this story has gone overboard, clap your hands. If you think this story is depressing, and you really want to show it, if you really think this story's fucked, then clap your hands. I can't do lyrics. I can't do happy stories, and I clearly can't maintain the not-so dark theme that the canon OITNB series possesses.

Oops? Haha. Oh dear. You all hate me.  
Don't worry, lovelies. It hasn't ended. Not yet.

Thank you to the three **[ Guest ]** reviewers, **Maritexxam**, **[ helen ]**, **Next Exit**, **garganta**, **[ more please ]**, **Chand3li3r**, **Sminkle**, **[ lj ]**, **bluepaintbox**, **jacklavigne**, **izzielg** and **Hope6968** for reviewing the prior chapter. **  
**


	11. Last Descent

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White  
**11.**

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**.**

The mobile is in hand, and he types his text to Kubra, smiling. Proud.

_Job done_.

'There. You've paid your debt, Miss Vause. You have been dismissed.' He grins at her, and it's sarcastic, cruel. Afterwards, he sighs, pockets the phone. Looks at the body. Blood seeps through her once white blouse, pooling the floor. 'Oh. What a shame. I think she's stopped breathing.'

Alex hasn't moved. She _can't_ move. And her reaction is delayed. At first, she doesn't feel anything; not shock, anger, or panic. When the bullet shot through Piper's chest, when she fell back hard against the ground, Alex felt nothing. She _feels_ nothing. She stares at Piper's unmoving body, unable to look away; she's almost waiting, waiting for her to move, to inhale, to suddenly come back. But there's nothing; no intakes of breath, no words––

––Then, _then_, Alex realises.

Immediately tears sting her eyes, and her knees threaten to snap; her vision blurs, and slowly, _slowly_, her heart pulls apart. She trembles, inhales shakily, and finally moves. An ugly, horrible rage _burns_ her lungs, cuts through her mind. Felix is at the door, and he steps closer, nudges Piper's body with the tip of his shoe––

'Don't touch her!' It's more a scream than a shout.

The sharpness of Alex's tone makes Felix flinch. When he looks up at her, he isn't smiling anymore. In fact, he almost appears guilty. Alex pushes herself away from the bannister, hurries down the last few steps, and falls to her knees at Piper's limp form. Roughly, Alex lifts her by the collar, puts an arm around her shoulders, holds her, and then shakes her. It's childish, a fruitless attempt to wake her up, but Alex shakes her, says her name, shakes her again, _demands_ she open her eyes.

Blood soon coats her hands, spoils her leather jacket.

Piper doesn't wake up.

'Aw. Pity. You two were cute together.'

Her shoulders slump, her insides tear, and all Alex can do is hold Piper close, tightly. And she still waits, still waits for her to open her eyes, to make some stupid comment, _she waits for Piper to come back to her_. Alex isn't aware she's crying until a few tears fall. She's still. She barely breathes. Felix says more, but she can't hear him.

For a moment, Alex isn't aware of anything. All she can focus on is the woman in her arms, the only person in her life she has _ever_ got close to; the only person who is _different_. The only person who looked at her, and _knew_ her. And Alex threw that all away. She _threw_ it all away. Threw aside what they could have been, because she was –– because she _is_ selfish. Alex clings to Piper desperately, but suddenly it becomes clear –– far too clear –– that she isn't coming back.

Gently, ever so gently, she lowers Piper down.

Inhales.

Exhales.

Her heart is on fire. Alex moves, grabs the gun Piper dropped, and swivels around––

Felix arches forward when the bullet stabs through his shoulder. She shoots again. The arm. The stomach. The chest. Then, finally, right through the skull.

Everything is blurred. She hears his body thud to the ground. Alex's glasses are slipping off her nose, and she viciously yanks them off. The gun falls. Her hands are on Piper's bleeding chest, she searches for a pulse, holding her breath, can't find one. She whispers her name, frantically turns, looking for a phone, and takes the one Felix was using. Her hands are shaking as she dials 911, presses it to her ear; the phone nearly slips from her hand she's trembling so much.

Fuck.

... fuck, there's so much blood...

An answer. Alex jolts. She's suddenly too scared to look at Piper; she can't see her face. She hasn't dared see her face yet. She doesn't want to remember her face like this; she wants to remember her smiling, laughing, excited–– wants to remember how happy she was to be with her. Alex tries to speak, but can't form words; the person on the other end asks about the emergency again, and she swallows, hard, forcing her voice to crack through her throat.

'My––' Alex looks away from Felix's corpse. '––My girlfriend. She's been shot.'

They confirm her address. Alex doesn't bother hanging up. She drops the phone. Inhales. Exhales.

'Alex...?'

Piper. Piper. _Piper's voice_.

It's so quiet. A croak. Barely audible.

She's alive.

Alex looks at her, wide eyed, and stops.

She's alive.

Everything stops. Piper's eyes are open, and they're so blue, so wonderful and so _real_. She looks at Alex, then moans in pain, her hand searching for the bullet wound. She feels blood, the shock is like a spasm through her body. Piper suddenly can't breathe. She coughs, blood spurts from her lips, she wants Alex, wants Alex, needs Alex, but can't find her––

_She's alive_.

Alex doesn't know what to do. Her breaths are short, panicked, and her hands are out, shaking, and she's too fucking scared to even _touch_ Piper. But, finally, Alex pushes herself. The blood has now covered Piper's white blouse completely, and drips from her lips. Alex doesn't know what makes her cry: the fact she thought Piper was dead, or the fact Piper is still alive. It's too much for her to handle. For _anyone_ to handle. Tears are pouring from her eyes. She lifts Piper up, so careful, so scared, and presses her close, rocking her soothingly, running her hands through her red-stained hair.

**Piper is alive**.

'You don't get to leave me either, you fucking idiot.' Alex clings to her; a tear lands on Piper's cheek. 'Don't you fucking leave me.'

When sense starts to flood her mind again, Alex presses a hand against Piper's bullet wound and applies as much pressure onto it as possible. For now, she can temporarily halt the bleeding. But, damn it, she's already lost so much. _Too much_. So focussed on where her hand is, she doesn't notice Piper watching her, doesn't notice how Piper's lower lip is quivering, how tears are slowly pooling in her eyes. She doesn't realise that Piper can't bare to see her this way.

She doesn't realise, until Piper speaks. This time, her voice is weaker; she's losing energy.

'I'm here.'

And, bizarrely, Piper thinks back to the washing machine incident. When Alex was trapped inside, and she was struggling to get her out. And she thinks back to meeting her after eight years, that awe and shock, that thrill and excitement. She thinks back to the first day she saw her, at the bar, and it was all so civilised, so safe. She thinks back to when they first kissed, how soft, gentle and yet so possessive Alex had been, and she thinks back to every single moment.

Every single moment she was with Alex. Every moment with her, she was stepping closer to death, and she just went willingly. Every moment, with Alex, was a storm. A crash of thunder and ice, of fire and rain. Every moment, every _fucking_ moment, was worth it. Piper smiles weakly. The pain in her stomach fades, she finds Alex's hand pressed to her bullet wound, and all she sees is Alex. The only person she has ever seen, because she is all that matters, all that _will_ matter.

Compared to her, everything is background.

_Everything_, the blood, the bullet, the importing, the lies, the deceit, the hate, the revenge–– _everything is mere background_.

All she is aware of is Alex, holding her close.

'I'm here.'

It's unnecessary, but means so much to hear her say this again.

Alex tastes blood when she kisses her.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Snow bites at her flesh.

Piper's grip on her hand is strong. Relentless. The paramedics have her in the back of the van instantly, drive away. Alex stays. She doesn't let Piper's hand go. For now, she's stopped crying, yet her eyes are puffy, and she internally curses herself for leaving her glasses behind. The paramedic rips open Piper's blouse, applies wires to her chest. Alex can't figure out what the paramedic is doing, and she nearly snaps at the paramedic to leave her alone, but she stops herself. She sits, she holds Piper's hand, and when Piper begs, _begs_ her to not let her die, Alex stiffens.

The woman is then bombarded with questions by the paramedic. _When was she shot? Are you all right? Is that your blood on your jacket, or hers? How long has she been like this for? Do you know? Miss Vause, we need as much information as possible in order to help your girlfriend. Is there any sort of information you can provide so we can treat Miss Chapman properly?_

Suddenly the van comes to an abrupt halt. Just as it does, Piper's grip on Alex's hand loosens, and the paramedic is on her feet. The doors open. 'She's coding!' Alex feels Piper let go. The paramedic pushes the stretcher out of the van, but before Alex can follow, another paramedic lightly places a hand to her shoulder, and tells her she needs to stand back. Alex nearly punches him in the jaw, but by the time she's registered what's happening, Piper is already lost within the hospital.

They take her to the waiting area. Alex sits for a few seconds, then stands up. She paces back and forth. Other visitors stare at her, and Alex remembers she's covered in blood. No one approaches her. It's a busy, hectic evening. So much noise. So many people. She isn't aware of anything. Every time a doctor walks past, Alex's heart skips a beat. Yet no doctor comes to her, no doctor gives her an update. Alex starts to panic again. _What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? _She sits down. Stands. Sits. Waits for three minutes. Stands again. No updates. Nothing. Alex gets angry, fucking angry, and approaches a nurse. The nurse just smiles in sympathy, shakes her head, confirms there hasn't been an update on Miss Chapman. She's still up in surgery.

When she turns around, she sees Piper's brother entering, her best friend following behind. They haven't started panicking yet. They look confused, puzzled. Alex feels the world narrow around her. A doctor must have contacted them. Alex hasn't met these two before. Yet she knows who they are; it's too obvious and she can only watch. Watch as they search for somebody matching Alex's details. Polly spots her first. She frowns, then widens her eyes, pulls at Cal's sleeve and points in Alex's direction.

Polly hasn't reacted. She can't believe her friend has been shot. She's still in denial. Alex can't look at Piper's brother. She won't even try.

'Are you Alex Vause?'

Alex's vision is fuzzy due to the lack of glasses. She squints, frowns, then sighs. 'Yeah. I'm Alex. You must be Polly.'

Then, to her surprise, Polly throws her arms around Alex's and hugs her. Alex is stiff, like a statue. She avoids Cal's gaze. Polly pulls away, and she knows. She suddenly knows. What the doctor said is true; Piper has been shot. Polly covers her mouth with her hand, gasps. 'Oh my God, what the fuck happened out there?'

The last thing Alex wants to do is explain the details. She brushes past, doesn't want to be followed. She wants to be left alone. She wants to drown herself in this horrid guilt. She wants to hate herself even more for what she's done. To her dismay, Polly decides to approach her again, but, this time, there's a firmness in her tone.

'I've only heard about you through Piper, and I know what you both were to each other. But she's my best friend, she means the world to me –– please, just tell me what happened––?'

'She got shot!' Alex exclaims, catching Polly by surprise. A shrug. Helpless. Alex doesn't try to hide her emotions now. 'That's all there is to it, all right? Piper got shot.' She roughly wipes away a few stray tears. 'There was so much blood,' Alex winces, jars her teeth, 'It was like a fucking ocean.' Silence. And it's a horrible, still, shattering silence. Polly stares at her, but her expression has softened. Cal doesn't say a single word. He sits down, waits, and Alex decides that's the wisest choice to make. Wait. There's nothing else to do.

'I'm sorry.'

Alex scowls. 'Why the fuck are you sorry?'

'Because her being around you keeps ruining her life.' Polly covers her mouth with her hand, tries her best to not cry. 'Why do you keep doing this to her?'

She opens her mouth to retort, to swear and insult her, but then Alex stops. She looks away. She's so numb, so fragile; she's been hurt too much. She doesn't have anything left in her to keep fighting. Polly is right, she's fucking right. She has every reason to apologise, to taunt Alex. Polly has every reason to hate this woman, to _loathe_ her.

A hand rests on Alex's shoulder. Polly sniffs. 'Fuck. Surely there's a reason she keeps coming back to you, though. Right? Please tell me she has a damn good reason to come back to you.'

No answer. Alex doesn't know.

She doesn't know anymore.

Polly's hand falls, she sits beside Cal whose expression is neutral, only an act. The minutes tick past, the hours, and not once does Alex cease standing. She paces, waits, continues to wait, lets Polly watch her with a mixture of hatred, fear and concern.

For the first time in her life, Alex resorts to silent prayer. She _begs_.

**.**

**.**

**.**

White.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Whispers.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Footsteps.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

White.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

And then, slowly, her vision returns. The first thing she sees is the ceiling: slightly cracked, a creamy colour.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Smell. She can smell rubber gloves, plastic, cleanliness.  
A hospital.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Hears. She hears her heartbeat. Regular. Normal.  
Confirming she's alive. She has survived.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

The gun. A bullet. Felix. His smile, his obedience and chilling persona. His promise of death.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Alex.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

That's when she turns her head to the right. And her heart flutters.  
Waking up to Alex again brings a smile to Piper's lips, even if the circumstances are unfortunate. Alex is seated in a chair, arms resting on the bed, a pillow of sorts for her head. It's rather sweet. Piper dares not wake her. But she's so excited, so relieved. Alex stayed. She hadn't left.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

Affectionately, Piper strokes her hair, lets her fingers trail over her cheek, brush past the corner of her lips.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

When Alex stirs, Piper retreats. She watches Alex inhale, open her eyes, squints at her––

Suddenly Alex shoots to her feet. Piper has never seen her move so fast. Within seconds, her hands are at either sides of her face, and she says nothing, but her eyes say it all. There's shock, relief, terror and joy. This terrible, wonderful joy which nearly reduces Piper to tears. Alex glances at the heart monitor, then back at her. She's speechless. She wants to say something, but she doesn't know _what_ to say.

'You waited for me,' Piper whispers.

Alex scoffs, tries to maintain a cool composure, but she's only kidding herself. 'I knew you'd delay my escape somehow.'

'Sorry.' Piper smiles ear-to-ear.

'You will be, kid.'

'Did you miss me?'

At first, Alex tries to smile crookedly, but her emotions get the better of her. Piper doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at Alex's attempts to remain nonchalant; it's such an Alex thing to do. Something she appreciates. Alex rarely cries, but whenever she does, it's always abrupt. Sudden. As if she's been bottling hundreds of emotions for years and years, until she can't contain it much longer. Alex _hates_ crying. Hates it, and this is shown in her attempts to stop herself. But it's almost a fit, an angry, vicious outburst that she can't control.

Piper tries to reach over and grab her. Yet the pain from her wound soars through her body and she snaps back against the bed. She instantly regrets asking such a stupid question; this isn't the time to banter.

When Alex starts to cry, _properly_, Piper can only watch. It tears her apart; the pain is incomparable to the bullet. Alex turns away, running her sleeves over her cheeks again and again to wipe away the tears. Several sobs break from her, angry sighs, impatience. She's getting frustrated and impatient; she can't talk. She's too scared to talk because if she says a word she'll just burst into more tears.

But, God, Alex is angry.

So fucking _mad_.

It takes a couple of minutes for Alex to regain her composure. To be able to form words. She's finally able to face Piper again, and Piper smiles at her, despite everything, because seeing Alex like this, so alive and real, is amazing. Having the opportunity to witness Alex express so many emotions in one go is such an honour, so beautiful and surreal.

'Fuck you, Piper!'

'Oh.'

'Fuck you! What the _fuck_?!'

'Alex––'

'I thought you were dead –– You _were_ dead! Fucking _fuck_. I thought you––' Her voice cracks; a cry threatens to break through again. Alex trembles aggressively, and glares at her. There's hatred in her eyes, such a huge distaste, almost loathing. Her voice is soft, gentle, filled with shock. '––I thought you left me again.'

Piper realises it isn't hatred, distaste and almost loathing.

'Did I miss you? Fuck no!'

It's just Alex loving her.  
It couldn't be simpler.

'What happened to your glasses?'

A sneer. 'Fucking left them behind.' Piper smiles a little. 'Just as well. Your face is probably wrecked.'

'Technically, I was shot in the chest so my face has been unharmed.'

'Fuck you.'

'What happened?' Piper softens her expression; she tries to reach over again, but the pain in her stomach stops her. She wants to touch Alex, hold her hand, keep her steady, but she's too far away. 'With Felix, and the other man?'

For the moment, Alex's anger seems to fade. 'Shot him.'

Piper widens her eyes. 'Really?'

'Don't look at me like that. You fired the fucking gun first.'

'Right.' Piper grins. 'Great shot though.'

Alex rolls her eyes. 'I'm so glad you can find this _funny_.'

With that, Piper backs down. Alex has every right to be angry at her. She shrinks back in the bed, and prepares for more scoldings, more "fuck you"s, but Alex is quiet. They share a glance, then she turns away again. Alex is tense, trying to figure out what's going in her head. Piper can tell she hates feeling this way, feeling so insecure and scared.

_I thought you left me again_.

'I'm sorry,' Piper whispers. 'Al, I'm sorry.'

There's no response. No movement from her. Piper sighs softly, lowers her gaze.

'Me too, kid.'

Piper looks up at her. Swallows.

'I love you. I love you so much.'

Alex evidently stiffens, which makes Piper chortle.

'Fuck you.'

'You have to say it back,' Piper says, completely unfazed. And she's smiling again, 'Alex?'

The other woman turns to look at her. Already, it's clear she's calmed down. She isn't angry anymore, but she's trying her best to maintain a glare; she's trying her best to scare her. Get her revenge in such an immature, childish manner. But Piper isn't going to play this time. Even if Alex is pretending to hate her, Piper knows better. She knows Alex. She _knows_ Alex._  
_

'I hate you.'

'No, you don't.'

'No. No, I don't.'

'Asshole.'

A smile. Sarcastic at first, then genuine. This time, when the silence settles between them, it's nice. Comforting.

'The police are waiting for me outside.'

Piper's brows narrow.

'It would appear I'm under arrest. For murder.' Alex cocks back her chin. 'Fancy that, eh?'

'Yeah.' Piper blinks. 'Fancy that.' And yet, neither of them dread the idea. Neither of them feel anything. 'Are you going to get a hearing?'

'Maybe. I don't know. I don't care right now.' She shakes her head briefly. 'I really don't fucking care.'

'Will he come back? Kubra?'

'No.' Alex shrugs. 'Felix sent a message, saying the job was done. I was dismissed. The police have tried to track him down with the number Felix used to contact him, but there's been no luck. Kubra's not an idiot. He probably ditched the phone, changed his number, I don't know.' And she doesn't care. She just can't care anymore. 'Your brother's engaged, by the way. Fucking announced the entire waiting room when he got the damn text through.'

Piper laughs. 'At least that's something to be happy about.'

Another long pause.

'I still want to run away with you.'

Alex finally cracks a smile, but looks down at the floor as she does; almost timidly. 'Maybe next time, yeah?'

'I'd run anywhere with you.'

'You're an idiot, then.'

'I am an idiot.' Piper nods in agreement. 'But an idiot you love, so it's not all bad.'

'Piper?'

'Mm?'

'Don't die on me again.'

'I'll try.'

'Try harder.'

Alex makes a turn in order to leave, but Piper quickly sits upright, despite the pain, 'Wait!'

_Beep, beep, beep..._

'What?'

_Beep, beep, beep..._

'Kiss me before you go.'

_Beep, beep, beep..._

The quiet falls between them again. Alex steps forwards, leans in close, curls a strand of hair behind Piper's ear.

_Beep, beep, beep..._

It's a short kiss. It doesn't last long. Piper grabs Alex's jacket and initiates another kiss; this time, deeper, confessing so much, pouring out apology after apology, and a promise. A promise of a thousand tomorrows.

_Beepbeepbeep..._

Alex smiles into the kiss, and reluctantly pulls away.

_Beepbeep, beep, beep..._

'You need to calm down, Pipes.'

The blonde blushes slightly, mentally cursing the heart monitor for disturbing them. She grabs Alex's hands, squeezes. Pulls her close, and kisses the woman again. She ignores her heart monitor, ignores how fast her pulse quickens, ignores the unnecessary background details. She focusses on Alex, only on Alex, on the sensation of her lips against hers, of the warmth bouncing off her, and how her hands are so gentle and wonderful against her face, stroking her cheek tenderly.

'Don't run. Wait for me again.'

No answer. Just a crooked smile, but it's enough. Piper allows Alex's hand to slip from her own, until finally letting her go. Already Alex can feel a cold pull, but she doesn't look back. She knows better than to look back. Leaving the ward, she turns to the two policemen waiting for her. They don't smile, they don't frown, they show nothing. One of them comes behind her, and she knows the drill. She's done this before. Alex places both hands behind her back, and allows the policeman to handcuff her wrists.

'You are under arrest for the murder of Felix Perry. You have the right to remain silent. Should you, however refuse this right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you by the court. Do you understand what I have just said to you?'

She thinks about Piper.  
Her promise to wait once more.

Alex smiles softly to herself. She has nowhere else to run.

'Yes, sir.'

**.**

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**author's note**: Well, fuck me. I am speechless by the amount of feedback I got for the previous chapter. Seriously, where did you all come from? I was a little intimidated, but, gosh, your reviews were so much fun to read. I am so evil. Haha, you're all amazing, and I felt bad when I started to get more and more reviews. Maybe I should apologise? I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to apologise, but have no fear! Piper is alive and kicking. This chapter was quite difficult to write, mostly because I was thinking how on _earth_ would Alex react to her dying? However, you can tell in the canon series Alex does suffer some form of abandonment issues, and she isn't a cold-hearted bitch. She may be selfish at times, but she's sensitive, as was seen when her father turned out to not be the father she wanted after all, and when Piper left her. This doesn't mean she's not a strong woman, though. Just means she's human. So, yeah, I really do think she'd respond this way. You don't have to agree.

I was struggling on how to end this story. I even went as far as sitting down with my brother, and discussing my options, but this is what I've settled for. I admit, I'm worried some of you readers won't be satisfied with this turn out, but I hope that's just me being paranoid and dumb. There will be one more chapter after this, but then that's it, and I'm sad to see this story go. It's taken over my life for the past month.

Important: there were two possible endings from the last chapter. Either Felix shot Piper so they couldn't escape (like what happened in this story), or Piper shot Felix first and they do manage to escape. If you would like to read this alternative ending, then click on the story _Before We Fall To Pieces_ which you can find on my profile.

Again, thank you _so much_ for reviewing! I can't stress how amazing your feedback has been.


	12. Staying Awake To Chase A Dream

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White  
**12.**

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The library has always been her favourite place to hide, and it isn't necessarily because she spends so much time reading. Most inmates avoid the library, so it's usually quiet and isolated. When Alex returned to Lichfield prison, a two year sentence hanging above her head, they assigned her to the library, giving her chores such as rearranging and stamping books in and out, basically keeping everything in order. Easy stuff, and far more pleasant than doing laundry. Not to mention, the company isn't too bad either. Poussey Washington tends to keep to herself, and whenever they do talk, it's brief, it doesn't last.

Word has already spread around as to why Alex is back, and the facts soon distort into wild rumours. Apparently, Alex not only killed a man, but also sawed off his limbs. An even better one is where she used his dead body to snort heroine off of. The imaginations of her inmates have no limits. Yet no matter what scenario is developed, they know she murdered. They know she murdered a man. They skip over the detail that it was out of self defence. Most inmates just focus on the murder, how many times she shot him, and, disturbingly, if she enjoyed it.

Yet no one asks about Piper. At least, not to her face, which is just as well. With each day, Alex grows more concerned, more distracted, more antisocial. She hasn't seen Piper in nearly a fortnight. In order to avoid jumping to conclusions (Has Piper been transferred? Is she still alive?), Alex reads. She reads whatever book she can find, and loses herself in the words. Over the past couple of weeks, she's read so many novels her head is close to exploding, but stories –– to Alex –– are the equivalent of drugs. Addictive, and they ease the pain. Help erase the horrible memories that she has no desire to cling onto.

'Hey there, Harry Potter.'

Alex stops reading and glances up.

'Nice cuts on your face. I never asked how you got those.' Nicky sits down beside her, leans against the bookcase. 'Guess you and Chapman had a riot outside of this shit hole. You know what fucks me up? How Chapman left here, and then two days later you come back with a murder charge. Don't get me wrong: it's hot, but, seriously, what the fuck, Vause?'

'I'd tell you, but I don't think your fragile head can take it.'

'You don't know what my head can take, Tom Ripley.'

Ignoring the reference to Highsmith's _The Talented Mister Ripley_, Alex slips off her glasses and folds the frames. 'If you and that _bird's_ _nest_ ever get out of here, then I'd highly recommend _not_ going into the drug business.'

Nicky raises her brows, smiling slowly. 'You were still selling that shit?'

'Yeah,' Alex averts her gaze to the book in her hands. 'Not anymore, though. I quit.'

'Lemme guess, did a certain blonde inspire you? Melt that cold, fucked up heart of yours? Jesus, Vause, you make me wanna throw up.' Nicky pushes her aside. 'If Chapman decides to bring her ass back in here finally, I don't want to see you two getting all mushy.'

However, she continues to smile, and if Alex isn't mistaken, Nicky seems content with the situation. Except–- '_If_ she comes back.'

Nicky hesitates before she speaks again, 'The least I can say is if you know someone is waiting for you, then that's a pretty damn good reason to go back to them. Chapman _did_ get shot, plus she has that jackass of a lawyer her fucking fiancé keeps sending over. She'll be here eventually.'

'I know.'

'Oi, Vause –– there are plenty other objects with hips and tits to observe while you wait.' Nicky grimaces, scrunches her nose. 'Oh, fuck, wait. You're in love or whatever. Apparently you don't notice anyone else after that.'

'It takes one to know one.' A smirk.

Nicky offers a blunt look. The corner of her mouth twitches. 'Have fun with your reading, nerd.'

'And apparently your nicknames have softened since I've been away. You've lost your touch, Nichols.'

'Pft. Not where it matters.'

They smile at each other then. A sort of respect for one another, before Nicky returns to her duties as an electrician. Or a sorry attempt of one. Except for those she works with, Alex has the library to herself again.

Even though her lawyer defended her actions, claiming it was out of self defence, it wasn't enough to let her off the hook. Plus, the evidence was clear that she had returned to the drug business. Even if she called it quits, such evidence was still used against her. No one was surprised when she landed back in prison. However, Alex and Piper had earned themselves quite the reputation within the prison. The inmates either admire, hate or fear them. Sometimes it's a mix of all three. Over time, this image will start to fade; lose its impact.

For now, though, Alex enjoys it, and hopes Piper will return in time to enjoy it with her.

Yet Alex has never waited for anyone. Never. This promise she made is almost damaging, it slowly ruins her, but she foolishly clings to the idea that's it worth it. That waiting for Piper will be worth it, even if her return is taking so long. Sometimes, Alex has considered writing a letter, but she always refrains. With waiting comes patience, and with patience comes trust. She needs to trust her. She _has_ to.

The blood never escapes her mind, she never forgets the bullet, the _bang_, how everything just froze when Piper fell back, a disgusting red liquid pouring from the wound. _"I'm here."_ And she can't forget the terror, the nightmare of knowing she was slowly slipping away; that no matter how tightly she held her, Piper was slipping, and there was nothing Alex could do. She was helpless, useless and weak.

She can't forget.

Every night, Alex lies awake. She's too scared to fall asleep. She doesn't want to. Her mind won't shut down; there's always a thought, always a worry, there's always Piper.

The day passes. It simply passes. Uneventful. Another day of waiting.

She doesn't sleep. She repeatedly taps the side of her fist against the wall of her cube, back against the mattress, and waits. The clock ticks, the minutes pass, the hours are wasted.

And she never stops waiting.

**.**

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**.**

It's a cold morning. Freezing. The heating broke, and inmates scowl and mutter obscenities to themselves, wrapping themselves tightly in their coats, huddling together like penguins. Piper ironically comments what a _warm_ welcome this is, but the CO doesn't find her joke very funny. The orange of her scrubs is darker than she remembers, and she's escorted to her block. Lorna is her guide again, and quickly steals a hug before directing the other new inmates to their rooms. Despite the neglect of this prison, despite how cruel and harsh it can be, Piper has never felt happier to come back.

She finds Alex in the chapel, leaning against the alter, reading. The library is packed with inmates because, apparently, it's the warmest place in the prison. Wisely, Alex has avoided it; she chooses the chapel, because despite the warm glow it possesses, the room is chilly. No one wants to be here. The privacy is nice, and the quiet almost a lullaby. Piper hovers in the doorway, and appreciates these last few seconds. She sees Alex unmasked, all to herself, doing what she does best, and waiting for her.

'Hi.'

Alex doesn't look up, but she smiles; it's a sad smile. 'Hi.'

'I'm sorry I took so long to get here.' Piper attempts to make the situation lighthearted; she's trying to joke again, but even she doesn't smile at her remark. 'The hospital was reluctant to let me go.'

'Hm.' Alex removes her glasses, and finally meets her gaze. 'I missed you, kid.'

'I missed you, too,' Piper replies softly.

Raising her hand, Alex gestures Piper to come closer. With each step, Piper slowly feels her nerves loosen, her muscles relax, and then her mind stops spinning. Suddenly, everything stills, nothing else exists except her and Alex. And when she reaches her, hesitantly sits down and lets Alex pull her close to lean against her side, Piper finally feels home. She feels okay.

In the silence, they read together, and Piper recognises the novel.

'Choose me, Alex.'

'What?'

'I want you to choose me.' Piper raises herself. Looks Alex in the eye. 'I'm stuck here for another two years because I shot someone. But, when I get out, I want to leave this place with you. I want you to choose me. I want us to make a life together, and I don't want drugs involved or anything like that. Just us two. And I might want a cat. Also, a toaster that works, and a washing machine that doesn't lock itself automatically. But, my point is that I want you to choose me when you leave.'

A pause. Piper hasn't realised she's been holding her breath, until she exhales sharply. Then, it occurs to her what she's just said; what nonsense she's blurted out, but all of this, everything, she has been bottling in for this day. Lying on that hospital bed was hell. Thinking again and again what she should say to Alex has been hell. Piper has gone over this dumb little speech constantly in her head.

Saying it now, it still barely makes sense, she's still babbling –– but she knows, at least, the only thing she wants is Alex. For Alex to not walk away, to not leave, but to stay. Just one more time.

'Put me out of my misery,' Piper shrugs, her eyes glowing in the dim light. 'Because I'm in. I'm all in. And if you're not, if you have the slightest doubt, please tell me. You exhaust me, Alex. Loving you and hating you is so _fucking_ exhausting. So, just –– tell me.'

The book snaps shut. Alex's expression can't be read, she's illegible to Piper, impossible to fathom.  
Alex kisses her, and her lips are slightly chapped, a little cold, but soft, gentle.

No words need to be said.

Piper has her answer.

**.**

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**.**

_Winter._

_Snow falls. Life resumes._

_And when she sees her, free, waiting, dressed in white, a smile graces her lips. A smile which reflects the sun's shine, and timidness in the chilly season. Hesitant, steady footsteps. Then she knows, and then she is confident about her choice, her decision. About the woman beside her, who takes her hand, guides her through the flurry of snowflakes._

_The touch of her fingertips against her cheek is like a fire; scolds her flesh.  
She kisses her. But it's a kiss which is more than just the sake of being a kiss.  
A promise. A promise to follow her to hell and back. A promise to follow her to the grave._

_'––Come with me, Piper.'_

_And this time, she does. And this time, nothing is stopping her._

* * *

end.

* * *

**author's note**: It's been a heck of a ride. Any questions concerning this story, then approach me through a private message. In case someone doesn't catch on, the ending is set two years after, when they're out of prison. Thank you to _everyone_ who has offered support throughout, especially to those who have stuck with me from the start. I, obviously, own nothing, except the plot. Here's to hoping season three of OITNB is packed full of Vauseman, otherwise I'm out of here.

In the meantime, I have _Behind Closed Doors_ still in progress. Expect Vauseman angst shit happening over there, too, and a couple of freak out moments like you lot had with this story. ;)

I had Nicky call Alex "Tom Ripley" because of the murder and the glasses. And the "charm".  
Whatever.

Just realised all the way through this I've been spelling Litchfield without the "t". Smooth.

Until next time!


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